No vacancy

About a month ago, on my way to work, I noticed a tent set up underneath a tree near the highway.  Every time I've driven by since then, I steal a glance to take in whatever I can.  Sometimes I see one person, sometimes two, talking or just sitting.  Sometimes I see their clothes scattered about or the tent still set up.  Then, about a week ago, there was only grass beneath that tree.  There was no tent; no socks; no tan, leathery, skinny, grey bearded man attempting to stay cool beneath its branches...  until today.  I drove by, he was there, and for the first time, I got a clear view of his face.  I saw a deep sadness, but I don't know if I projected what I saw onto his blank face because of the context in which I saw him.  Maybe he wasn't sad, maybe he was just bored, maybe he was thinking or feeling the breeze on his face, or maybe life, love, or drugs had left him emotionally eviscerated.

I want to pull over and find out.  I want to listen to his experience or give him a twenty dollar bill or both.  I fear that instead of the romanticized version of who he is and the bad run of luck that brought him there, I'm afraid it's more likely that I'd find a drug addict or mentally ill man.  In my mind, he's just a good person dealt a bad hand, but it's probably more realistic to think that he chose meth over shelter.  I do try to look upon him with compassion but also with a mind for my personal safety, so I don't stop, not that he'd be willing to share his story with me anyway.  I tend to think in terms of worst case scenerio for myself and that if I ever run out of money, make one bad choice, that could be me; that I'm just as vulnerable to being knocked down without a hand to help me back up.  That's when I have to be conscious to remember that I am very lucky to have many people who care about me, that would give me a place to sleep, a warm meal or whatever support they could to help me get back up.

This past Monday, I was surprised by the man I've been dating, with tickets to see Ray LaMontagne and David Gray.  Both of us reeeeeeally wanted to see Ray LaMontagne, whom I've never seen live.  On our way there, we stopped at Whole Foods to pick up something to eat when I had a prolonged episode of arrhythmia, an unfortunate side effect of overactive thyroid, and had to sit down and try to relax.  It scared me so much that each time I felt my heart flutter in my chest, I thought "I don't want to die today".  Even though that was far from a near death experience, it really drove home the understanding that life is short, precious, and delicate.  I don't want to waste it living in the past or the future.  I'm very happy right now as I lay on my friend's floor writing this post and I'm so thankful for the people in my life that love and support me.  This was a reminder to practice being present and grateful because in an instant, unexpectedly, everything can change.  Who are you grateful for in your life?  Have you told them so today?

See Dick Run

Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago.  In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him.  If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy.  I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.

In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.

If I may make an analogy..

Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much.  If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished.  The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.

For a short time I was replete with infatuation.  You've been there...  food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person.  When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working.  When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous.  I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became.  That's what happened just now.  I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either.  I felt free.  Then this email came through.  It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit..  I'm the one who got hurt,)  and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.

I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings.  It's not even about him even if it feels like it is.  I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on.  I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him.  Whatev...  I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch!  (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter.  what? I didn't tell you about that?  I will later, just remind me)  Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened.  I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time.  I already feel better at the end of this post.  Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived.  I don't think I could live without it.

If I knew heartbreak was coming, I would've set out running.

I'd like to start by expressing my absolute gratitude to those of you who reached out to me either through commenting on my last post; emailing, texting or calling me; asking friends about me and how I'm doing or sending positive thoughts or prayers my way.  I can't tell you how connected and cared for that made me feel.  I have spent the last few weeks in a pretty chaotic place in my head and I feel like I've finally found a small nugget of clarity and the peace that comes with it.

First: the job.  The unknown is always intimidating, but once I actually got in there, it wasn't so scary.  Not only is the environment extremely laid back and the staff friendly, but also, three days in I was approached about training for management shifts to fill in when the current managers are occupied with other events.  I came from a place where competence and integrity were frequently overlooked and undervalued, "promotion" to management was the first step out the door with the highest turnover rate than any other position.  I was pleasantly surprised when my experience, competence and integrity were so quickly recognized and it was the sign I needed in order to remember that sometimes opportunities pop up when and where you least expect them.  The fact that I have a sustainable income now has eased some of the pressure that I was feeling to figure everything out now and the opportunity to get some experience that looks good on paper makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward at the same time.

Second: soap.  I was sort of on hold with the heavy production of soap because I didn't feel focused.  In a recent huddle with my branding manager and all around Sudstress advocate Erin and my new, awesome, printing account manager Kim, I regained some focus and instead of trying to be everything to everyone, I've decided to narrow my focus to a few key aspects.  Wedding favors & gifts and Whole Foods (if they'll still have me).  I will not be participating in festivals in 2010 (except for a couple possibilities at the holiday season) and I will not be taking on new wholesale accounts this year, though I will maintain those which already exist.  I will also focus exclusively on soap rather than trying to expand my product line with items that do not excite me.

Third: home.  I have always had difficulty creating and maintaining organization, in the home, in my head, in my papers...  I have a lot of ideas and want to initiate several projects and have a tendency to get scattered both in my thoughts and in my home.  I haven't moved in 4 years and as I'm sure you know, things accumulate.  I have begun spring cleaning, but with a much more aggressive attitude about clearing out old items that no longer serve me. (thanks Hoarders)  I am doing this not only for the obvious benefit, but also for the practice; focusing on small goals and putting one foot in front of the other to create a new way of living for myself.  I was reminded recently by a friend that I explained riding up steep hills on my bike; I focus on the ground directly in front of me rather than looking to the top of the hill, otherwise I get overwhelmed and won't make it.  When I stay focused on what's directly in front of me, keeping in mind that things will get easier eventually allows me not only to make it to the top, but the process doesn't seem as long or difficult.  Applying this method to less tangible goals is where I could use the practice.

Fourth: issues of the heart. Part of where this hurricane of mental debris started was with a romantic interest.  Recently, someone with whom I'd begun to get to know and spend time with a few years ago reintroduced himself into my life out of the blue.  The twist is that last year he moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles, which makes it a challenge to get excited about.  Being that I just ended a long distance relationship, the thought of developing feelings for someone all the way across the country again would just seem like torture, but somehow I feel compelled to keep talking to him and accepting invitations to visit.  He excites me and that's difficult to ignore.  The experience so far has triggered some old emotional patterns that have been cluttering up my life and I feel this is an opportunity to rid myself of them. 

In an attempt at brevity, I'll say that in my formative years, there were several occasions in which I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me when I was being kind, open, trusting and genuine.  A few of these incidences were extremely devastating to me and somewhere along the line, I began to create and maintain a certain emotional distance from people.  After life taught me that things can and do fall apart at a moment's notice when you least expect it, often times I think and behave from the end, where things have already fallen apart.  Now that I'm an adult, I am taking responsibility for these feelings and am consciously working to change those patterns in an attempt to lead a more fulfilling life.  There is a big learning curve, however, and that's where things can get a little messy and embarrassing.

Recently, as I started to get a little invested in this guy, fear overwhelmed me and I ended up trying to control something that simply cannot be controlled.  I tried to regulate and seal everything into a neat little box in an effort to prevent any undesirables from seeping in.  Inevitably, this is destructive behavior and when it didn't work, my inclination was to move to the other side and shut off, which is unfortunately all too easy and familiar.  I know that this is not a fulfilling way to live, but the alternative is new and scary.  I fell down and all I can do at this point is get up, dust myself off and try again; maybe with him, maybe not.  I would like to strike a balance between allowing for the possibility of emotional intimacy without letting fear take over and going all Tommy Boy on his ass.

I got into trouble by focusing on the outcome rather than the process.  I felt so scared and out of control and that led to some embarrassing, cliched behavior.  I could see myself acting like a lunatic but was temporarily compelled by fear and I could not stop.  To my surprise and delight, he still calls me, for now.  While I would like for it to work out, I have to remember that I am a swell lady and I will be fine either way.  

Thanks Neko Case for my post title.

searching for inspiration in quotation

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
- Buddha

"If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting."
- Katherine Hepburn    

This is the third post I've begun in the last three weeks; I hope to actually publish this one.  I've been having difficulty quieting my mind of worry and stress over my future and thus haven't been able to organize my thoughts into a coherent piece of writing.  Typically, writing helps me find clarity, but I suppose I've felt a bit more lost that usual.  For the last nine months, I've been living off meager earnings supplemented by my savings account.  In that time I worked on growing Sudstress and sent out numerous resumes, however I don't look so great on paper and need I mention the current job market?  So far I have managed to exhaust half of what it took me ten years to save.

After recently having to get my clutch replaced; my brakes, rotors and wheel bearings fixed; running up a $1,700 bill for an MRI of my knee which was neither diagnosed nor treated, I finally decided it was time to stop hemorrhaging my savings and I get a restaurant job.  While I'm excited at the prospect of a disposable income, which will be disposed directly into my saving's account, it's a bit of a blow to the ego and I feel like I've failed.  This is not where I pictured myself at 33.  In fact, I never had any picture of myself at 33 and therein lies the problem.  I don't want to be 43 facing the same dilemma.  I am aware of how fleeting time is and I'm feeling pressure to figure it all out and to figure it out now.

"You've got to jump off cliffs, all the time, and build your wings on the way down.
- Ray Bradbury
 
The last decade of having to work sometimes until 5 a.m.; a smoky environment; constant sober interaction with drunk people... it was starting to suck the life out of me, so I quit with no backup plan.  I took the 'leap and the net will appear' approach, trusting that everything would work out as it should, opportunities would arise and I would make a successful escape from the bar business.  Though it may feel like a step back, I acknowledge that it's not and that things could be much worse.  I am thankful that at least I have the option of having gainful employment and that there are plenty of people who are out of work and struggling.  The bottom line is that I want to do something more, I just don't know what that is.

 The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.
- Arnold Toynbee
 
Soapmaking has been a great passion of mine for the last five+ years and I have put so much of myself into Sudstress that I am in no way ready to say goodbye to it in this process of moving forward.  While I've managed to double my sales from 2008 to 2009, I'm nowhere near the numbers that could sustain me financially and I have to formulate a more effective and immediate plan.  For now, I will focus more on cultivating the customized wedding projects and less so on wholesale, as the latter requires tremendous inventory, time, space and volume with a much lower profit margin.

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."
- Nietzsche
 
Since about the age of 25, I've spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how I could integrate earning a living with fulfilling work.  In the last year, I've really been digging deep trying to solve this puzzle to no avail.  Once I find a direction, I approximate at least three years before I'm able to enter into employment into whatever field after the necessary schooling or training.  I've waited this long, I feel like I could live with three years.  What causes me to lie awake at night is the fact that I've been at it for the last 8 years and feel no closer to figuring it out than I did when I began.  Sometimes it feels like I'm floundering with no end in sight.

"But" is a fence over which few leap.
- German proverb
 
Lately I've been contemplating going back to school for a Master's Degree in Psychology.  I remember when I was a kid expressing enthusiasm for the field and mentioned going to college for it when some irresponsible adult told me how cliche that was and how impossible it would be to find a job with a Bachelor's in Psychology.  For some reason, fear took hold and instead of the notion that with further education, a career in psychology was not only possible, but quite likely, and I gave up on the idea.  Ironically, I ended up with a B.A. in Film.


To play it safe is not to play.
- Robert Altman

I've realized lately that many of my choices have been made in the same manor.  Instead of moving toward something that could make me happy or satisfied or accomplished, I move away from that fear of possible failure.  That possibility lies everywhere and I have let that hold me back from creating the life I want.  That is how I believe I ended up in a place that honestly could be worse, but is ultimately not truly satisfying.  A few weeks ago, it was in this sort of vein that I made up my mind to move to California, get out of my rut and start myself on a new path ripe with hope and possibility.  The problem is, there are no quick fixes in this life and the necessity at the source of my confusion is the very thing that is holding me back: money.  So I feel that I'm back to square one in a town that while full of friends and familiarity, no longer suits me.  I want to leap but am bound by the very circumstance that I intend to change.

I am adopting the following phrase as my words to live by in hopes of affecting the decisions I make as ones that will move me towards happiness, fulfillment and some sense of peace.  I need big change and it is a challenge to find patience when it feels as though time is of the essence and my efforts have been thwarted by my own doing.  Perhaps I should move to Nepal and meditate indefinitely..

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Casteneda

Do you have the slightest idea (No, I don't)

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

My boots are getting heavy. As the hour of Peter's arrival draws near, I find myself panicked and confused. For lack of a better expression, wtf? He is set to leave in six days on a cross-country adventure with a final destination of my apartment. I never understood why people made rash decisions in the 11th hour of major events. I do now. I'm scared and that doesn't aid in clear headed & clear hearted conclusions. I am human and I too suffer from the human dilemma in that I have paradoxical feelings about all major events and areas of my life, including this one.

Sometimes I wish I'd created this blog anonymously so that I could talk through my anxieties with brutal honesty with no worries of exposing the personal details of other people's lives in a public setting. As it stands now, I edit, omit and sometimes spin to see the positive in things even if only for presentation. That is not to say I am reticent or disingenuous in my writing, but it usually results in large gaps between posts.

I also have a monkey on my back tendency to get wrapped up in the big snowballs that are my possible futures, each built with the sharp rocks of what-ifs and packed hard for devastation upon impact. I know there is really no "right" or "wrong" choice, but I fear making the wrong one none the less. This is the source of much of my dilemma. I get wrapped up in the deadly snowball and I have to find a way to locate the snowflake that is knowing what is right for me. I plan to spend time in meditation for the next day or two and hope to find some clarity underneath the shadow of much mental chatter, fear and doubt.

oh hai!

Today I caught myself wondering how much of reality is internal, how much is external and how much control we have over creating one via the other. This poses too many metaphysical questions than I have the energy for today.  Instead, I will describe my day for you in lolcat reality (I also made another Lemon Charlotte Soap Cake, but there's no lolcat for that - er - lolkat ;)