If I knew heartbreak was coming, I would've set out running.

I'd like to start by expressing my absolute gratitude to those of you who reached out to me either through commenting on my last post; emailing, texting or calling me; asking friends about me and how I'm doing or sending positive thoughts or prayers my way.  I can't tell you how connected and cared for that made me feel.  I have spent the last few weeks in a pretty chaotic place in my head and I feel like I've finally found a small nugget of clarity and the peace that comes with it.

First: the job.  The unknown is always intimidating, but once I actually got in there, it wasn't so scary.  Not only is the environment extremely laid back and the staff friendly, but also, three days in I was approached about training for management shifts to fill in when the current managers are occupied with other events.  I came from a place where competence and integrity were frequently overlooked and undervalued, "promotion" to management was the first step out the door with the highest turnover rate than any other position.  I was pleasantly surprised when my experience, competence and integrity were so quickly recognized and it was the sign I needed in order to remember that sometimes opportunities pop up when and where you least expect them.  The fact that I have a sustainable income now has eased some of the pressure that I was feeling to figure everything out now and the opportunity to get some experience that looks good on paper makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward at the same time.

Second: soap.  I was sort of on hold with the heavy production of soap because I didn't feel focused.  In a recent huddle with my branding manager and all around Sudstress advocate Erin and my new, awesome, printing account manager Kim, I regained some focus and instead of trying to be everything to everyone, I've decided to narrow my focus to a few key aspects.  Wedding favors & gifts and Whole Foods (if they'll still have me).  I will not be participating in festivals in 2010 (except for a couple possibilities at the holiday season) and I will not be taking on new wholesale accounts this year, though I will maintain those which already exist.  I will also focus exclusively on soap rather than trying to expand my product line with items that do not excite me.

Third: home.  I have always had difficulty creating and maintaining organization, in the home, in my head, in my papers...  I have a lot of ideas and want to initiate several projects and have a tendency to get scattered both in my thoughts and in my home.  I haven't moved in 4 years and as I'm sure you know, things accumulate.  I have begun spring cleaning, but with a much more aggressive attitude about clearing out old items that no longer serve me. (thanks Hoarders)  I am doing this not only for the obvious benefit, but also for the practice; focusing on small goals and putting one foot in front of the other to create a new way of living for myself.  I was reminded recently by a friend that I explained riding up steep hills on my bike; I focus on the ground directly in front of me rather than looking to the top of the hill, otherwise I get overwhelmed and won't make it.  When I stay focused on what's directly in front of me, keeping in mind that things will get easier eventually allows me not only to make it to the top, but the process doesn't seem as long or difficult.  Applying this method to less tangible goals is where I could use the practice.

Fourth: issues of the heart. Part of where this hurricane of mental debris started was with a romantic interest.  Recently, someone with whom I'd begun to get to know and spend time with a few years ago reintroduced himself into my life out of the blue.  The twist is that last year he moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles, which makes it a challenge to get excited about.  Being that I just ended a long distance relationship, the thought of developing feelings for someone all the way across the country again would just seem like torture, but somehow I feel compelled to keep talking to him and accepting invitations to visit.  He excites me and that's difficult to ignore.  The experience so far has triggered some old emotional patterns that have been cluttering up my life and I feel this is an opportunity to rid myself of them. 

In an attempt at brevity, I'll say that in my formative years, there were several occasions in which I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me when I was being kind, open, trusting and genuine.  A few of these incidences were extremely devastating to me and somewhere along the line, I began to create and maintain a certain emotional distance from people.  After life taught me that things can and do fall apart at a moment's notice when you least expect it, often times I think and behave from the end, where things have already fallen apart.  Now that I'm an adult, I am taking responsibility for these feelings and am consciously working to change those patterns in an attempt to lead a more fulfilling life.  There is a big learning curve, however, and that's where things can get a little messy and embarrassing.

Recently, as I started to get a little invested in this guy, fear overwhelmed me and I ended up trying to control something that simply cannot be controlled.  I tried to regulate and seal everything into a neat little box in an effort to prevent any undesirables from seeping in.  Inevitably, this is destructive behavior and when it didn't work, my inclination was to move to the other side and shut off, which is unfortunately all too easy and familiar.  I know that this is not a fulfilling way to live, but the alternative is new and scary.  I fell down and all I can do at this point is get up, dust myself off and try again; maybe with him, maybe not.  I would like to strike a balance between allowing for the possibility of emotional intimacy without letting fear take over and going all Tommy Boy on his ass.

I got into trouble by focusing on the outcome rather than the process.  I felt so scared and out of control and that led to some embarrassing, cliched behavior.  I could see myself acting like a lunatic but was temporarily compelled by fear and I could not stop.  To my surprise and delight, he still calls me, for now.  While I would like for it to work out, I have to remember that I am a swell lady and I will be fine either way.  

Thanks Neko Case for my post title.

searching for inspiration in quotation

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
- Buddha

"If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting."
- Katherine Hepburn    

This is the third post I've begun in the last three weeks; I hope to actually publish this one.  I've been having difficulty quieting my mind of worry and stress over my future and thus haven't been able to organize my thoughts into a coherent piece of writing.  Typically, writing helps me find clarity, but I suppose I've felt a bit more lost that usual.  For the last nine months, I've been living off meager earnings supplemented by my savings account.  In that time I worked on growing Sudstress and sent out numerous resumes, however I don't look so great on paper and need I mention the current job market?  So far I have managed to exhaust half of what it took me ten years to save.

After recently having to get my clutch replaced; my brakes, rotors and wheel bearings fixed; running up a $1,700 bill for an MRI of my knee which was neither diagnosed nor treated, I finally decided it was time to stop hemorrhaging my savings and I get a restaurant job.  While I'm excited at the prospect of a disposable income, which will be disposed directly into my saving's account, it's a bit of a blow to the ego and I feel like I've failed.  This is not where I pictured myself at 33.  In fact, I never had any picture of myself at 33 and therein lies the problem.  I don't want to be 43 facing the same dilemma.  I am aware of how fleeting time is and I'm feeling pressure to figure it all out and to figure it out now.

"You've got to jump off cliffs, all the time, and build your wings on the way down.
- Ray Bradbury
 
The last decade of having to work sometimes until 5 a.m.; a smoky environment; constant sober interaction with drunk people... it was starting to suck the life out of me, so I quit with no backup plan.  I took the 'leap and the net will appear' approach, trusting that everything would work out as it should, opportunities would arise and I would make a successful escape from the bar business.  Though it may feel like a step back, I acknowledge that it's not and that things could be much worse.  I am thankful that at least I have the option of having gainful employment and that there are plenty of people who are out of work and struggling.  The bottom line is that I want to do something more, I just don't know what that is.

 The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.
- Arnold Toynbee
 
Soapmaking has been a great passion of mine for the last five+ years and I have put so much of myself into Sudstress that I am in no way ready to say goodbye to it in this process of moving forward.  While I've managed to double my sales from 2008 to 2009, I'm nowhere near the numbers that could sustain me financially and I have to formulate a more effective and immediate plan.  For now, I will focus more on cultivating the customized wedding projects and less so on wholesale, as the latter requires tremendous inventory, time, space and volume with a much lower profit margin.

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."
- Nietzsche
 
Since about the age of 25, I've spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how I could integrate earning a living with fulfilling work.  In the last year, I've really been digging deep trying to solve this puzzle to no avail.  Once I find a direction, I approximate at least three years before I'm able to enter into employment into whatever field after the necessary schooling or training.  I've waited this long, I feel like I could live with three years.  What causes me to lie awake at night is the fact that I've been at it for the last 8 years and feel no closer to figuring it out than I did when I began.  Sometimes it feels like I'm floundering with no end in sight.

"But" is a fence over which few leap.
- German proverb
 
Lately I've been contemplating going back to school for a Master's Degree in Psychology.  I remember when I was a kid expressing enthusiasm for the field and mentioned going to college for it when some irresponsible adult told me how cliche that was and how impossible it would be to find a job with a Bachelor's in Psychology.  For some reason, fear took hold and instead of the notion that with further education, a career in psychology was not only possible, but quite likely, and I gave up on the idea.  Ironically, I ended up with a B.A. in Film.


To play it safe is not to play.
- Robert Altman

I've realized lately that many of my choices have been made in the same manor.  Instead of moving toward something that could make me happy or satisfied or accomplished, I move away from that fear of possible failure.  That possibility lies everywhere and I have let that hold me back from creating the life I want.  That is how I believe I ended up in a place that honestly could be worse, but is ultimately not truly satisfying.  A few weeks ago, it was in this sort of vein that I made up my mind to move to California, get out of my rut and start myself on a new path ripe with hope and possibility.  The problem is, there are no quick fixes in this life and the necessity at the source of my confusion is the very thing that is holding me back: money.  So I feel that I'm back to square one in a town that while full of friends and familiarity, no longer suits me.  I want to leap but am bound by the very circumstance that I intend to change.

I am adopting the following phrase as my words to live by in hopes of affecting the decisions I make as ones that will move me towards happiness, fulfillment and some sense of peace.  I need big change and it is a challenge to find patience when it feels as though time is of the essence and my efforts have been thwarted by my own doing.  Perhaps I should move to Nepal and meditate indefinitely..

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Casteneda

festival, sorta...

My dear Atlantans. It's been a big week. I quit my job. I could write paragraph after paragraph after paragraph about how, why, etc., but I feel like doing that would just create negative emotion and anxiety over such things that I quit to move forward from in the first place. It was a long time coming and I'm excited to move on to what's next and I'll leave it at that.

Oh! The reason I started out with my dear Atlantans is that I'll be on the periphery of a festival this weekend. Memorial Day weekend marks the annual Decatur Arts Festival. Like a few other festivals, this one caters solely to the "fine arts" and those who create consumables, i.e. soap, are ineligible for participation.   H o w e v e r . . . one store that carries my soaps - Melrose on Ponce - rents out space in front of their shop, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I paid slightly less than a festival this size would cost in order to set up, which is a bit of a risk as I don't know how it will work out not being legitimately associated with the festival. There is never any way to predict the results when officially part of a festival either, so, really it's no different. I will still benefit from the foot traffic in the neighborhood and possibly more because I know there will likely be no other bath & body vendors around the festival. Also, Melrose on Ponce is such a great store and I like that it's a mutually beneficial deal. Last but not least, it's more exposure even if I don't sell much, my soap will still be in the hands of that many more people, and I will have more names on my mailing list. This is particularly a good thing because when Comcast made the switch a few months ago, I lost my entire contact list.  *shaking fists at comcast*  Fortunately I still have the notebooks I used to collect people's emails and am rebuilding it slowly but surely.

In any event, look for something like this  -  I'll be set up Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday.



On a side note, today is a big day for me since I dropped Neko off at Lifeline for an affordable way to get his nuggets clipped and update his shots. I'll admit I shed a few tears. His little beanbags are the last connection I have to Fat Head who is the last connection to Phoebe.   Plus, it's lonely without that little furrball terrorizing the place. Lilly seems to be enjoying the peace and quiet and has not left my lap for a moment at any time when I've been sitting down today.

honorable mentions

This has been a really good week for me regarding soap.  I made it to the front page of etsy twice and one of those times was chosen by an etsy administrator, which feels really special.  I also surpassed my goal of 30 etsy sales this month (have since readjusted goal to 50), shoreline was featured in a treasury by dennis anderson of anderson soap company and two of my favorite soapies were featured by Joanna of the soap bar.  Let me tell you a bit more about dennis and joanna.

Dennis Anderson is one of my inspirations not only because he makes such beautiful product, but also after reading about him in the recurring storque article "Quit Your Day Job", it gives me hope that one day I too can quit my day (or night as the case may be) job.  The original article is what inspired me and just now, looking for the link, I found the follow up article!  I recently joined the etsy SAFE team, of which I am still a provisional member and have learned a little more about his personality through the forums.  He seems bold and hilarious and if there was ever a doubt that this guy is a complete bad ass, it is forever erased.

Joanna has created a blog called the soap bar that is tremendously successful.  In fact, I would guess that almost half of my blog hits come from the link on her site.  I believe her site is so popular because she is passionate about handmade soap and for every person who sells soap, there must be 1,000 who make it as a hobby and can't get enough soap porn.  On Joanna's site, you can find the best soap porn all in one place.  I can't say enough how awesome it is to be featured in one of her blog posts.  

It is truly an honor that my soaps have even received a second glance by these people and I really appreciate the chance for exposure because of them.  I hope I don't sound ass kissy, it's just that this comes at a time when I was starting to feel a bit hopeless and wonder how I'd ever make it out of an industry that is getting more and more dangerous and moving closer and closer to my place of employment.  I feel lucky and aim to replace fear with hope, which is just what this week in soap has done for me.

I'm Not Quitting the Soap Business & New Soaps.

The more I think about pursuing product photography, the more sense it makes.  Originally, the thought of making photography in any form the realistic money earning route seemed ridiculous.  The more I consider it, the more people I talk to who work as photographers for a living and as I begin to learn some photoshop skills, the idea seems much more viable.  The digital age has really made it possible for such things.  For those of you that sell on Etsy, could you imagine taking 35 mm pictures of your items, sending them to be developed, scanning and uploading?  It seems absurd somehow.

My friend Kelley has been teaching me the absolute basics of Photoshop, but I plan to buy a book and do most of the learning myself.  I've checked some books from the library on photography, though outdated according to digital technology, still relevant regarding the fundamentals of photography.  Incidentally, this is one of my favorite photographers, who happens to be local to Atlanta.

Some of the recent soapies I've made while practicing my newly learned photoshop skillz:

I've been working with Marc Basehore GM of Aurora Coffee on a couple of custom creations.  I think we've decided on a couple of pretty sweet themes.

double espresso

macchiato (possibly)

This one was an experiment that went right.  I'd seen really whispy swirls on a couple of Etsy soap sites and couldn't figure out how they'd done that.  Then one day I was doing some research on clay in shaving soaps and it clicked; swirl the color with the soap without blending it into the soap first!  This soap got pretty thick pretty fast, so by the time I dumped the mixture of titanium dioxide & kaolin clay in water into the soap, I thought it was going to be a complete disaster.  Turns out I was wrong.  My favorite parts are on the cut sides and the tops after trimming.

black marble

guest size soap

Hold On, Hold On.

Growing up in Rochester, NY ~ winters were loooooooooong.  I've been in Atlanta for just over ten years now, and winters are loooooooooooong.  I love autumn, I love the cozy feeling of December, but once January 1 comes around, I want out.  All I want to do is hibernate, I'm less productive, I'm cold.  By February, it's all I can do to hang on until the spring.  Honestly, I think I get a little depressed with all the lifeless tree branches and the numbness in my toes.  I've been thinking a lot about where I'll move next when my time in Atlanta is up.  One of the things that will carry much weight in this decision is how the external influences will either support or hinder the lifestyle that I want to lead; i.e. weather, transportation, etc.  I realized that this is so important to me because my mood & attitude are too easily swayed by outside influences.  This is also something I consider an important thing to change.

Lately I've noticed that the people I consider good friends, those I let past the wall that holds most people at bay, the people I truly admire and respect all believe in me whole heartedly.  They have no doubts about my talent or ability to make something happen for myself.  There is just one person who really matters that I have tried my hardest to convince.  One person that I constantly confront and question, who will not put their faith in me.  This person knows me well and sees the laziness, sees the imperfections, insecurities, doubt and desperation and can use my very humanity to break my spirit, kick me when I'm down and beat me into my own personal misery of convention.  It's me.  

I don't know how to consistently believe in myself.  It's easy to feel positive when I've just made a sale on etsy, but what about when I'm putting my shoes on to go to work to support myself in an industry that holds no future for me?  How do I believe that I'll work my way out doing something I love instead of just exchanging one exhausting, passionless job for another?  If I don't believe that I can, how can I?  The possibilities already seem small, but without the "I think I can, I think I can", I dare not measure just how small they are.

This is not to say that I'm giving up.  Somehow I continually forge ahead even with my head swimming in sludge.  To me, there is no alternative.  The strong suggestion was made to me that I look into putting a portfolio together as a product photographer.  This resonated with me and I think it's worth investing some time and energy to learn and improve.  There is that part of me who feels exasperated, like I'm constantly going back to the ol' drawing board.  I'm starting to feel too old to be looking for Plan B.  Eh...  at least I have tickets to Neko Case in April when the weather will make me happy again.

Back In the Saddle

It's been an emotional week to say the least.  I've been pretty consumed with the emotional aftermath of a senseless death that hits really close to home, so I've been angry, scared, sad, confused, over and over again.  I've been trying to take action with the community as a whole and also with the specific neighborhood in which I work.  I've found some good information and am happy to say that action has been taken where I work that makes me feel more comfortable.  I wish it was an off duty cop in the parking lot at close every night, but it's a creative solution that makes me feel like the chances of someone getting away in a situation similar to what happened at Standard are slimmer anyway.  We are getting wireless panic buttons.  Granted it's a reactionary rather than a proactive solution but business is slow, margins are slim and there's just no way they can/will justify hiring an off duty cop every night of the week.

I've tried not to put my life on hold during this time of emotional roller coasterishness.  Peter is coming January 25th for two weeks before he heads to the Yukon Quest to handle dogs for Dave Dalton.  Also, I've been running again and ran 5 road miles last Sunday and 5 trail miles yesterday.  I'm slower than I used to be, but the fact that I've kept in good enough shape to start back at that distance feels good.  The fall is such good biking and running weather and because my Graves Disease came out of remission I couldn't exercise until my thyroid levels went down significantly to avoid damage to my heart and thyroid storm and also because my body just couldn't.  I have to say my gym attendance has been suffering while trying to get this idea of customizable groomsmen gifts put together under a deadline.  However, I believe it will be worth it and once the packaging structure is set, I should be able to get more gym time in.

How about a lovely picture to make everybody feel better?

It's my new logo in the works.

Mr. Rogers Doesn't Work Here

This is where I currently fund my soap supplies/addiction/business.  Neighbor's Pub in the Virginia Highland area of Atlanta.  Trust me, I'm not as sweet as I look.  Okay, sometimes, but usually it's a result of someone making a joke about balls.  As it turns out I have the sense of humor of an adolescent boy.  

For the interview and more pictures, you can go to metromix.