What's new?

First and foremost, the best new thing in my life is my 7 week old (as of yesterday) niece Zora.  Zora is a name of Czech origin - my grandmother spoke fluent Czech, as that's where her mother was from, so it's in our blood.  It means dawn or sunrise.  I love it.  I love her.  I visited with the bf a couple of weeks ago and got to meet her for the first time.

This trip gave me a permanent change in perspective.  I instantly fell in love with Zora and am pained to be so far away.  I know being related gives a person some bias, but she's such a lovely li'l lady.  I can't express how incredible it was to observe this little human, watch her face change from second to second, and learn her little idiosyncrasies.  She loves to bounce, she needs to bounce or you get squirmy face.  She furrows her brows, but when she's tired, if you stroke above the bridge of her nose, between her eyebrows, instantly her eyes close and face relaxes.  She sometimes falls asleep with her eyes open; she smiles in her sleep; she fights sleep because she wants to look around, she seems fascinated.

At Red Rocks to see Ray LaMontagne - they only got to stay for three of his songs... such is life with a li'l one.

Just past 6 weeks - she's been starting to smile and giggle.  The videos are absolutely adorable.

I finally made some more after hours a few days ago.  I was down to the last bar which sold the same day, oddly enough.  It's looking good.  Should be ready in about a month.

I returned to yoga at a new studio in Oakhurst.  I bought a groupon for a month of unlimited yoga.  My goal is to make 6 classes per week.  So far I've made 3 of the last 4 days.  I really like it because there are no mirrors.  I hate mirrors in any kind of exercise class.  All I do is pick myself apart and lose focus.  I know the mindset would be the better fix, but for now, mirror-less studios are going to have to do.  Most of the classes are Vinyasa and my shoulders are feeling all of those downward dog poses.  I'll update you on my progress.

I switched locations at my job.  I was dealing with a dynamic regarding one specific manager that was detrimental to my well-being, so I put in my notice.  I was surprised to be offered a position at the other location and I have to say, the place has a really nice feel.  I was greeted with a warm hug and a sincere welcome and really like the people I'm with behind the bar.  My income will be substantially less, but some things just aren't worth the mental anguish.

That's about all I'll share for now.  Life's been jam packed with surprises, new things, small crises, several things up in the air, uncertainty, etc...  I suppose that's nothing unique to me, so I'll spare you the rest and leave you with one more photo that is full of love and laughter - the two most important things in life:

No vacancy

About a month ago, on my way to work, I noticed a tent set up underneath a tree near the highway.  Every time I've driven by since then, I steal a glance to take in whatever I can.  Sometimes I see one person, sometimes two, talking or just sitting.  Sometimes I see their clothes scattered about or the tent still set up.  Then, about a week ago, there was only grass beneath that tree.  There was no tent; no socks; no tan, leathery, skinny, grey bearded man attempting to stay cool beneath its branches...  until today.  I drove by, he was there, and for the first time, I got a clear view of his face.  I saw a deep sadness, but I don't know if I projected what I saw onto his blank face because of the context in which I saw him.  Maybe he wasn't sad, maybe he was just bored, maybe he was thinking or feeling the breeze on his face, or maybe life, love, or drugs had left him emotionally eviscerated.

I want to pull over and find out.  I want to listen to his experience or give him a twenty dollar bill or both.  I fear that instead of the romanticized version of who he is and the bad run of luck that brought him there, I'm afraid it's more likely that I'd find a drug addict or mentally ill man.  In my mind, he's just a good person dealt a bad hand, but it's probably more realistic to think that he chose meth over shelter.  I do try to look upon him with compassion but also with a mind for my personal safety, so I don't stop, not that he'd be willing to share his story with me anyway.  I tend to think in terms of worst case scenerio for myself and that if I ever run out of money, make one bad choice, that could be me; that I'm just as vulnerable to being knocked down without a hand to help me back up.  That's when I have to be conscious to remember that I am very lucky to have many people who care about me, that would give me a place to sleep, a warm meal or whatever support they could to help me get back up.

This past Monday, I was surprised by the man I've been dating, with tickets to see Ray LaMontagne and David Gray.  Both of us reeeeeeally wanted to see Ray LaMontagne, whom I've never seen live.  On our way there, we stopped at Whole Foods to pick up something to eat when I had a prolonged episode of arrhythmia, an unfortunate side effect of overactive thyroid, and had to sit down and try to relax.  It scared me so much that each time I felt my heart flutter in my chest, I thought "I don't want to die today".  Even though that was far from a near death experience, it really drove home the understanding that life is short, precious, and delicate.  I don't want to waste it living in the past or the future.  I'm very happy right now as I lay on my friend's floor writing this post and I'm so thankful for the people in my life that love and support me.  This was a reminder to practice being present and grateful because in an instant, unexpectedly, everything can change.  Who are you grateful for in your life?  Have you told them so today?

I don't mind, I don't mind

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Think for a moment about a time when something in your life ended and it was not your choice; be it a relationship, your twenties, or a job.  Your emotional reaction was probably anywhere from mild disappointment to complete devastation, possibly compounded by an unwillingness or inability to let go.  Think about how you felt months or even years later once you'd moved on.  Were you thankful that the door closed so that a new one, that would not have otherwise opened, could?  I had a moment while listening to this song recently.  I know it's cliche, but it's so true that nothing lasts forever; when one door closes, another one opens; there are no guarantees in life...  but in an instant, I got it.  I mean I really just got it, finally. 

You came to take us,

All things go, All things go

The last several weeks have been helpful in so far as "time heals all wounds".  More than that though,  I've been spending time with someone.  He has been a very positive and healing influence on me and he's someone who's seen real devastation and has made it to the other side of the mountain despite the dark valley from which he came.  He's someone I would not have been spending this kind of time with if I were still involved with my recent disappointment.  I'm enjoying every moment without thoughts of what will come of this.  I wish I could explain how different things are from how they were.  Sincere interaction and genuine connection are so nourishing, especially compared to the empty high I was on at the beginning of this year.

To recreate us,

All things grow, All things grow

When I'm really honest with myself, I admit that I knew that it wasn't right even though my ego reeeeeeally wanted it to be and took the lead.  The truth is, I never felt good enough around him.  I was constantly insecure physically, I had no career direction, and on top of everything, I'm pretty sure we wore the same shoe size.  So, when he was showering me with compliments and making suggestions about all the things we'd do and the future of our relationship, it was a big, sugary, dopamine-laden ego trip.  I didn't get my heart broken, I got my hopes and plans broken.  It was right that it didn't work out...  even if there is that little part of me that still wishes for a different story.

We had our mindset,

All things know, All things know

Now, since that moment, I often remember to enjoy it all.  I enjoy every moment of interaction with my new more than friend; every person that bumps into my cart at the farmer's market; the contrast of every cloud against a sky dark from an approaching storm; and as the anniversary of Neko's death is just two days away, every moment cuddling with his mom/purr-monster Lilly.

You had to find it,

All things go, All things go

This will not last forever either, but I will love each moment I have, as I have it.  I know that I must choose to let go emotionally when it is time because it is not up to me to hold onto anything or anyone whose time it is to go.  

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."  

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

 

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

 

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."

 

- quotes by Helen Keller

 

See Dick Run

Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago.  In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him.  If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy.  I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.

In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.

If I may make an analogy..

Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much.  If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished.  The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.

For a short time I was replete with infatuation.  You've been there...  food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person.  When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working.  When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous.  I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became.  That's what happened just now.  I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either.  I felt free.  Then this email came through.  It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit..  I'm the one who got hurt,)  and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.

I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings.  It's not even about him even if it feels like it is.  I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on.  I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him.  Whatev...  I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch!  (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter.  what? I didn't tell you about that?  I will later, just remind me)  Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened.  I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time.  I already feel better at the end of this post.  Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived.  I don't think I could live without it.

I didn't see it coming, but oh I'm watching it go

I'm climbing up the steep canyon road in Topanga to Dick's* house with a couple of friends when we look up and see a twister wavering atop the mountain, looking for a good place to land.  Not sure what to do or where to go on the open mountain side, we just observe in awe.  The tornado finally touches down right in the middle of the recreation center at the Top of Topanga community, which looks to me like a smaller version of the Getty Museum.  Once it tears through the building and into the mountain, we see the onslaught of rocks and debris flying through the sky directly toward us.  With no shelter to be had, we all duck and cover and let fate decide whether we live or die.  I peek a couple of times and see some large, jagged boulders flying through the air and brace myself for the crushing blow.  I get pelted a few times in the back by smaller rocks but not hard enough to break any bones.

Once the boulder shower stops, we all look around in amazement that none of us are seriously injured.  I take out my phone and call Dick*, who does not know that I am in Topanga, but who lives just a mile or two away from where I am standing.  When he answers the phone, he sounds seriously irritated and just starts talking before I can say a word.

"Listen, Kat, this is exasperating.  I said I was willing to be your friend, but you're wearing me out.  I can't have contact with you every day.  I've always been into you, I've been into you since I first met you, but now you've ruined it and I just can't..."

As he speaks, I feel the knife twisting.  I don't even hear the rest of what he is saying as reality sinks in.  I have just survived something incredible and now I feel like I'm dying.  Then I wake up.

In the past few posts, I've censored myself a bit for the sake of appearing more balanced than I was feeling and just out of a general feeling of confusion.  I won't do that now.  This dream is a culmination of my experiences for the last couple of months.  Something about my interaction with Dick* brought out some really dark parts of me that are of no use but for destruction. 

It happened about three years ago when I ran into Dick* at a summer festival in town.  We had been acquaintances and when we bumped into each other, he told me about his recent break up and that's about all I remember.  After that he started showing up in my life and somehow we just started hanging out.  I saw the red flags back then when all he did was talk about his ex and the breakup.  I was at his house several times watching movies, he came over to my place and sat all the way across the room, we watched the sunset and the fireworks from above at stone mountain and never once did he make a move on me, which I found frustrating, but understood. 

I was a good listener and maybe a little too nice and compassionate for my own good.  I liked being around him, so I ignored the red flags and began carrying a dim torch for him.  Then one day I got the phone call.  Dick* told me he was getting back together with his ex and that we couldn't spend time together anymore.  While I understood and appreciated his forthrightness, I was still let down and kinda pissed.  It was around that time that Easy Tiger had come out.  Ryan Adams always has lyrics relative to my experience; "..so if I'm being honest with you and you think that I'm being cruel, at least you didn't get a rip off..."  and that was true.  At least he was straightforward with me, which allowed me to get over it pretty quickly and easily.

Then several months ago I got a random facebook message from Dick* out of the blue, just saying hi and sort of apologizing for flaking on me way back when and asking to be friends again.  He had since moved to Los Angeles.  I had completely forgotten being upset over him in the first place and was happy to hear from him.  Then a couple of months ago, he happened to be visiting Atlanta and we spent a little time together that turned out to be quite intense.  There was a lot of "I wonder what could've been if I'd made a different choice" and even an "I would fall in love with you".  You tell me what girl doesn't want to hear someone say that?  Then he flew back to LA.

For a solid month, we skyped every night for hours, the days were filled with hundreds of texts, most of them telling me how lovely I am, how I have his favorite face, how he thinks I'm the prettiest girl ever, how that night was the night he knew he could fall in love with me..  Again, I ask you, what girl doesn't want to hear that, particularly on the heels of a break up?  Just before he flew me out to visit him, he suggested I come live with him in LA.  I didn't really consider it until he brought it up again after my return.  I had been ready to make a grand gesture of change for some time and this just seemed like the perfect thing.  I swallowed the fairy tale hook, line and sinker.

The first visit was great in a lot of ways, but he seemed a little foggy and distant.  When I asked him about it, he assured me that he was happy to have me out there and was just a little shy.  It's easy to be forward with technology, but in person, it takes a little longer to feel comfortable.  I bought it.  Once I returned to Atlanta, he brought up me moving there again and somehow we started talking seriously about it.  At that point, it seemed so certain that I told my landlord, my family and several of my friends.  He had even announced 'our little plan' to his parents and close friends as well and I was excited for a big change in scenery to help pull me out of the rut I've been in.

When the difficulty with logistics started to surface, things got hard and I got in a panic about how I was going to support myself in a place with an even higher cost of living than I'm used to.  I started to feel pressure to figure my life out before I could move, but felt I needed to move before I could figure out my life.  At that point, he pulled back like the genitals of a polar bear club member taking the plunge in January.  That's when all of my crazy got triggered.  I felt him pulling back but tried to hang on to the fragments of affection that he had displayed in the beginning.  I didn't want to believe what I instinctively knew to be true and that's what got me into trouble. 

What pisses me off about the whole thing is that I could tell and I just wanted him to be straightforward with me, but he kept making excuses and I accepted them.  I don't know what happened to the balls he had when he called to tell me about getting back with his ex, but apparently he decided he could just fade away and I wouldn't question it.  Now he 'wants to be friends' and I am struggling with whether I can do that or not.  I hate to delete him from my life, but I don't want it to keep me from being open to someone who is a better match for me.  It pains my ego to know that he can go on about his life without a second thought of me and here I am filled with thoughts of him, even in my dreams. 

This time I definitely feel like I got a rip off.  Part of me feels like I sabotaged it because I knew it was too good to be true.  Part of me thinks he found someone else to be excited about and I became beige slacks to her leopard print tights.  Part of me thinks he idealized me and once I became real, he lost interest.  Part of me thinks he felt too much pressure to be all of these things to me and shut down.  Part of me has no fucking clue what went wrong but still aches to know why so I can learn from it and not let it happen again.  Whether intentionally or not, he strung me along and I allowed myself to be.  This time, it has been a lot harder to get over.  Your guess is as good as mine at this point and with this post I intend to let it go. 

The truth is, I was okay with the possibility that I would move out to California and eventually the relationship might not have worked out.  I knew this was a catalyst for change and I was not banking on it lasting forever.  It's clear to me now though that I did think it would last at least a little while and develop into something more substantial.  All I got out of this was a short, extremely intense high and  the ensuing huge let down, but nothing nourishing inbetween.  I didn't get the intimacy that one usually gets in a relationship before having their heart and pride stomped on.  It seems like it would be easier to reconcile if there had been an actual relationship, but to be so hurt and disappointed by someone who never truly knew you sucks, plain and simple.  "I climbed so high the sky dropped down to teach me how to lay low and keep my ear to the ground."

* The name has been changed to protect the not so innocent and also for humor.

If I knew heartbreak was coming, I would've set out running.

I'd like to start by expressing my absolute gratitude to those of you who reached out to me either through commenting on my last post; emailing, texting or calling me; asking friends about me and how I'm doing or sending positive thoughts or prayers my way.  I can't tell you how connected and cared for that made me feel.  I have spent the last few weeks in a pretty chaotic place in my head and I feel like I've finally found a small nugget of clarity and the peace that comes with it.

First: the job.  The unknown is always intimidating, but once I actually got in there, it wasn't so scary.  Not only is the environment extremely laid back and the staff friendly, but also, three days in I was approached about training for management shifts to fill in when the current managers are occupied with other events.  I came from a place where competence and integrity were frequently overlooked and undervalued, "promotion" to management was the first step out the door with the highest turnover rate than any other position.  I was pleasantly surprised when my experience, competence and integrity were so quickly recognized and it was the sign I needed in order to remember that sometimes opportunities pop up when and where you least expect them.  The fact that I have a sustainable income now has eased some of the pressure that I was feeling to figure everything out now and the opportunity to get some experience that looks good on paper makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward at the same time.

Second: soap.  I was sort of on hold with the heavy production of soap because I didn't feel focused.  In a recent huddle with my branding manager and all around Sudstress advocate Erin and my new, awesome, printing account manager Kim, I regained some focus and instead of trying to be everything to everyone, I've decided to narrow my focus to a few key aspects.  Wedding favors & gifts and Whole Foods (if they'll still have me).  I will not be participating in festivals in 2010 (except for a couple possibilities at the holiday season) and I will not be taking on new wholesale accounts this year, though I will maintain those which already exist.  I will also focus exclusively on soap rather than trying to expand my product line with items that do not excite me.

Third: home.  I have always had difficulty creating and maintaining organization, in the home, in my head, in my papers...  I have a lot of ideas and want to initiate several projects and have a tendency to get scattered both in my thoughts and in my home.  I haven't moved in 4 years and as I'm sure you know, things accumulate.  I have begun spring cleaning, but with a much more aggressive attitude about clearing out old items that no longer serve me. (thanks Hoarders)  I am doing this not only for the obvious benefit, but also for the practice; focusing on small goals and putting one foot in front of the other to create a new way of living for myself.  I was reminded recently by a friend that I explained riding up steep hills on my bike; I focus on the ground directly in front of me rather than looking to the top of the hill, otherwise I get overwhelmed and won't make it.  When I stay focused on what's directly in front of me, keeping in mind that things will get easier eventually allows me not only to make it to the top, but the process doesn't seem as long or difficult.  Applying this method to less tangible goals is where I could use the practice.

Fourth: issues of the heart. Part of where this hurricane of mental debris started was with a romantic interest.  Recently, someone with whom I'd begun to get to know and spend time with a few years ago reintroduced himself into my life out of the blue.  The twist is that last year he moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles, which makes it a challenge to get excited about.  Being that I just ended a long distance relationship, the thought of developing feelings for someone all the way across the country again would just seem like torture, but somehow I feel compelled to keep talking to him and accepting invitations to visit.  He excites me and that's difficult to ignore.  The experience so far has triggered some old emotional patterns that have been cluttering up my life and I feel this is an opportunity to rid myself of them. 

In an attempt at brevity, I'll say that in my formative years, there were several occasions in which I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me when I was being kind, open, trusting and genuine.  A few of these incidences were extremely devastating to me and somewhere along the line, I began to create and maintain a certain emotional distance from people.  After life taught me that things can and do fall apart at a moment's notice when you least expect it, often times I think and behave from the end, where things have already fallen apart.  Now that I'm an adult, I am taking responsibility for these feelings and am consciously working to change those patterns in an attempt to lead a more fulfilling life.  There is a big learning curve, however, and that's where things can get a little messy and embarrassing.

Recently, as I started to get a little invested in this guy, fear overwhelmed me and I ended up trying to control something that simply cannot be controlled.  I tried to regulate and seal everything into a neat little box in an effort to prevent any undesirables from seeping in.  Inevitably, this is destructive behavior and when it didn't work, my inclination was to move to the other side and shut off, which is unfortunately all too easy and familiar.  I know that this is not a fulfilling way to live, but the alternative is new and scary.  I fell down and all I can do at this point is get up, dust myself off and try again; maybe with him, maybe not.  I would like to strike a balance between allowing for the possibility of emotional intimacy without letting fear take over and going all Tommy Boy on his ass.

I got into trouble by focusing on the outcome rather than the process.  I felt so scared and out of control and that led to some embarrassing, cliched behavior.  I could see myself acting like a lunatic but was temporarily compelled by fear and I could not stop.  To my surprise and delight, he still calls me, for now.  While I would like for it to work out, I have to remember that I am a swell lady and I will be fine either way.  

Thanks Neko Case for my post title.

I like turtles.

This video was sent to me by a friend and I've since become obsessed with it. First of all, I love Tool. I find their musicianship to be astounding, but more importantly, I just like the way it sounds. I get lost in it. I get halfway through an album like Lateralus or 10,000 Days and I don't know how I got there.* Second, this is an amazing arrangement. I love the koto.



I don't know why it caught me off guard that a number of people were surprised by my affinity for their music. I realized a long time ago that people are always taken aback when they start to get to know who I really am. In fact, many of my closest friends over the years didn't really like me upon first meeting.

For a long time I thought it was just the nature of the industry in which I worked, but really it's an overall theme in my life. I may be no more complex than any other person, but there is always so much going on under the surface that most people, I find, cannot really read me. Ironically, I am very open and forthcoming about all aspects of myself when I feel a connection with a person. My social personality, though, is just the tip of the iceberg.

That being said, I called off Peter's move to Atlanta. Not only that, but I called off the relationship. This took him by surprise, which of course took me by surprise. I'd been struggling with it back in August when we broke up the first time, but if neither party is adamant about it, what's there to really finalize it? The issues I struggled with back then just became much more clear to me in the face of his arrival and I was forced to reconcile myself to the truth in my heart.

My only regret is that it took me until the last minute to become conscious of it. Once I stopped fighting what I already knew deep down, I was relieved. I was relieved of the burden of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I like squares, I get along with squares, I enjoy time with squares; but ultimately, a square does not truly fit into a circle and no matter how one might try to trim off the corners, in the end, there is still a void in the connection. He deserves to be with someone who better appreciates who he is and I deserve to be with someone who truly gets me on a fundamental level. Anything less is a disservice to love.

The concept of still actually liking a person and seeing their value instead of needing to run the relationship into the ground before accepting that they are not the right match and subsequently ending the relationship is new to me. Peter is a great person, but ultimately not the right match.

I thought after breaking up that regret might start to seep in and I'd have to remind myself of why it's right that we're not together. There are definitely qualities about him that I will miss, but I do not regret my decision. I am completely at peace with it. I feel like my future is wide open and I have a strong urge for drastic change. Something big is in the air, I can feel it.


* don't fret, Aenima, Undertow and Opiate have had their fair share of play time, but I find these two albums to be particularly hypnotizing.

Do you have the slightest idea (No, I don't)

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

My boots are getting heavy. As the hour of Peter's arrival draws near, I find myself panicked and confused. For lack of a better expression, wtf? He is set to leave in six days on a cross-country adventure with a final destination of my apartment. I never understood why people made rash decisions in the 11th hour of major events. I do now. I'm scared and that doesn't aid in clear headed & clear hearted conclusions. I am human and I too suffer from the human dilemma in that I have paradoxical feelings about all major events and areas of my life, including this one.

Sometimes I wish I'd created this blog anonymously so that I could talk through my anxieties with brutal honesty with no worries of exposing the personal details of other people's lives in a public setting. As it stands now, I edit, omit and sometimes spin to see the positive in things even if only for presentation. That is not to say I am reticent or disingenuous in my writing, but it usually results in large gaps between posts.

I also have a monkey on my back tendency to get wrapped up in the big snowballs that are my possible futures, each built with the sharp rocks of what-ifs and packed hard for devastation upon impact. I know there is really no "right" or "wrong" choice, but I fear making the wrong one none the less. This is the source of much of my dilemma. I get wrapped up in the deadly snowball and I have to find a way to locate the snowflake that is knowing what is right for me. I plan to spend time in meditation for the next day or two and hope to find some clarity underneath the shadow of much mental chatter, fear and doubt.

moving forward

I've had enough adrenaline and cortisol production for one week, so I'd like to move on and change the subject. Not sure if any of you have followed the story of me and Peter, but if you have, the last you heard, we had broken up. The thing is, we still were talking every day and not really doing any of the things you do in a break up to move past the person you've broken up with. It didn't feel like the solution we were looking for and neither of us were satisfied leaving it at that. It took me some time, but it actually was the step back I needed to take in order to move forward. That initial hormone laden, idealistic fairy tale, sparkles and fireworks period had worn off and I was left with the same great person, but in human form. This was a barrier I'd not yet been able to break through.

At the same time I was feeling this, he was about to move in with me from across the country and so I freaked. I think anyone with a history of retreating in the face of sustained intimacy would've had the same reaction. However, as we continued to talk and I continued to work on my fears and challenge myself, I turned a corner from the perspective of fear and flight to one of looking forward to an exciting challenge that brings with it amazing rewards that I have yet to experience in this lifetime and would certainly regret missing out on.

So, we decided to take another camping trip and see where that would lead us. Western North Carolina is beginning to become a tradition for us and it's one of my favorite places. Unfortunately we couldn't hike much because my knee was still swollen. Hence, the knee brace and mini-trampoline.






Aside from one major point of contention regarding bear safety during a period of 24 hours of rain, it was a great trip. Not only that, but the time we spent at home living daily life was completely different than last time when I was having my freak out. I didn't feel crowded or that my personal space was being invaded, but rather, I felt content and excited to come home to him after my daily errands. Coming home with him here was like a exhaling after a deep, satisfying breath of clean air.

After all of those days and nights struggling with whether I was ready for this kind of relationship, waffling between moving forward and moving on, wishing the decision could just be taken out of my hands, only after I'd found resolution, it was. Ironically, after I felt that indeed I was ready, still a bit scared, but able and willing to take on this new and exciting challenge, the fairy tale wore off for Peter and he was left with the same great person adorned in all of her humanity.

The dilemma was that Peter has dreamed of working in major motion pictures since he was a kid. He even went to school for it and worked in several aspects of production. For his whole life, the story in his head began in Los Angeles. All of the sudden, he was faced with the same feeling that I had not too long ago, that time was running out for him to get a start and if he made the "wrong" choice, that he'd always be looking over his shoulder wondering how things might have been. He was torn between me and L.A. with the idea that his career and a relationship with me were mutually exclusive.

I spent about a year (one week in real time) giving him space to figure out what the right decision was for him. I was in limbo. I let him know that I wanted to move forward with our relationship, but that I wanted even more for him to make a decision that he felt good about. It was important to me that he could feel as though he would be moving forward rather than like he was sacrificing something so important. If his decision meant that we really break up for good, I told him I'd be sad but I was sure that we would both be okay no matter what. The difficult part for me was that I couldn't start the difficult process of mourning the relationship, nor could I fantasize about our future together because both were a possibility and all I could do was wait. How long I could stay sane doing this was to be determined. Fortunately for me, after about a week and some conversations between him and his friends in L.A. who are in the business, he decided to commit to Atlanta for a year and re-evaluate then. Neither he nor I see ourselves in Atlanta permanently, but with my soap business growing locally, I feel I need to stay here for a while and cultivate it before transplanting it someplace else.

His thought was to be here permanently in time for Christmas, however my mom will be visiting for a couple of weeks and that would definitely be a full house. I haven't seen my mom in about three years, an amount of time that I feel is shameful and I'm thoroughly looking forward to spending time with her. So, it may be that Peter moves here after the first of the year. I am by no means suggesting that my mom's visit will foil my plans, please don't read it that way. My whole relationship with Peter has been a constant lesson in patience. You could say I have my yellow belt in patience. Besides the fact that time is flying by as my soap flies out the door during the holiday season, I enjoy the anticipation of exciting events and it's really not that far away. I'm looking forward to ringing in the new year with my mom and my man.

we used to be something, but somethin' happened to me

I figured a sad, twangy Ryan Adams would be the most appropriate for this post, though I'm finding myself relating to many a heartbreak song. My two year history with Peter has officially changed status. We've broken up. I still can't make myself change my facebook status as ridiculous that may sound. Although, to anyone who has gone through a painful breakup, I'm sure you can relate. This one is so different for me and actually caught me off guard. At the beginning, I was so terrified that he'd suddenly change his mind, call it off seemingly out of nowhere, and the rug would be pulled from under me. Well, the rug was pulled from under me but by my feelings of heartbreak over relief.

On the heels of his decision to move to Atlanta to be with me, fear and doubt, two extremely destructive things, began to creep in. I'd been fretting for the last few weeks that maybe we just couldn't relate on some very fundamental levels and it seemed that the easiest source of relief would be to end it. Every other break up for me has been a relief. I was completely done and moved on almost immediately. This one is not so. I don't understand how I can love someone and get along superbly until I return to my daily responsibilities. Perhaps in a few weeks when things sink in and I can start focusing my energies where I need to, I'll feel some release of pressure, but right now all I feel is lonely and sad.

I've been writing him letters. I'm not sure that I'll send them. His birthday is tomorrow. I feel I've failed. I have never had such ambivalence upon deciding to end a relationship. You see, he came here this past weekend and we went on a camping trip. I was consciously open to reconnecting and that's exactly what happened. We spent two nights in the mountains and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. Somehow, something happens when we're out of the woods and into daily life. Maybe it's that he so strongly reflects my shadow self:

"According to [Carl] Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to project: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived .. deficiency in someone else."

I think there are basic differences in our perspectives that make living daily life together a struggle and I have no way to know whether we could get past them if I didn't unintentionally sabotage (oxymoron, I know) our relationship by turning into a neurotic control freak (exaggerating a little here) where he couldn't do anything right by my standards. I have seen some ugly parts of myself and not only do I still have this work to do on myself - in or out of the relationship - but I feel so empty on top of it. Perhaps that's a small price to pay for clarity over confusion. At least now I'm only troubled rather than troubled and indecisive.

We had a really special, unique, magical, adventurous, amazing run of it for a while. I have my theories on what went wrong and what changed, but I can't force myself to grow as a person any faster than I am able and I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with that. I have a feeling that I'm also going to have to be okay with the fact that this appears to be much more difficult for me to let go of than it is for him. At least that's the way it appears to me. I'm used to being the one who gets over it easily; but what is pride when your heart is broken?

I have nothing more to say.

I have endless things to say.

It's a hard way to fall.

This ain't the easy way down.

It's a hard thing to love anyone, anyhow.

Too Sad To Wax Poetic.

Well, I just took Peter to the airport after his two week visit with me.  He flies to Fairbanks, AK tomorrow for the Yukon Quest, where we spent three amazing weeks together last year.  It's almost becoming old hat now, the pattern of emotion in this long distance relationship.  And much like the June trip, we ended up with but one cell phone picture of our entire visit.  

Once the plane tickets are bought, I relax.  A week before he gets here the countdown starts and I start getting really excited.  While he's here, I pretty much disappear.  A day or two before he leaves I start getting that anxious feeling in my stomach like late on a Sunday evening in high school and you still have homework to do.  As we drive to the airport, it seems like we're just driving somewhere like any other day except that I can't believe how quickly our time together has passed.  When it's time for him to go through security I have to hold back the tears and then quickly bolt out of the airport as soon as he gets in line at the risk of embarrassing myself.  I get home and for a few days everything is very quiet and a little sad before I get back into the swing of things.  Right now it's very quiet and I'm a little sad, so I'll save the rest for next time.

Thoughts colliding in my head like a horde of mexican jumping beans after a quadruple espresso.

The biggest event that transpired since my last post (besides my Graves Disease coming out of remission - but that's another post) was Peter's three week visit with me, here in Atlanta.  It passed like the blink of an eye and when our efforts to prolong the trip were financially thwarted (one way tickets are NOT half the cost of round trip) I begrudgingly took him to the airport this morning after a 5:30 a.m. wake up call.  We sat silently holding hands most of the way, 'The Greatest' providing quiet accompaniment on our drive in the predawn hour.  Having missed the cut off for baggage check, Peter missed his flight from Atlanta to San Francisco....  again.  With the extra 20 minutes this gave us until his next flight, we sat with coffee and shared a bagel as I remarked about how natural it felt just being next to him before he left me for the security check line.

Oh my sweet Carolina.

Making  my way back to the car, I felt fairly stable as opposed to the anguish I had been anticipating and I pressed the unlock button only once, glad not to be in tears.  As I sat in morning rush hour, Love Is Hell began to play.  Just three days prior, these songs had cascaded from the same speakers as they did now, but with Peter at the wheel and me beside him.  He mentioned how the music complemented the scenery as we drove south on the Blue Ridge Parkway through the trees whose leaves were golden beneath the sun.  This brought the first tears to my eyes.  Upon arriving home, the coffee he had bought for me still in hand, I walked into my apartment which no longer carried any sign of his presence.  Silently greeted by the pot and pan soaking from our romantic dinner just hours ago, the indentation in the sheets from where he had slept, the couch where we cuddled and watched movies; I was overwhelmed with sadness over how empty my home felt.  

You were holdin' me, little honey, kissing my soul.

The last time I saw Peter this past August, we agreed that our experience with each other seems exponentially better with each trip and this was no exception.  There comes a point for me in the early stages of relationships where the "flaws" that make a person human start to become visible beyond the veil of idealism through which I initially see a person.  I thought for sure the terrified heart underlying the commitment-phobe in me would latch onto these things as it has in the past eliciting a sigh of relief, comforted by my old patterns.  The patterns that create distance between me and another thus avoiding the risk of getting hurt.  I feel triumphant that I was aware of this notion and consequently able to break through that internal wall in order to finally get to really involve myself in experiencing another person intimately.  I am literally amazed that three weeks of constant contact left me wanting more.  This is the first time that I've gotten my space back and was not relieved to have it all to myself again.

...when you're living in the darkness.

Peter and I got to do so much that we missed doing back in June which wrapped up yesterday with Dialog in the Dark which lets you explore an hour without sight.  I always wonder which parts I'll remember more than others because they're always different than the moments I think I'll remember at the time.  While he was here, we went to the Starlight Drive In, The Georgia Aquarium, Thrashers game, Dialog in the Dark, Agave, Thumbs Up Diner, The Brickstore, Asheville, Mt. Mitchell, Mt. Pisgah, Blue Ridge Parkway, camped, cooked wonderful dinners and breakfasts, wandered through the farmer's markets of DeKalb and Asheville, went for several walks, toasted marshmallows in the mountains and a lot of other stuff I won't mention.

Don't get me wrong dear. In general I think I'm doing quite fine.

I've always been a sucker for song lyrics.  I always think it's so corny when other people use them as their own personal statement, but I guess I do that too.  It's not so much for the feeling of shared sentiment, but that someone can put it into words what I'm feeling better than I am able to sometimes.  It's that feeling like when you can't remember the name of a movie and someone mentions it and that sense of satisfaction rushes over you.  I imagine that's what poetry does for some, but I always find myself frustrated trying to dissect the open ended verbiage that is somehow lost on me.  I may as well be trying to get emotional satisfaction in binary code.

In the days since Peter returned to his life, I've felt like something's missing.  My life has gone back to its regular pattern, but it feels somewhat hollow in certain ways.  There's been no definition to our relationship, only the mutual acknowledgment of an emotional connection and scattered thoughts of living in the same city as one another.  This is alright with me because I have great fear associated with finding someone real, feeling something real and taking the chance of ending up heartbroken.  Somehow the distance makes it seem safer.  I think that everyone fears heartbreak and that's why people - particularly women for some reason - feel pressure to label their relationships whether it's boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, or whatever other creative label one might come up with.  Perhaps they feel it's a safeguard against getting hurt, in defining the level of commitment.  The truth is, though, that sometimes people's feelings change.  Time, distance, circumstance, hormones, who knows what else can emotionally trump a promise.  So really, the only thing you can do as an emotionally vulnerable human being is to be open and honest with yourself and hopefully the person with whom you choose to share that open and honest self will treat it with care.