See Dick Run

Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago.  In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him.  If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy.  I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.

In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.

If I may make an analogy..

Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much.  If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished.  The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.

For a short time I was replete with infatuation.  You've been there...  food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person.  When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working.  When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous.  I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became.  That's what happened just now.  I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either.  I felt free.  Then this email came through.  It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit..  I'm the one who got hurt,)  and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.

I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings.  It's not even about him even if it feels like it is.  I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on.  I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him.  Whatev...  I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch!  (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter.  what? I didn't tell you about that?  I will later, just remind me)  Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened.  I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time.  I already feel better at the end of this post.  Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived.  I don't think I could live without it.

Do you have the slightest idea (No, I don't)

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

My boots are getting heavy. As the hour of Peter's arrival draws near, I find myself panicked and confused. For lack of a better expression, wtf? He is set to leave in six days on a cross-country adventure with a final destination of my apartment. I never understood why people made rash decisions in the 11th hour of major events. I do now. I'm scared and that doesn't aid in clear headed & clear hearted conclusions. I am human and I too suffer from the human dilemma in that I have paradoxical feelings about all major events and areas of my life, including this one.

Sometimes I wish I'd created this blog anonymously so that I could talk through my anxieties with brutal honesty with no worries of exposing the personal details of other people's lives in a public setting. As it stands now, I edit, omit and sometimes spin to see the positive in things even if only for presentation. That is not to say I am reticent or disingenuous in my writing, but it usually results in large gaps between posts.

I also have a monkey on my back tendency to get wrapped up in the big snowballs that are my possible futures, each built with the sharp rocks of what-ifs and packed hard for devastation upon impact. I know there is really no "right" or "wrong" choice, but I fear making the wrong one none the less. This is the source of much of my dilemma. I get wrapped up in the deadly snowball and I have to find a way to locate the snowflake that is knowing what is right for me. I plan to spend time in meditation for the next day or two and hope to find some clarity underneath the shadow of much mental chatter, fear and doubt.

Too Sad To Wax Poetic.

Well, I just took Peter to the airport after his two week visit with me.  He flies to Fairbanks, AK tomorrow for the Yukon Quest, where we spent three amazing weeks together last year.  It's almost becoming old hat now, the pattern of emotion in this long distance relationship.  And much like the June trip, we ended up with but one cell phone picture of our entire visit.  

Once the plane tickets are bought, I relax.  A week before he gets here the countdown starts and I start getting really excited.  While he's here, I pretty much disappear.  A day or two before he leaves I start getting that anxious feeling in my stomach like late on a Sunday evening in high school and you still have homework to do.  As we drive to the airport, it seems like we're just driving somewhere like any other day except that I can't believe how quickly our time together has passed.  When it's time for him to go through security I have to hold back the tears and then quickly bolt out of the airport as soon as he gets in line at the risk of embarrassing myself.  I get home and for a few days everything is very quiet and a little sad before I get back into the swing of things.  Right now it's very quiet and I'm a little sad, so I'll save the rest for next time.

restoring momentum

Part of taking the amazing three week trip to Alaska meant some sacrifice in two very important areas of my life: exercise and soap.  Pretty much all winter I'd been running 4-5 miles a few times a week to the point that my abilities had surpassed those of my usual running partner.  I'm talking about Matt, a very athletic 26 year old who would go do six gap (pictured left) or take the podium in a mountain bike race earlier in the day and then come run the hilly 5 mile loop and still challenge me.  Granted, he hadn't been running much, but he could still make me look like I was standing still on a bike any day of the week.  I definitely took the chance to brag about "winning" on several occasions.  My favorite celebration was raising my fists to the sky and then making gun noises while jabbing my fingers into thin air.  If even for a couple of weeks before the trip, it felt really good to be a 31 year old female putting a hurtin' on a 26 year old dude while running.     

I had gone full force back to the running and biking immediately upon my return to Atlanta but it was short lived as I promptly got hit with the plague.  So, yesterday I went for my first run since recovering from the black death.  Matt and I went to Stone Mountain Park (pictured here at the top of the mountain during sunset last summer) and ran the entire 5 mile loop, not including warm up and cool down distance.  I'm a bit sore today, which is unfamiliar these days, but I feel better both physically and mentally.  Now that I know that I'm still capable of doing the distance, I can work back up to running it faster and faster.. not to mention that once my lungs are fully recovered from the epidemic that infested Atlanta, I'm sure it won't hurt as bad.  Also, as I build momentum, I'll be paying closer attention to my diet so that my body doesn't feel like lead.  It hurts so much more with poor nutritional choices. 

As for the sudsy life, I had to unlist all of my Etsy items while I was away since I could not ship anything within a reasonable amount of time.  I have not been selling thousands of items like some shops I've seen, but I'd pretty much been in one treasury or another consistently and even had one of my products featured in the everyday gift guide, compiled by the Etsy staff.  I was getting at least one sale per week which allowed me to re-list regularly and remain visible.  It's easy to get buried beneath all of the new listings that are constantly being posted.  This week, I've been in four treasuries and today I finally made my first post-Alaska sale.  Not a bad start considering it took me about five months to figure out how become somewhat visible in order to make some sales.  Also, I'm still a soap vendor for the distribution company I mentioned in my 'Greener Pastures' blog.  In fact, I've just sent them a disc with my product pictures for their website after a phone call from their marketing director.  I'm not sure what will come of this, but there is still plenty of potential.  Of course, with warmer weather comes festival season where I made the majority of my sales last year.  This year, I've been accepted into the Inman Park Festival - which is huge - as well as the Grant Park Festival where I grossed the most sales last year.  I also plan to set up at the Fool's Gold Mountain Bike Race & Festival hosted by Namrita & Eddie O'Dea.

My heartache has eased up a bit as well, or at least it has a different source.  After an emotional conversation somewhat initiated by the events in my previous blog, Peter and I decided that it's not impossible to imagine visiting one another every couple of months.  Time goes by so quickly as an adult and I'd rather not throw away such a strong connection with someone because of geography and the perceived obstacles it creates.  The way I see it, finding ways to remain connected to him and maybe/hopefully grow closer emotionally/geographically is exciting.  Forgive the corniness of my analogy, but it's like a puzzle.  The real adventure is in the process of putting it together, trying different pieces, the excitement of finding one that fits, all the while working towards becoming whole.  I don't mean whole in a ridiculous "you complete me" kind of way (besides the fact that the movie this line comes from makes me want to lose my lunch), I mean that taking a chance, ignoring fear and actually allowing myself to be open emotionally, no matter the outcome, can only result in me becoming more whole as a person.

but we're not, so we're not.

For the past several days, I have been sick with whatever plague everyone in Atlanta had and am slowly recovering.  Then yesterday, to aid in my recovery, I got a delivery:

Let's just put aside the fact that I love fruit..  I mean love fruit.  This thing must weigh in at 20 pounds with its cantaloupe, honeydew, strawberries, grapes, daisy shaped pineapples with cantaloupe centers, bananas dipped in both dark and white chocolate...  I had to lay it on its side in my refrigerator.  I can count the number of times I've received flowers from guys on one hand, but a perfect (and enormous) bouquet of fruit from someone that is so special to me (Peter): once.  

 (note how it dwarfs the teapot on the back burner)

Ryan Adams has a song called Fuck the Universe. It's not exactly my favorite melodically, but sometimes I share that sentiment. I remember in high school physics learning that energy can only be converted, not created or destroyed. So, by my logic, the same is true for karmic and emotional energy. It's how such intense joy can also end up being so painful. I'm not trying to look at my current emotional situation and its ensuing turmoil as the universe playing some bitter, ironic joke on me, I swear. I'm really thankful for the amazing series of magical moments that I shared with Peter in Alaska. Since our trip, I've tried to keep the lesson of not focusing on the outcome of any situation, but just enjoying it for what it is, in that very moment.  That is surprisingly simple, but difficult to do.  I have to sort of turn off a part of my brain, but it's the same part responsible for worry, anxiety, jealousy, etc., so everything works out better that way.

Last night at work, I showed pictures of my fruit bouquet to everyone, as I was and still am in awe of such a unique and befitting gift.  Everyone's response, after initially being impressed, was to probe me for information, looking for definition in my relationship with Peter, for which there is none. 

Upon relaying this information to Peter, I inadvertently started a "what are we" conversation which I've intentionally avoided for two reasons.  One: it directly violates the lesson I learned in Alaska, to not focus on an outcome that I can neither anticipate nor control.  Two: I already know and verbalizing it only sheds the harsh light of reality on the fact that we are just two people who like each other a lot, if I may be so bold, but live 3,000 miles away from each other.  Fortunately, beneath my emotionally female brain, still exists my previous tendency to think quite like a guy and for this reason, I understand it in its plain reality.  

Peter had a simple definition too; "..if we were boyfriend/girlfriend living in the same city, we'd be awesome.  but we're not, so we're not.." but somehow these words sent me reeling and I cried tears from a place deeper than I have in a long time.  I am not looking to spend so much of my time and energy missing someone, pining for them and counting the days until I can see them again, wondering if the outcome will be us, together, in the same city, but I can't help but carry around a bit of heartache for now.  

The thing is, as I've come more into my adulthood, something in me has changed and superficial flings with people don't induce that drug-like euphoria that kept me from the emotional pain underneath like they used to.  Part of me wishes that it still did, like a recovering addict who knows too much to go back.  There are a lot of quality people and I am surrounded by many, but connections like this one are few and far between and therein lies the beauty and the irony.