I don't mind, I don't mind

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Think for a moment about a time when something in your life ended and it was not your choice; be it a relationship, your twenties, or a job.  Your emotional reaction was probably anywhere from mild disappointment to complete devastation, possibly compounded by an unwillingness or inability to let go.  Think about how you felt months or even years later once you'd moved on.  Were you thankful that the door closed so that a new one, that would not have otherwise opened, could?  I had a moment while listening to this song recently.  I know it's cliche, but it's so true that nothing lasts forever; when one door closes, another one opens; there are no guarantees in life...  but in an instant, I got it.  I mean I really just got it, finally. 

You came to take us,

All things go, All things go

The last several weeks have been helpful in so far as "time heals all wounds".  More than that though,  I've been spending time with someone.  He has been a very positive and healing influence on me and he's someone who's seen real devastation and has made it to the other side of the mountain despite the dark valley from which he came.  He's someone I would not have been spending this kind of time with if I were still involved with my recent disappointment.  I'm enjoying every moment without thoughts of what will come of this.  I wish I could explain how different things are from how they were.  Sincere interaction and genuine connection are so nourishing, especially compared to the empty high I was on at the beginning of this year.

To recreate us,

All things grow, All things grow

When I'm really honest with myself, I admit that I knew that it wasn't right even though my ego reeeeeeally wanted it to be and took the lead.  The truth is, I never felt good enough around him.  I was constantly insecure physically, I had no career direction, and on top of everything, I'm pretty sure we wore the same shoe size.  So, when he was showering me with compliments and making suggestions about all the things we'd do and the future of our relationship, it was a big, sugary, dopamine-laden ego trip.  I didn't get my heart broken, I got my hopes and plans broken.  It was right that it didn't work out...  even if there is that little part of me that still wishes for a different story.

We had our mindset,

All things know, All things know

Now, since that moment, I often remember to enjoy it all.  I enjoy every moment of interaction with my new more than friend; every person that bumps into my cart at the farmer's market; the contrast of every cloud against a sky dark from an approaching storm; and as the anniversary of Neko's death is just two days away, every moment cuddling with his mom/purr-monster Lilly.

You had to find it,

All things go, All things go

This will not last forever either, but I will love each moment I have, as I have it.  I know that I must choose to let go emotionally when it is time because it is not up to me to hold onto anything or anyone whose time it is to go.  

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."  

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

 

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

 

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."

 

- quotes by Helen Keller

 

See Dick Run

Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago.  In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him.  If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy.  I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.

In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.

If I may make an analogy..

Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much.  If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished.  The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.

For a short time I was replete with infatuation.  You've been there...  food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person.  When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working.  When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous.  I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became.  That's what happened just now.  I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either.  I felt free.  Then this email came through.  It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit..  I'm the one who got hurt,)  and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.

I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings.  It's not even about him even if it feels like it is.  I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on.  I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him.  Whatev...  I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch!  (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter.  what? I didn't tell you about that?  I will later, just remind me)  Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened.  I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time.  I already feel better at the end of this post.  Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived.  I don't think I could live without it.

Hold On, Hold On.

Growing up in Rochester, NY ~ winters were loooooooooong.  I've been in Atlanta for just over ten years now, and winters are loooooooooooong.  I love autumn, I love the cozy feeling of December, but once January 1 comes around, I want out.  All I want to do is hibernate, I'm less productive, I'm cold.  By February, it's all I can do to hang on until the spring.  Honestly, I think I get a little depressed with all the lifeless tree branches and the numbness in my toes.  I've been thinking a lot about where I'll move next when my time in Atlanta is up.  One of the things that will carry much weight in this decision is how the external influences will either support or hinder the lifestyle that I want to lead; i.e. weather, transportation, etc.  I realized that this is so important to me because my mood & attitude are too easily swayed by outside influences.  This is also something I consider an important thing to change.

Lately I've noticed that the people I consider good friends, those I let past the wall that holds most people at bay, the people I truly admire and respect all believe in me whole heartedly.  They have no doubts about my talent or ability to make something happen for myself.  There is just one person who really matters that I have tried my hardest to convince.  One person that I constantly confront and question, who will not put their faith in me.  This person knows me well and sees the laziness, sees the imperfections, insecurities, doubt and desperation and can use my very humanity to break my spirit, kick me when I'm down and beat me into my own personal misery of convention.  It's me.  

I don't know how to consistently believe in myself.  It's easy to feel positive when I've just made a sale on etsy, but what about when I'm putting my shoes on to go to work to support myself in an industry that holds no future for me?  How do I believe that I'll work my way out doing something I love instead of just exchanging one exhausting, passionless job for another?  If I don't believe that I can, how can I?  The possibilities already seem small, but without the "I think I can, I think I can", I dare not measure just how small they are.

This is not to say that I'm giving up.  Somehow I continually forge ahead even with my head swimming in sludge.  To me, there is no alternative.  The strong suggestion was made to me that I look into putting a portfolio together as a product photographer.  This resonated with me and I think it's worth investing some time and energy to learn and improve.  There is that part of me who feels exasperated, like I'm constantly going back to the ol' drawing board.  I'm starting to feel too old to be looking for Plan B.  Eh...  at least I have tickets to Neko Case in April when the weather will make me happy again.

This one's for you ;jimiyo.

Sorta.  When I wear more eye makeup.

I always want to say ";jimmyo".