moving forward

I've had enough adrenaline and cortisol production for one week, so I'd like to move on and change the subject. Not sure if any of you have followed the story of me and Peter, but if you have, the last you heard, we had broken up. The thing is, we still were talking every day and not really doing any of the things you do in a break up to move past the person you've broken up with. It didn't feel like the solution we were looking for and neither of us were satisfied leaving it at that. It took me some time, but it actually was the step back I needed to take in order to move forward. That initial hormone laden, idealistic fairy tale, sparkles and fireworks period had worn off and I was left with the same great person, but in human form. This was a barrier I'd not yet been able to break through.

At the same time I was feeling this, he was about to move in with me from across the country and so I freaked. I think anyone with a history of retreating in the face of sustained intimacy would've had the same reaction. However, as we continued to talk and I continued to work on my fears and challenge myself, I turned a corner from the perspective of fear and flight to one of looking forward to an exciting challenge that brings with it amazing rewards that I have yet to experience in this lifetime and would certainly regret missing out on.

So, we decided to take another camping trip and see where that would lead us. Western North Carolina is beginning to become a tradition for us and it's one of my favorite places. Unfortunately we couldn't hike much because my knee was still swollen. Hence, the knee brace and mini-trampoline.






Aside from one major point of contention regarding bear safety during a period of 24 hours of rain, it was a great trip. Not only that, but the time we spent at home living daily life was completely different than last time when I was having my freak out. I didn't feel crowded or that my personal space was being invaded, but rather, I felt content and excited to come home to him after my daily errands. Coming home with him here was like a exhaling after a deep, satisfying breath of clean air.

After all of those days and nights struggling with whether I was ready for this kind of relationship, waffling between moving forward and moving on, wishing the decision could just be taken out of my hands, only after I'd found resolution, it was. Ironically, after I felt that indeed I was ready, still a bit scared, but able and willing to take on this new and exciting challenge, the fairy tale wore off for Peter and he was left with the same great person adorned in all of her humanity.

The dilemma was that Peter has dreamed of working in major motion pictures since he was a kid. He even went to school for it and worked in several aspects of production. For his whole life, the story in his head began in Los Angeles. All of the sudden, he was faced with the same feeling that I had not too long ago, that time was running out for him to get a start and if he made the "wrong" choice, that he'd always be looking over his shoulder wondering how things might have been. He was torn between me and L.A. with the idea that his career and a relationship with me were mutually exclusive.

I spent about a year (one week in real time) giving him space to figure out what the right decision was for him. I was in limbo. I let him know that I wanted to move forward with our relationship, but that I wanted even more for him to make a decision that he felt good about. It was important to me that he could feel as though he would be moving forward rather than like he was sacrificing something so important. If his decision meant that we really break up for good, I told him I'd be sad but I was sure that we would both be okay no matter what. The difficult part for me was that I couldn't start the difficult process of mourning the relationship, nor could I fantasize about our future together because both were a possibility and all I could do was wait. How long I could stay sane doing this was to be determined. Fortunately for me, after about a week and some conversations between him and his friends in L.A. who are in the business, he decided to commit to Atlanta for a year and re-evaluate then. Neither he nor I see ourselves in Atlanta permanently, but with my soap business growing locally, I feel I need to stay here for a while and cultivate it before transplanting it someplace else.

His thought was to be here permanently in time for Christmas, however my mom will be visiting for a couple of weeks and that would definitely be a full house. I haven't seen my mom in about three years, an amount of time that I feel is shameful and I'm thoroughly looking forward to spending time with her. So, it may be that Peter moves here after the first of the year. I am by no means suggesting that my mom's visit will foil my plans, please don't read it that way. My whole relationship with Peter has been a constant lesson in patience. You could say I have my yellow belt in patience. Besides the fact that time is flying by as my soap flies out the door during the holiday season, I enjoy the anticipation of exciting events and it's really not that far away. I'm looking forward to ringing in the new year with my mom and my man.

Thoughts colliding in my head like a horde of mexican jumping beans after a quadruple espresso.

The biggest event that transpired since my last post (besides my Graves Disease coming out of remission - but that's another post) was Peter's three week visit with me, here in Atlanta.  It passed like the blink of an eye and when our efforts to prolong the trip were financially thwarted (one way tickets are NOT half the cost of round trip) I begrudgingly took him to the airport this morning after a 5:30 a.m. wake up call.  We sat silently holding hands most of the way, 'The Greatest' providing quiet accompaniment on our drive in the predawn hour.  Having missed the cut off for baggage check, Peter missed his flight from Atlanta to San Francisco....  again.  With the extra 20 minutes this gave us until his next flight, we sat with coffee and shared a bagel as I remarked about how natural it felt just being next to him before he left me for the security check line.

Oh my sweet Carolina.

Making  my way back to the car, I felt fairly stable as opposed to the anguish I had been anticipating and I pressed the unlock button only once, glad not to be in tears.  As I sat in morning rush hour, Love Is Hell began to play.  Just three days prior, these songs had cascaded from the same speakers as they did now, but with Peter at the wheel and me beside him.  He mentioned how the music complemented the scenery as we drove south on the Blue Ridge Parkway through the trees whose leaves were golden beneath the sun.  This brought the first tears to my eyes.  Upon arriving home, the coffee he had bought for me still in hand, I walked into my apartment which no longer carried any sign of his presence.  Silently greeted by the pot and pan soaking from our romantic dinner just hours ago, the indentation in the sheets from where he had slept, the couch where we cuddled and watched movies; I was overwhelmed with sadness over how empty my home felt.  

You were holdin' me, little honey, kissing my soul.

The last time I saw Peter this past August, we agreed that our experience with each other seems exponentially better with each trip and this was no exception.  There comes a point for me in the early stages of relationships where the "flaws" that make a person human start to become visible beyond the veil of idealism through which I initially see a person.  I thought for sure the terrified heart underlying the commitment-phobe in me would latch onto these things as it has in the past eliciting a sigh of relief, comforted by my old patterns.  The patterns that create distance between me and another thus avoiding the risk of getting hurt.  I feel triumphant that I was aware of this notion and consequently able to break through that internal wall in order to finally get to really involve myself in experiencing another person intimately.  I am literally amazed that three weeks of constant contact left me wanting more.  This is the first time that I've gotten my space back and was not relieved to have it all to myself again.

...when you're living in the darkness.

Peter and I got to do so much that we missed doing back in June which wrapped up yesterday with Dialog in the Dark which lets you explore an hour without sight.  I always wonder which parts I'll remember more than others because they're always different than the moments I think I'll remember at the time.  While he was here, we went to the Starlight Drive In, The Georgia Aquarium, Thrashers game, Dialog in the Dark, Agave, Thumbs Up Diner, The Brickstore, Asheville, Mt. Mitchell, Mt. Pisgah, Blue Ridge Parkway, camped, cooked wonderful dinners and breakfasts, wandered through the farmer's markets of DeKalb and Asheville, went for several walks, toasted marshmallows in the mountains and a lot of other stuff I won't mention.