Indeed, not chopped liver..

I had my endocrinology appointment yesterday and I'd say things went pretty well.  I constantly forget how great my doctor is.  She practices western medicine, but was raised in India and some of that culture seems to still be ingrained in her.  Every time I expect to be met with resistance and pushed towards RAI or surgery.  Instead, I am listened to, heard, and my decisions regarding my treatment respected.  My doctor asks about other areas of my life like my work, boyfriends, stress levels, etc.  She doesn't shrug off the benefits of the meditation practice, nutrition, and physical activity to my well-being and potential remission.  I have to say I really appreciate my endocrinologist.

That being said, she talked to me about my liver enzyme levels and showed me that although a few of them were high, they weren't high enough to worry about just yet and wanted me do another set of labs, including a hepatitis screening profile (yikes!).  I explained that I had cleaned up my diet the best I knew how and added a mild liver cleansing tea (Every Day Detox by Traditional Medicinals) and that I had a more potent liver cleanser on the way from a licensed herbalist.  She told me it was probably best to hold off on the latter until I saw a liver specialist who could tell me exactly why my liver was functioning inadequately.  However, she didn't recommend that I go see one unless my levels increased further.     

She sent me off with instructions to take a lower dose of thyroid medication, which had been previously been increased due to poor communication between myself and the doctor filling in for my doctor, who had returned to India upon her father's passing.     

I went to the lab for a stick in the other arm and few hours later, Heather the nurse called to tell me that my liver enzymes had improved.  I heard the word normal in there, but I was a little excited so I can't remember if she said they were normal or almost normal.  Either way, I was ecstatic.  I sent out a text to my mom, brother and Irish lad - who must be psychic, because he called that very moment to see how my appointment went before realizing I'd sent out a text.  I go back in six weeks for more labs on my thyroid, but not on my liver. 

I plan to keep my diet as clean as possible so as not to put any undue strain on my liver.  I also intend to pursue acupuncture for supplemental treatment for my Graves Disease in the hopes that I will achieve remission sooner and for a longer duration so that I can prevent the toxic affect of my medication on my liver.  The hardest part about this disease is the perpetual cycle of stress and symptoms.  I have no doubt that stress triggered this latest episode and the disease itself causes me a massive amount of stress, worrying about the myriad physical manifestations of it, the cosmetic effect of it while still trying to digest the transition into my third decade of life; trying to maintain a perspective of increasing fitness and health rather than accept a decline in either.  This is where my meditation, exercise and acupuncture can help relieve my mind and body of these burdens so that my physical body can begin its return to the state of well-being it knows.  Doctors orders: "don't worry", and I mean not to.

somewhere.. anywhere is better than here.

Yesterday I was listening to This American Life, on the topic of road trips; in honor of that great American tradition for Memorial Day.  Ira Glass spoke of the cliche that we all buy into concerning the road trip, that it stands for hope.  The hope that stares back at us from the horizon, the hope that "somewhere, anywhere is better than here.  That somewhere on the road, I will turn into the person that I want to be.  I'll turn into the person that I believe I could be, that I am... with high hopes and no expectations for the future." 

The first story had to do with Pete the dishwasher, who I'd first heard of on NPR during one of my own road trips more than ten years ago.  Pete the dishwasher traveled from city to city, working as a dishwasher for a few weeks before moving on to his next destination.  There has been a part of me for some time now that has wanted to abandon everything and move on towards that hopeful horizon.  In a way, I feel that I'm already doing that with Integrative Nutrition, but it's not the immediate, drastic change I've been craving for many months.  Though I'm not married, nor do I have children, somehow life still seems to have gotten more complicated as I've gotten older. 

A few months ago, I headed into my third flare up of Graves Disease.  There have been a couple of days recently where I've had difficulty coping emotionally, which is also partly caused by the disease itself.  I have felt so powerless over my own body and mind.  It doesn't help that every moment of the day I'm reminded of my disease, whether it's a shaky hand pouring water, running out of breath during normal conversation, or feeling my heart pounding rapidly in my chest as I lay down to sleep.  I just want it to go away.  I believe that years of exposure to the ubiquitous endocrine disruptors has caused this, but I don't know how to solve it.  I wish I could just pick up and leave this all behind; travel back in time; move to France; win the lottery and pursue all the alternative healing I care to...  So far, I decided to just move to another state.  Unfortunately, until pre-existing condition laws change, it would be a hefty financial maneuver to move before 2014.

My first choice to implement change in my life is to move to another part of the country, however, that is no longer an option for me at the moment.  Now that I've recovered from the cancellation of my move to California, I've gone back to the drawing board.  I really loved California and feel the lure of the west coast.  On the other hand, my brother and sister-in-law live in Boulder and living there or in Denver would be a tremendous source of support.  I don't know that I could live with snow again, though.

Throughout history, people have survived undesirable circumstance through the freedom they find within themselves.  So what are some ways that I can feel free, like I'm moving on and moving forward without literally moving?  F**k if I know!    

...kidding.  I have a few ideas.

• meditation - even if I get to quiet my mind for only ten minutes a day, let go of all those worries and responsibilities for just ten minutes, I believe I'll feel less burdened and I know it can't do anything but help as far as my Graves Disease goes.  Perhaps I'll realize how lucky I am that it's as mild and minimally symptomatic as it is compared to what it could be.
• diet - I am not sure whether I've been trying to self-medicate or because my metabolism is out of whack right now, my appetite has been out of control.  Chemically, my body wants to hoard energy in the form of calories since it's running on high.  If I can be better prepared when I am all of the sudden ravenous just 3 or 4 hours after my last meal, then I can make better choices and keep my blood sugar and thus my mood more stable.
• decoration - I need to pare down my belongings, get rid of old things, habits, thoughts, attachments that are weighing me down.  Simplifying my surroundings might help to simplify my life in preparation to move it elsewhere.  Also, perhaps it's time to redecorate.  I recently changed jobs and am having lemon troubles, again, but as soon as I'm in the black, I'm headed out for some NO-VOC paint.

I'll let you know how it works out.  In the meantime, what are some of the tools you use to feel free when you feel trapped in your own life?  Gratitude?  Prayer?  Surrender?  What are examples of ways you use them?  How do you find your way there?

Please know that anyone can comment on this blog and I invite you to participate to make this a dialogue.  I'm interested in others' experience and ideas.

This American Life episode:  Road Trip