Indeed, not chopped liver..

I had my endocrinology appointment yesterday and I'd say things went pretty well.  I constantly forget how great my doctor is.  She practices western medicine, but was raised in India and some of that culture seems to still be ingrained in her.  Every time I expect to be met with resistance and pushed towards RAI or surgery.  Instead, I am listened to, heard, and my decisions regarding my treatment respected.  My doctor asks about other areas of my life like my work, boyfriends, stress levels, etc.  She doesn't shrug off the benefits of the meditation practice, nutrition, and physical activity to my well-being and potential remission.  I have to say I really appreciate my endocrinologist.

That being said, she talked to me about my liver enzyme levels and showed me that although a few of them were high, they weren't high enough to worry about just yet and wanted me do another set of labs, including a hepatitis screening profile (yikes!).  I explained that I had cleaned up my diet the best I knew how and added a mild liver cleansing tea (Every Day Detox by Traditional Medicinals) and that I had a more potent liver cleanser on the way from a licensed herbalist.  She told me it was probably best to hold off on the latter until I saw a liver specialist who could tell me exactly why my liver was functioning inadequately.  However, she didn't recommend that I go see one unless my levels increased further.     

She sent me off with instructions to take a lower dose of thyroid medication, which had been previously been increased due to poor communication between myself and the doctor filling in for my doctor, who had returned to India upon her father's passing.     

I went to the lab for a stick in the other arm and few hours later, Heather the nurse called to tell me that my liver enzymes had improved.  I heard the word normal in there, but I was a little excited so I can't remember if she said they were normal or almost normal.  Either way, I was ecstatic.  I sent out a text to my mom, brother and Irish lad - who must be psychic, because he called that very moment to see how my appointment went before realizing I'd sent out a text.  I go back in six weeks for more labs on my thyroid, but not on my liver. 

I plan to keep my diet as clean as possible so as not to put any undue strain on my liver.  I also intend to pursue acupuncture for supplemental treatment for my Graves Disease in the hopes that I will achieve remission sooner and for a longer duration so that I can prevent the toxic affect of my medication on my liver.  The hardest part about this disease is the perpetual cycle of stress and symptoms.  I have no doubt that stress triggered this latest episode and the disease itself causes me a massive amount of stress, worrying about the myriad physical manifestations of it, the cosmetic effect of it while still trying to digest the transition into my third decade of life; trying to maintain a perspective of increasing fitness and health rather than accept a decline in either.  This is where my meditation, exercise and acupuncture can help relieve my mind and body of these burdens so that my physical body can begin its return to the state of well-being it knows.  Doctors orders: "don't worry", and I mean not to.

Graves concerns..

I had intended for my next post to be all about my trip to New York City, where I met up with old friends and attended a live session for my Integrative Nutrition program.  As life works, I ran into some snafus.  First, I was making less money at the new job that I left my last job for, with the sole purpose of making enough money to pay my bills and to pay off some debt.  Second, I hated that job.  Both of these things contributed to more stress, so I put the word out to the peeps I've known over the years and got me a sparkling new bartending job, again.  Unfortunately I had to burn a bridge to get from the last one to this one, but I had to choose my needs over those of the job that sucked.

So I finally feel like I've got this little corner of my life calmed down so my financial state of affairs can start to improve when all of the sudden, something in the other corner crashes.  As it turns out, one of the side effects of Methimazole, the thyroid suppressing medication I'm on, is that it can be toxic to the liver.  My thyroid levels are starting to come down closer to normal ranges due to the medication, which is good.  The bad news, which I received yesterday, is that my liver enzymes are above normal indicating improper functioning of that other vital organ.  The good news is that this will likely resolve itself if I get off of Methimazole.  The bad news is, I can't go left untreated and the very pill that has previously enabled me to achieve remission rather than kill or remove an organ necessary for survival is poisoning my liver.

There is another medication PTU, but it is more likely to contribute to liver disease than the one I'm on now.  Beyond that, the only other options offered to me are surgical removal or radioactive iodine, both of which will render me unable to ever produce the essential thyroid hormone ever again and I would have to supplement with synthetic hormone, about which I have grave concerns.  Trying to replicate the function of a vital organ has its own set of problems.  A pill is never the quick cure people tend to think it is.  I'd rather work with my body than rely on conventional medicine for the rest of my life.

My mom has consulted with a licensed herbalist and as I type, some liver cleansing teas and tinctures are on their way to my doorstep.  I had planned to consult an acupuncturist as soon as I could afford it, but that's taken longer than I had anticipated and ...   please, please, oh please don't make me kill my thyroid!

This is a scary time for me.  I don't have a large support network, though I have a pretty strong one, but it's not local.  My mom and brother are always there for me and can help me with things I don't have the energy or resources for.  My Irish friend has been a tremendous shoulder to lean on.   He's going to be away for a marathon and then to Dublin for a couple of weeks in July and then I may feel a little stranded, as he's been really supportive and comforting to me since the moment I met him.  My meditation practice adds a bit of peace to this whole mess, but it's been tearful here and there. 

Even with some emotional support, I'm feeling pretty alone and afraid.  This country doesn't practice medication before murder of the thyroid, so I don't feel as though I have an ally in the medical community that I've had to rely on.  The one thing that I've found some resolve in is that now I know why the circles under my eyes are so bad, despite the kind words of my friends to the contrary, I see them.  It's because my liver is being poisoned and it shows.  As my brother said to me yesterday, people face adversity all of the time and come through it with flying colors.  I intend to be one of those people.  Being strong and brave does not mean to live in the absence of fear, but despite it.

I have an appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow morning, they will test my liver again at that time and I can ask questions.  The liver cleansing tea prepared by a licensed herbalist will arrive on Tuesday.  Books by Andrea Beaman (also an IIN graduate), Joel Fuhrman (who spoke at my weekend of Integrative Nutrition in NYC), and Daniel Amen are on their way.  I know the body has a tremendous ability to heal itself where pills meant to heal do damage elsewhere in the body.  But I know this takes time and I hope it's not too late for me.  I already eat pretty well, but I have a long history of processed foods in my past.  As of yesterday, I'm doing all I can to keep from adding undue stress to my liver by eliminating alcohol, excess sugar and salt, all processed foods, caffeine, excess fat etc. and am eating as clean a diet as possible with simple whole grains, whole fruits and whole vegetables, most of which in the Cruciferae family - Kale being my latest addition.  I'm not sure what a mere two days of this can do for the liver, but you can rest assured that it'll end up on this blog. 

Here are some lovely pictures from my time in NYC.  I'll write about what I learned from Deepak Chopra and Geneen Roth soon.

See Dick Run

Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago.  In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him.  If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy.  I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.

In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.

If I may make an analogy..

Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much.  If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished.  The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.

For a short time I was replete with infatuation.  You've been there...  food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person.  When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working.  When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous.  I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became.  That's what happened just now.  I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either.  I felt free.  Then this email came through.  It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit..  I'm the one who got hurt,)  and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.

I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings.  It's not even about him even if it feels like it is.  I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on.  I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him.  Whatev...  I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch!  (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter.  what? I didn't tell you about that?  I will later, just remind me)  Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened.  I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time.  I already feel better at the end of this post.  Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived.  I don't think I could live without it.

Back In the Saddle

It's been an emotional week to say the least.  I've been pretty consumed with the emotional aftermath of a senseless death that hits really close to home, so I've been angry, scared, sad, confused, over and over again.  I've been trying to take action with the community as a whole and also with the specific neighborhood in which I work.  I've found some good information and am happy to say that action has been taken where I work that makes me feel more comfortable.  I wish it was an off duty cop in the parking lot at close every night, but it's a creative solution that makes me feel like the chances of someone getting away in a situation similar to what happened at Standard are slimmer anyway.  We are getting wireless panic buttons.  Granted it's a reactionary rather than a proactive solution but business is slow, margins are slim and there's just no way they can/will justify hiring an off duty cop every night of the week.

I've tried not to put my life on hold during this time of emotional roller coasterishness.  Peter is coming January 25th for two weeks before he heads to the Yukon Quest to handle dogs for Dave Dalton.  Also, I've been running again and ran 5 road miles last Sunday and 5 trail miles yesterday.  I'm slower than I used to be, but the fact that I've kept in good enough shape to start back at that distance feels good.  The fall is such good biking and running weather and because my Graves Disease came out of remission I couldn't exercise until my thyroid levels went down significantly to avoid damage to my heart and thyroid storm and also because my body just couldn't.  I have to say my gym attendance has been suffering while trying to get this idea of customizable groomsmen gifts put together under a deadline.  However, I believe it will be worth it and once the packaging structure is set, I should be able to get more gym time in.

How about a lovely picture to make everybody feel better?

It's my new logo in the works.

Quick & Random

The Inman Park Festival starts tomorrow and I'm working tonight until the wee hours and will probably not sleep before arriving to set up as close to 6:30 a.m. as possible.  Fourteen hours is a long day with no sleep, but I've done it before and I can do it again.  I never feel ready for these things.  It's so hard to predict what people will want and I always wish I had a more varied product line.  A few deep breaths should do the trick.  My success or failure does not depend solely on this one event.  My tent leaked last year and the weather forecast calls for scattered thunderstorms on both days, so I bought some scotch guard and a couple of plastic tarps.  Everything will be fine.

I rode hard on Tuesday.  I did 26 hilly miles in about an hour and a half.  Not too shabby, but I have not run or biked since and wish I could go right now to relieve some of this nervous tension.  I'm a little stressed about the j.o.b. as well, but things will work out, I guess.  They always do.   And if they don't...  they still will, just differently.  

I haven't felt this stressed in a while, so I'm going to focus on de-stressing about everything.  It's just wasted energy.  I think part of it is that I feel like I don't have a very big support network right now.  Unsure whether this feeling comes from inside or out, but I'm inclined to say it's the former rather than the latter.

I've lost a few pounds, that's good.  I hope it's not my hyperthyroidism acting up again.  I need to make an appointment with the endocrinologist on Monday.

This month I watched Little Children, Juno, Capote, No Country for Old Men, Owning Mahowny and Sex & Lucia.  I highly recommend them all.  I also discovered that I really like the Paolo Nutini cd.  He sings about getting it on in pretty much every song.  Speaking of which, I can't wait to see this guy in June when he comes to visit me.

I am going to take a lesson from my kitty Neko, he has not a care in the world.

Okay, I feel a little better.  Now I shall go load heavy tables into my car.