No vacancy

About a month ago, on my way to work, I noticed a tent set up underneath a tree near the highway.  Every time I've driven by since then, I steal a glance to take in whatever I can.  Sometimes I see one person, sometimes two, talking or just sitting.  Sometimes I see their clothes scattered about or the tent still set up.  Then, about a week ago, there was only grass beneath that tree.  There was no tent; no socks; no tan, leathery, skinny, grey bearded man attempting to stay cool beneath its branches...  until today.  I drove by, he was there, and for the first time, I got a clear view of his face.  I saw a deep sadness, but I don't know if I projected what I saw onto his blank face because of the context in which I saw him.  Maybe he wasn't sad, maybe he was just bored, maybe he was thinking or feeling the breeze on his face, or maybe life, love, or drugs had left him emotionally eviscerated.

I want to pull over and find out.  I want to listen to his experience or give him a twenty dollar bill or both.  I fear that instead of the romanticized version of who he is and the bad run of luck that brought him there, I'm afraid it's more likely that I'd find a drug addict or mentally ill man.  In my mind, he's just a good person dealt a bad hand, but it's probably more realistic to think that he chose meth over shelter.  I do try to look upon him with compassion but also with a mind for my personal safety, so I don't stop, not that he'd be willing to share his story with me anyway.  I tend to think in terms of worst case scenerio for myself and that if I ever run out of money, make one bad choice, that could be me; that I'm just as vulnerable to being knocked down without a hand to help me back up.  That's when I have to be conscious to remember that I am very lucky to have many people who care about me, that would give me a place to sleep, a warm meal or whatever support they could to help me get back up.

This past Monday, I was surprised by the man I've been dating, with tickets to see Ray LaMontagne and David Gray.  Both of us reeeeeeally wanted to see Ray LaMontagne, whom I've never seen live.  On our way there, we stopped at Whole Foods to pick up something to eat when I had a prolonged episode of arrhythmia, an unfortunate side effect of overactive thyroid, and had to sit down and try to relax.  It scared me so much that each time I felt my heart flutter in my chest, I thought "I don't want to die today".  Even though that was far from a near death experience, it really drove home the understanding that life is short, precious, and delicate.  I don't want to waste it living in the past or the future.  I'm very happy right now as I lay on my friend's floor writing this post and I'm so thankful for the people in my life that love and support me.  This was a reminder to practice being present and grateful because in an instant, unexpectedly, everything can change.  Who are you grateful for in your life?  Have you told them so today?

Cup O' Suck (Fun with Needles, Part II)

Yesterday was one of the more interesting days I've had in a while.  I had my second acupuncture appointment with Dr. Li as complementary treatment for my Graves Disease.  My resolve was strengthened this week when something I read reminded me of why I'm pursuing alternative treatment and lifestyle to improve my health  They wrote that the thyroid is the victim of this disease, not the culprit.  If you destroy or remove this vital organ from the body, the disease will find another organ to attack and it's often the eyes and rarely, the skin.  I know this is true and I realize that the affects of this disease would be compounded by destroying my thyroid.  Dr. Li says that most of her Graves patients that come to her have the bulging eyes and seemed surprised that I did not have them.  I would be willing to bet that 99% of those patients have had Radioactive Iodine to kill their thyroid.

In the week since my last appointment, I've felt less fatigued and foggy than I had been feeling for the couple of weeks before my first treatment, and looked forward to my second treatment.  I've been drinking lemon or lime water first thing in the "morning" to help give my liver and kidneys a head start each day upon the recommendation of both Dr. Li and Jennifer, my health coach through my Integrative Nutrition program.  Such a simple thing and it took me until now to discover this!

I arrived for my appointment and sat again with Dr. Li.  She felt my pulse, looked at my tongue and then brought me into the room.  This time she started with five minutes of cupping.  I know what it sounds like, but litigation will not be necessary.  Cupping is actually a method in which suction is created in certain areas in order to stimulate energy flow along certain acupuncture points or meridians.  In the link above, you can see pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow and a Chinese olympic swimmer with cupping marks.  I thought mine looked pretty cool & I showed them to everyone yesterday.  I even took pictures of my own back, which is not as easy as you might think.. even with a mirror (as evidenced by the first photo).  Here's what mine look like:

I have to say this was a painless procedure.  She left the glass bulbs on me for about five minutes and then said:

     "you have looooootttt of toxin.  this help pull toxin out of body.  drink lot of water today."

Then she started with the needles.  Oh boy.  There were a couple of tricksters in this batch..  She began with the bottoms of my feet again and I'm fairly sure she went deeper this time because she asked me to cough each time she drove the needle into my foot.  Again, the rest were relatively painless except for the inside of the back of my knee which almost tickled more than it hurt and then the very bottom of my lower back, maybe the top of my hip bone/gluteal muscle, was very uncomfortable and difficult to describe.  It mostly hurt when she put it in and then I got a couple of shooting sensations through the half hour I lay there, mostly when I breathed too deep that my body moved.  She said this was also an adrenal point.

As I lay there, face down with about 30 needles in my body, I once again began meditation.  I had a big ol' coffee on my way there, so I found that I had to talk myself out of a little anxiety that started to creep in, but this was not difficult.  As I relaxed, I noticed that I started to expect something awesome to happen like last time with the hands.  It didn't take long for me to forget that and just breathe and become present.  I couldn't breathe as deeply this time, as I was on my stomach and when I took a very deep breath, my back expanded and the needle in my adrenal point would send a sharp reminder that it was a part of me at this moment.

My breathing became shallower and I felt myself in that delicious space beneath the thin veil of unconscious at varying depths for maybe fifteen minutes.  I became more awake when my back became extremely warm, as though surging with energy.  The heat extended up to my head and I felt I would sweat a few times even though my toes were chilled from the air conditioning.  Granted, there was a very dim heat lamp above my back, but it was the same one that was above my abdomen last time and I did not feel this kind of extreme heat.  It came on suddenly and intensely and lasted for about ten minutes.  I could focus on nothing but my back (just as I could focus on nothing but my hands last week) until I heard someone's foot drag behind me and I thought perhaps it was time to take the needles out, even though did not hear the door open.  After a few minutes and the sound of feet shuffling a few more times behind me, I realized that no one was in the room with me.  I almost said "hello" but I knew no one would answer back.  I won't deny that a small amount of fear began to well up, but then the room fell empty and other noises encompassed the space until Dr. Li came in to remove the needles.

After my session with Dr. Li, I met up with my new-ish friend Larkin, but that's a story for another day.  Three hours of awesome conversation later and tomorrow I'm going to go to her Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner who does this hand analysis thing that's been passed down for generations that only about ten people in the world do.  I'm a little fearful about what he's going to tell me regarding my health, but awareness can only contribute to healing, while denial and fear are only destructive.

Love and gratitude to you all for coming with me on my quest for health.  I will post pictures soon of all of the wedding favors I've been working on this month.

Poking fun (fun with needles, part I)

In my quest to heal myself of hyperthyroidism with the goal of lasting remission from Graves Disease, I had my first appointment at the acupuncturist today.  It was a positive experience.  Upon meeting with Dr. Lily Li, she spent a few minutes to sit with me and discuss my ailments and immediately suggested that stress has played a key role keeping me in dis-ease; a diagnosis I tend to agree with.  She explained the concept of a few key body meridians and showed me that many of them converge at my throat, where my thyroid is, kind of like the spaghetti junction of my body and the stress has caused two lanes to be shut down on a rainy Friday rush hour, rendering my Qi stuck in a traffic jam.  Her plan, she explained, is to detoxify my body, starting this week with the front; next week the back, and then decide where to go from there based on my response.

I was instructed to partially disrobe and lay on the table, face up.  When Dr. Li came in, I thought I would have some warning before being pricked, but she wasted no time.  A moment later, I felt a quick stab in the bottom of my foot and before I even had time to digest the sensation, she was in full swing, she was rapid-fire explaining which organ was being affected by each needle she expertly drove into my acupuncture points.  Though I had about 22 needles penetrating my skin, I was only conscious of four of them.  Not surprisingly, two were in the bottoms of my feet (adrenal system), one in the top of my left ear and the other in my left wrist, below my thumb.  I tend to have most of my physical ailments on the left side of my body, so when she hooked up the electric pulse machine, she set the left side higher than the right.  In contrast with the myriad physical traumas I've experienced in my life, this was relatively painless. 

She then left me for 45 minutes to absorb or whatever happens during this process.  I hadn't done my not-quite-daily meditation yet, so this was prime time to practice.  I lay there with my eyes closed listening to the pulsing of the electricity being directed through the needles in my abdomen and started taking deep breaths.  During this time, some subtle but amazing things happened.  I should preface this by saying that lately, during the every-other-daily meditation I've been practicing, I have yet to find a space where I can allow my mind to stop its constant racing and worrying and thinking.  I suppose that's why it's called meditation practice.  I resist the urge to just get up and do the stuff I can't stop thinking about.  As I lay there on the table with 22 needles sticking out of me; hooked up to electric stimulation; it was easy to focus on my breath and just be.  My mind became quiet and I was finally able to relax.

As I lay there, I had a very interesting physical sensation that gave me insight analogous to how I might manifest positive change in my life through my thoughts.  My hands were facing up, thumb and forefinger touching, and after a while, I felt like my fingers were pulling back; my hands opening up with my fingers still bent.  The closest thing I can compare this feeling to is this thing that my friends and I used to do as children.  We would take turns standing in a doorway with our arms pressed against each side for about a minute.  Then, we would release them and move away from the door frame and our arms would effortlessly float upwards.  This is exactly what my fingers felt like they were doing.  Each time I'd move my thumb and forefinger slightly to confirm this and was surprised to find that they were still touching.  This cycle repeated several times until eventually the reverse was true.  I was surprised to find that my fingers had moved away from my palms and the feeling became a reality.  I felt as though I'd been given a gift laying beneath the fluorescent lights; a demonstration of the old 'fake it till you make it' philosophy.  If I keep thinking/feeling/believing something, eventually it will manifest. 

 In my thinking, I've encountered some resistance in feeling and believing things for myself; one, because the things don't already exist and two, because I think I struggle with weather or not I believe I am capable or deserving of these things.  I may not have completely mastered the ability of harnessing my thoughts, but I am doing the work and making progress.  A large part of my long time fascination with psychology and more recently with nutrition has in large part to do with healing myself in mind, body, and spirit.  I think it's an important foundation for my future in working with others, coaching them to do the same. 

Indeed, not chopped liver..

I had my endocrinology appointment yesterday and I'd say things went pretty well.  I constantly forget how great my doctor is.  She practices western medicine, but was raised in India and some of that culture seems to still be ingrained in her.  Every time I expect to be met with resistance and pushed towards RAI or surgery.  Instead, I am listened to, heard, and my decisions regarding my treatment respected.  My doctor asks about other areas of my life like my work, boyfriends, stress levels, etc.  She doesn't shrug off the benefits of the meditation practice, nutrition, and physical activity to my well-being and potential remission.  I have to say I really appreciate my endocrinologist.

That being said, she talked to me about my liver enzyme levels and showed me that although a few of them were high, they weren't high enough to worry about just yet and wanted me do another set of labs, including a hepatitis screening profile (yikes!).  I explained that I had cleaned up my diet the best I knew how and added a mild liver cleansing tea (Every Day Detox by Traditional Medicinals) and that I had a more potent liver cleanser on the way from a licensed herbalist.  She told me it was probably best to hold off on the latter until I saw a liver specialist who could tell me exactly why my liver was functioning inadequately.  However, she didn't recommend that I go see one unless my levels increased further.     

She sent me off with instructions to take a lower dose of thyroid medication, which had been previously been increased due to poor communication between myself and the doctor filling in for my doctor, who had returned to India upon her father's passing.     

I went to the lab for a stick in the other arm and few hours later, Heather the nurse called to tell me that my liver enzymes had improved.  I heard the word normal in there, but I was a little excited so I can't remember if she said they were normal or almost normal.  Either way, I was ecstatic.  I sent out a text to my mom, brother and Irish lad - who must be psychic, because he called that very moment to see how my appointment went before realizing I'd sent out a text.  I go back in six weeks for more labs on my thyroid, but not on my liver. 

I plan to keep my diet as clean as possible so as not to put any undue strain on my liver.  I also intend to pursue acupuncture for supplemental treatment for my Graves Disease in the hopes that I will achieve remission sooner and for a longer duration so that I can prevent the toxic affect of my medication on my liver.  The hardest part about this disease is the perpetual cycle of stress and symptoms.  I have no doubt that stress triggered this latest episode and the disease itself causes me a massive amount of stress, worrying about the myriad physical manifestations of it, the cosmetic effect of it while still trying to digest the transition into my third decade of life; trying to maintain a perspective of increasing fitness and health rather than accept a decline in either.  This is where my meditation, exercise and acupuncture can help relieve my mind and body of these burdens so that my physical body can begin its return to the state of well-being it knows.  Doctors orders: "don't worry", and I mean not to.

Graves concerns..

I had intended for my next post to be all about my trip to New York City, where I met up with old friends and attended a live session for my Integrative Nutrition program.  As life works, I ran into some snafus.  First, I was making less money at the new job that I left my last job for, with the sole purpose of making enough money to pay my bills and to pay off some debt.  Second, I hated that job.  Both of these things contributed to more stress, so I put the word out to the peeps I've known over the years and got me a sparkling new bartending job, again.  Unfortunately I had to burn a bridge to get from the last one to this one, but I had to choose my needs over those of the job that sucked.

So I finally feel like I've got this little corner of my life calmed down so my financial state of affairs can start to improve when all of the sudden, something in the other corner crashes.  As it turns out, one of the side effects of Methimazole, the thyroid suppressing medication I'm on, is that it can be toxic to the liver.  My thyroid levels are starting to come down closer to normal ranges due to the medication, which is good.  The bad news, which I received yesterday, is that my liver enzymes are above normal indicating improper functioning of that other vital organ.  The good news is that this will likely resolve itself if I get off of Methimazole.  The bad news is, I can't go left untreated and the very pill that has previously enabled me to achieve remission rather than kill or remove an organ necessary for survival is poisoning my liver.

There is another medication PTU, but it is more likely to contribute to liver disease than the one I'm on now.  Beyond that, the only other options offered to me are surgical removal or radioactive iodine, both of which will render me unable to ever produce the essential thyroid hormone ever again and I would have to supplement with synthetic hormone, about which I have grave concerns.  Trying to replicate the function of a vital organ has its own set of problems.  A pill is never the quick cure people tend to think it is.  I'd rather work with my body than rely on conventional medicine for the rest of my life.

My mom has consulted with a licensed herbalist and as I type, some liver cleansing teas and tinctures are on their way to my doorstep.  I had planned to consult an acupuncturist as soon as I could afford it, but that's taken longer than I had anticipated and ...   please, please, oh please don't make me kill my thyroid!

This is a scary time for me.  I don't have a large support network, though I have a pretty strong one, but it's not local.  My mom and brother are always there for me and can help me with things I don't have the energy or resources for.  My Irish friend has been a tremendous shoulder to lean on.   He's going to be away for a marathon and then to Dublin for a couple of weeks in July and then I may feel a little stranded, as he's been really supportive and comforting to me since the moment I met him.  My meditation practice adds a bit of peace to this whole mess, but it's been tearful here and there. 

Even with some emotional support, I'm feeling pretty alone and afraid.  This country doesn't practice medication before murder of the thyroid, so I don't feel as though I have an ally in the medical community that I've had to rely on.  The one thing that I've found some resolve in is that now I know why the circles under my eyes are so bad, despite the kind words of my friends to the contrary, I see them.  It's because my liver is being poisoned and it shows.  As my brother said to me yesterday, people face adversity all of the time and come through it with flying colors.  I intend to be one of those people.  Being strong and brave does not mean to live in the absence of fear, but despite it.

I have an appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow morning, they will test my liver again at that time and I can ask questions.  The liver cleansing tea prepared by a licensed herbalist will arrive on Tuesday.  Books by Andrea Beaman (also an IIN graduate), Joel Fuhrman (who spoke at my weekend of Integrative Nutrition in NYC), and Daniel Amen are on their way.  I know the body has a tremendous ability to heal itself where pills meant to heal do damage elsewhere in the body.  But I know this takes time and I hope it's not too late for me.  I already eat pretty well, but I have a long history of processed foods in my past.  As of yesterday, I'm doing all I can to keep from adding undue stress to my liver by eliminating alcohol, excess sugar and salt, all processed foods, caffeine, excess fat etc. and am eating as clean a diet as possible with simple whole grains, whole fruits and whole vegetables, most of which in the Cruciferae family - Kale being my latest addition.  I'm not sure what a mere two days of this can do for the liver, but you can rest assured that it'll end up on this blog. 

Here are some lovely pictures from my time in NYC.  I'll write about what I learned from Deepak Chopra and Geneen Roth soon.

somewhere.. anywhere is better than here.

Yesterday I was listening to This American Life, on the topic of road trips; in honor of that great American tradition for Memorial Day.  Ira Glass spoke of the cliche that we all buy into concerning the road trip, that it stands for hope.  The hope that stares back at us from the horizon, the hope that "somewhere, anywhere is better than here.  That somewhere on the road, I will turn into the person that I want to be.  I'll turn into the person that I believe I could be, that I am... with high hopes and no expectations for the future." 

The first story had to do with Pete the dishwasher, who I'd first heard of on NPR during one of my own road trips more than ten years ago.  Pete the dishwasher traveled from city to city, working as a dishwasher for a few weeks before moving on to his next destination.  There has been a part of me for some time now that has wanted to abandon everything and move on towards that hopeful horizon.  In a way, I feel that I'm already doing that with Integrative Nutrition, but it's not the immediate, drastic change I've been craving for many months.  Though I'm not married, nor do I have children, somehow life still seems to have gotten more complicated as I've gotten older. 

A few months ago, I headed into my third flare up of Graves Disease.  There have been a couple of days recently where I've had difficulty coping emotionally, which is also partly caused by the disease itself.  I have felt so powerless over my own body and mind.  It doesn't help that every moment of the day I'm reminded of my disease, whether it's a shaky hand pouring water, running out of breath during normal conversation, or feeling my heart pounding rapidly in my chest as I lay down to sleep.  I just want it to go away.  I believe that years of exposure to the ubiquitous endocrine disruptors has caused this, but I don't know how to solve it.  I wish I could just pick up and leave this all behind; travel back in time; move to France; win the lottery and pursue all the alternative healing I care to...  So far, I decided to just move to another state.  Unfortunately, until pre-existing condition laws change, it would be a hefty financial maneuver to move before 2014.

My first choice to implement change in my life is to move to another part of the country, however, that is no longer an option for me at the moment.  Now that I've recovered from the cancellation of my move to California, I've gone back to the drawing board.  I really loved California and feel the lure of the west coast.  On the other hand, my brother and sister-in-law live in Boulder and living there or in Denver would be a tremendous source of support.  I don't know that I could live with snow again, though.

Throughout history, people have survived undesirable circumstance through the freedom they find within themselves.  So what are some ways that I can feel free, like I'm moving on and moving forward without literally moving?  F**k if I know!    

...kidding.  I have a few ideas.

• meditation - even if I get to quiet my mind for only ten minutes a day, let go of all those worries and responsibilities for just ten minutes, I believe I'll feel less burdened and I know it can't do anything but help as far as my Graves Disease goes.  Perhaps I'll realize how lucky I am that it's as mild and minimally symptomatic as it is compared to what it could be.
• diet - I am not sure whether I've been trying to self-medicate or because my metabolism is out of whack right now, my appetite has been out of control.  Chemically, my body wants to hoard energy in the form of calories since it's running on high.  If I can be better prepared when I am all of the sudden ravenous just 3 or 4 hours after my last meal, then I can make better choices and keep my blood sugar and thus my mood more stable.
• decoration - I need to pare down my belongings, get rid of old things, habits, thoughts, attachments that are weighing me down.  Simplifying my surroundings might help to simplify my life in preparation to move it elsewhere.  Also, perhaps it's time to redecorate.  I recently changed jobs and am having lemon troubles, again, but as soon as I'm in the black, I'm headed out for some NO-VOC paint.

I'll let you know how it works out.  In the meantime, what are some of the tools you use to feel free when you feel trapped in your own life?  Gratitude?  Prayer?  Surrender?  What are examples of ways you use them?  How do you find your way there?

Please know that anyone can comment on this blog and I invite you to participate to make this a dialogue.  I'm interested in others' experience and ideas.

This American Life episode:  Road Trip

I don't mind, I don't mind

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Think for a moment about a time when something in your life ended and it was not your choice; be it a relationship, your twenties, or a job.  Your emotional reaction was probably anywhere from mild disappointment to complete devastation, possibly compounded by an unwillingness or inability to let go.  Think about how you felt months or even years later once you'd moved on.  Were you thankful that the door closed so that a new one, that would not have otherwise opened, could?  I had a moment while listening to this song recently.  I know it's cliche, but it's so true that nothing lasts forever; when one door closes, another one opens; there are no guarantees in life...  but in an instant, I got it.  I mean I really just got it, finally. 

You came to take us,

All things go, All things go

The last several weeks have been helpful in so far as "time heals all wounds".  More than that though,  I've been spending time with someone.  He has been a very positive and healing influence on me and he's someone who's seen real devastation and has made it to the other side of the mountain despite the dark valley from which he came.  He's someone I would not have been spending this kind of time with if I were still involved with my recent disappointment.  I'm enjoying every moment without thoughts of what will come of this.  I wish I could explain how different things are from how they were.  Sincere interaction and genuine connection are so nourishing, especially compared to the empty high I was on at the beginning of this year.

To recreate us,

All things grow, All things grow

When I'm really honest with myself, I admit that I knew that it wasn't right even though my ego reeeeeeally wanted it to be and took the lead.  The truth is, I never felt good enough around him.  I was constantly insecure physically, I had no career direction, and on top of everything, I'm pretty sure we wore the same shoe size.  So, when he was showering me with compliments and making suggestions about all the things we'd do and the future of our relationship, it was a big, sugary, dopamine-laden ego trip.  I didn't get my heart broken, I got my hopes and plans broken.  It was right that it didn't work out...  even if there is that little part of me that still wishes for a different story.

We had our mindset,

All things know, All things know

Now, since that moment, I often remember to enjoy it all.  I enjoy every moment of interaction with my new more than friend; every person that bumps into my cart at the farmer's market; the contrast of every cloud against a sky dark from an approaching storm; and as the anniversary of Neko's death is just two days away, every moment cuddling with his mom/purr-monster Lilly.

You had to find it,

All things go, All things go

This will not last forever either, but I will love each moment I have, as I have it.  I know that I must choose to let go emotionally when it is time because it is not up to me to hold onto anything or anyone whose time it is to go.  

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."  

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

 

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

 

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."

 

- quotes by Helen Keller

 

See Dick Run

Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago.  In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him.  If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy.  I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.

In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.

If I may make an analogy..

Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much.  If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished.  The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.

For a short time I was replete with infatuation.  You've been there...  food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person.  When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working.  When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous.  I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became.  That's what happened just now.  I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either.  I felt free.  Then this email came through.  It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit..  I'm the one who got hurt,)  and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.

I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings.  It's not even about him even if it feels like it is.  I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on.  I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him.  Whatev...  I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch!  (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter.  what? I didn't tell you about that?  I will later, just remind me)  Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened.  I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time.  I already feel better at the end of this post.  Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived.  I don't think I could live without it.

“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.” - Ghandi

After several weeks slumped in deep dejection, I am starting to feel and act like myself again.  After sharing with some new people and gaining some new perspectives, I am starting to think that everyone has one person who shows up at such a time in their life and makes them absolutely crazy and act completely out of character.  I'm glad that mine has come and gone relatively quickly and now I can get on with my life.

Last week I enrolled in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and am halfway through my warm up classes to prepare for the official start on May 3.  This first step has me feeling very excited and hopeful for the future of my work life.  This program feels like it was developed specifically for me and I wish I could express how amazing it feels to have discovered a potential way to integrate my passion for whole and preventative health with a career.  I know that this is an important landmark for me and am more passionate and enthusiastic about my future than I can ever remember being.

Not only can I feel this change in my attitude, but my behavior is indicative of a return to my higher self.  I have been taking care of my body again.  Granted, I was running while in my gloom, but it was purely to keep me from going over the proverbial edge.  I have returned to preparing meals for myself, going to bed at a somewhat decent hour, washing my face before bed...  I have begun to wake up renewed with gratitude instead of despair.  I have been working hard to surround myself with reminders to focus on these things and the life I intend to create rather than the things that are an illusion of the past or "lacking" in the present and I believe this is a big part of the return to the joyful person I knew that I was.  Thank you for not abandoning me in my time of crisis and negativity.  I did not intend to spread my misery, but I feel as though I did to a degree. 

I hope that many of you will follow me on my journey to becoming a Health Counselor.  Right now, this blog has become more about me than it has about soap and I don't know whether I want to compartmentalize and start a new blog or keep it all one for now.  I am contemplating starting a new blog on wordpress for my nutrition and health learnings and insights.  I encourage you to please share your thoughts and opinions on what you would prefer as visitors to this blog. 


 

I didn't see it coming, but oh I'm watching it go

I'm climbing up the steep canyon road in Topanga to Dick's* house with a couple of friends when we look up and see a twister wavering atop the mountain, looking for a good place to land.  Not sure what to do or where to go on the open mountain side, we just observe in awe.  The tornado finally touches down right in the middle of the recreation center at the Top of Topanga community, which looks to me like a smaller version of the Getty Museum.  Once it tears through the building and into the mountain, we see the onslaught of rocks and debris flying through the sky directly toward us.  With no shelter to be had, we all duck and cover and let fate decide whether we live or die.  I peek a couple of times and see some large, jagged boulders flying through the air and brace myself for the crushing blow.  I get pelted a few times in the back by smaller rocks but not hard enough to break any bones.

Once the boulder shower stops, we all look around in amazement that none of us are seriously injured.  I take out my phone and call Dick*, who does not know that I am in Topanga, but who lives just a mile or two away from where I am standing.  When he answers the phone, he sounds seriously irritated and just starts talking before I can say a word.

"Listen, Kat, this is exasperating.  I said I was willing to be your friend, but you're wearing me out.  I can't have contact with you every day.  I've always been into you, I've been into you since I first met you, but now you've ruined it and I just can't..."

As he speaks, I feel the knife twisting.  I don't even hear the rest of what he is saying as reality sinks in.  I have just survived something incredible and now I feel like I'm dying.  Then I wake up.

In the past few posts, I've censored myself a bit for the sake of appearing more balanced than I was feeling and just out of a general feeling of confusion.  I won't do that now.  This dream is a culmination of my experiences for the last couple of months.  Something about my interaction with Dick* brought out some really dark parts of me that are of no use but for destruction. 

It happened about three years ago when I ran into Dick* at a summer festival in town.  We had been acquaintances and when we bumped into each other, he told me about his recent break up and that's about all I remember.  After that he started showing up in my life and somehow we just started hanging out.  I saw the red flags back then when all he did was talk about his ex and the breakup.  I was at his house several times watching movies, he came over to my place and sat all the way across the room, we watched the sunset and the fireworks from above at stone mountain and never once did he make a move on me, which I found frustrating, but understood. 

I was a good listener and maybe a little too nice and compassionate for my own good.  I liked being around him, so I ignored the red flags and began carrying a dim torch for him.  Then one day I got the phone call.  Dick* told me he was getting back together with his ex and that we couldn't spend time together anymore.  While I understood and appreciated his forthrightness, I was still let down and kinda pissed.  It was around that time that Easy Tiger had come out.  Ryan Adams always has lyrics relative to my experience; "..so if I'm being honest with you and you think that I'm being cruel, at least you didn't get a rip off..."  and that was true.  At least he was straightforward with me, which allowed me to get over it pretty quickly and easily.

Then several months ago I got a random facebook message from Dick* out of the blue, just saying hi and sort of apologizing for flaking on me way back when and asking to be friends again.  He had since moved to Los Angeles.  I had completely forgotten being upset over him in the first place and was happy to hear from him.  Then a couple of months ago, he happened to be visiting Atlanta and we spent a little time together that turned out to be quite intense.  There was a lot of "I wonder what could've been if I'd made a different choice" and even an "I would fall in love with you".  You tell me what girl doesn't want to hear someone say that?  Then he flew back to LA.

For a solid month, we skyped every night for hours, the days were filled with hundreds of texts, most of them telling me how lovely I am, how I have his favorite face, how he thinks I'm the prettiest girl ever, how that night was the night he knew he could fall in love with me..  Again, I ask you, what girl doesn't want to hear that, particularly on the heels of a break up?  Just before he flew me out to visit him, he suggested I come live with him in LA.  I didn't really consider it until he brought it up again after my return.  I had been ready to make a grand gesture of change for some time and this just seemed like the perfect thing.  I swallowed the fairy tale hook, line and sinker.

The first visit was great in a lot of ways, but he seemed a little foggy and distant.  When I asked him about it, he assured me that he was happy to have me out there and was just a little shy.  It's easy to be forward with technology, but in person, it takes a little longer to feel comfortable.  I bought it.  Once I returned to Atlanta, he brought up me moving there again and somehow we started talking seriously about it.  At that point, it seemed so certain that I told my landlord, my family and several of my friends.  He had even announced 'our little plan' to his parents and close friends as well and I was excited for a big change in scenery to help pull me out of the rut I've been in.

When the difficulty with logistics started to surface, things got hard and I got in a panic about how I was going to support myself in a place with an even higher cost of living than I'm used to.  I started to feel pressure to figure my life out before I could move, but felt I needed to move before I could figure out my life.  At that point, he pulled back like the genitals of a polar bear club member taking the plunge in January.  That's when all of my crazy got triggered.  I felt him pulling back but tried to hang on to the fragments of affection that he had displayed in the beginning.  I didn't want to believe what I instinctively knew to be true and that's what got me into trouble. 

What pisses me off about the whole thing is that I could tell and I just wanted him to be straightforward with me, but he kept making excuses and I accepted them.  I don't know what happened to the balls he had when he called to tell me about getting back with his ex, but apparently he decided he could just fade away and I wouldn't question it.  Now he 'wants to be friends' and I am struggling with whether I can do that or not.  I hate to delete him from my life, but I don't want it to keep me from being open to someone who is a better match for me.  It pains my ego to know that he can go on about his life without a second thought of me and here I am filled with thoughts of him, even in my dreams. 

This time I definitely feel like I got a rip off.  Part of me feels like I sabotaged it because I knew it was too good to be true.  Part of me thinks he found someone else to be excited about and I became beige slacks to her leopard print tights.  Part of me thinks he idealized me and once I became real, he lost interest.  Part of me thinks he felt too much pressure to be all of these things to me and shut down.  Part of me has no fucking clue what went wrong but still aches to know why so I can learn from it and not let it happen again.  Whether intentionally or not, he strung me along and I allowed myself to be.  This time, it has been a lot harder to get over.  Your guess is as good as mine at this point and with this post I intend to let it go. 

The truth is, I was okay with the possibility that I would move out to California and eventually the relationship might not have worked out.  I knew this was a catalyst for change and I was not banking on it lasting forever.  It's clear to me now though that I did think it would last at least a little while and develop into something more substantial.  All I got out of this was a short, extremely intense high and  the ensuing huge let down, but nothing nourishing inbetween.  I didn't get the intimacy that one usually gets in a relationship before having their heart and pride stomped on.  It seems like it would be easier to reconcile if there had been an actual relationship, but to be so hurt and disappointed by someone who never truly knew you sucks, plain and simple.  "I climbed so high the sky dropped down to teach me how to lay low and keep my ear to the ground."

* The name has been changed to protect the not so innocent and also for humor.

Tell me what to do, to take away the you.

Forgive me for leaving the detail from this post.  I feel like things are going to calm down since I've taken an important step in eliminating the source of the emotional chaos that has overwhelmed my life for the last few weeks.  But for now, my heart hurts.  I'm surprised at how emotionally invested I became in this person in such a short time and by how hurt I am that he can't reciprocate.  We made big plans too early and the fall from such high hopes is a painful one.

For now, I plan to keep myself as busy as possible to get my mind off of him and the situation in general, as it's actually pretty effective.  Running has also been a friend to me, but I can only run so far.  What worked for me in my 20's to numb the pain doesn't suit my tastes or lifestyle any longer.  The quickest way for me to get over someone was always to meet someone new.  That's not so easy anymore, and I could use some advice.  What do you do to mend a broken heart?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

If I knew heartbreak was coming, I would've set out running.

I'd like to start by expressing my absolute gratitude to those of you who reached out to me either through commenting on my last post; emailing, texting or calling me; asking friends about me and how I'm doing or sending positive thoughts or prayers my way.  I can't tell you how connected and cared for that made me feel.  I have spent the last few weeks in a pretty chaotic place in my head and I feel like I've finally found a small nugget of clarity and the peace that comes with it.

First: the job.  The unknown is always intimidating, but once I actually got in there, it wasn't so scary.  Not only is the environment extremely laid back and the staff friendly, but also, three days in I was approached about training for management shifts to fill in when the current managers are occupied with other events.  I came from a place where competence and integrity were frequently overlooked and undervalued, "promotion" to management was the first step out the door with the highest turnover rate than any other position.  I was pleasantly surprised when my experience, competence and integrity were so quickly recognized and it was the sign I needed in order to remember that sometimes opportunities pop up when and where you least expect them.  The fact that I have a sustainable income now has eased some of the pressure that I was feeling to figure everything out now and the opportunity to get some experience that looks good on paper makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward at the same time.

Second: soap.  I was sort of on hold with the heavy production of soap because I didn't feel focused.  In a recent huddle with my branding manager and all around Sudstress advocate Erin and my new, awesome, printing account manager Kim, I regained some focus and instead of trying to be everything to everyone, I've decided to narrow my focus to a few key aspects.  Wedding favors & gifts and Whole Foods (if they'll still have me).  I will not be participating in festivals in 2010 (except for a couple possibilities at the holiday season) and I will not be taking on new wholesale accounts this year, though I will maintain those which already exist.  I will also focus exclusively on soap rather than trying to expand my product line with items that do not excite me.

Third: home.  I have always had difficulty creating and maintaining organization, in the home, in my head, in my papers...  I have a lot of ideas and want to initiate several projects and have a tendency to get scattered both in my thoughts and in my home.  I haven't moved in 4 years and as I'm sure you know, things accumulate.  I have begun spring cleaning, but with a much more aggressive attitude about clearing out old items that no longer serve me. (thanks Hoarders)  I am doing this not only for the obvious benefit, but also for the practice; focusing on small goals and putting one foot in front of the other to create a new way of living for myself.  I was reminded recently by a friend that I explained riding up steep hills on my bike; I focus on the ground directly in front of me rather than looking to the top of the hill, otherwise I get overwhelmed and won't make it.  When I stay focused on what's directly in front of me, keeping in mind that things will get easier eventually allows me not only to make it to the top, but the process doesn't seem as long or difficult.  Applying this method to less tangible goals is where I could use the practice.

Fourth: issues of the heart. Part of where this hurricane of mental debris started was with a romantic interest.  Recently, someone with whom I'd begun to get to know and spend time with a few years ago reintroduced himself into my life out of the blue.  The twist is that last year he moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles, which makes it a challenge to get excited about.  Being that I just ended a long distance relationship, the thought of developing feelings for someone all the way across the country again would just seem like torture, but somehow I feel compelled to keep talking to him and accepting invitations to visit.  He excites me and that's difficult to ignore.  The experience so far has triggered some old emotional patterns that have been cluttering up my life and I feel this is an opportunity to rid myself of them. 

In an attempt at brevity, I'll say that in my formative years, there were several occasions in which I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me when I was being kind, open, trusting and genuine.  A few of these incidences were extremely devastating to me and somewhere along the line, I began to create and maintain a certain emotional distance from people.  After life taught me that things can and do fall apart at a moment's notice when you least expect it, often times I think and behave from the end, where things have already fallen apart.  Now that I'm an adult, I am taking responsibility for these feelings and am consciously working to change those patterns in an attempt to lead a more fulfilling life.  There is a big learning curve, however, and that's where things can get a little messy and embarrassing.

Recently, as I started to get a little invested in this guy, fear overwhelmed me and I ended up trying to control something that simply cannot be controlled.  I tried to regulate and seal everything into a neat little box in an effort to prevent any undesirables from seeping in.  Inevitably, this is destructive behavior and when it didn't work, my inclination was to move to the other side and shut off, which is unfortunately all too easy and familiar.  I know that this is not a fulfilling way to live, but the alternative is new and scary.  I fell down and all I can do at this point is get up, dust myself off and try again; maybe with him, maybe not.  I would like to strike a balance between allowing for the possibility of emotional intimacy without letting fear take over and going all Tommy Boy on his ass.

I got into trouble by focusing on the outcome rather than the process.  I felt so scared and out of control and that led to some embarrassing, cliched behavior.  I could see myself acting like a lunatic but was temporarily compelled by fear and I could not stop.  To my surprise and delight, he still calls me, for now.  While I would like for it to work out, I have to remember that I am a swell lady and I will be fine either way.  

Thanks Neko Case for my post title.

searching for inspiration in quotation

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
- Buddha

"If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting."
- Katherine Hepburn    

This is the third post I've begun in the last three weeks; I hope to actually publish this one.  I've been having difficulty quieting my mind of worry and stress over my future and thus haven't been able to organize my thoughts into a coherent piece of writing.  Typically, writing helps me find clarity, but I suppose I've felt a bit more lost that usual.  For the last nine months, I've been living off meager earnings supplemented by my savings account.  In that time I worked on growing Sudstress and sent out numerous resumes, however I don't look so great on paper and need I mention the current job market?  So far I have managed to exhaust half of what it took me ten years to save.

After recently having to get my clutch replaced; my brakes, rotors and wheel bearings fixed; running up a $1,700 bill for an MRI of my knee which was neither diagnosed nor treated, I finally decided it was time to stop hemorrhaging my savings and I get a restaurant job.  While I'm excited at the prospect of a disposable income, which will be disposed directly into my saving's account, it's a bit of a blow to the ego and I feel like I've failed.  This is not where I pictured myself at 33.  In fact, I never had any picture of myself at 33 and therein lies the problem.  I don't want to be 43 facing the same dilemma.  I am aware of how fleeting time is and I'm feeling pressure to figure it all out and to figure it out now.

"You've got to jump off cliffs, all the time, and build your wings on the way down.
- Ray Bradbury
 
The last decade of having to work sometimes until 5 a.m.; a smoky environment; constant sober interaction with drunk people... it was starting to suck the life out of me, so I quit with no backup plan.  I took the 'leap and the net will appear' approach, trusting that everything would work out as it should, opportunities would arise and I would make a successful escape from the bar business.  Though it may feel like a step back, I acknowledge that it's not and that things could be much worse.  I am thankful that at least I have the option of having gainful employment and that there are plenty of people who are out of work and struggling.  The bottom line is that I want to do something more, I just don't know what that is.

 The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.
- Arnold Toynbee
 
Soapmaking has been a great passion of mine for the last five+ years and I have put so much of myself into Sudstress that I am in no way ready to say goodbye to it in this process of moving forward.  While I've managed to double my sales from 2008 to 2009, I'm nowhere near the numbers that could sustain me financially and I have to formulate a more effective and immediate plan.  For now, I will focus more on cultivating the customized wedding projects and less so on wholesale, as the latter requires tremendous inventory, time, space and volume with a much lower profit margin.

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."
- Nietzsche
 
Since about the age of 25, I've spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how I could integrate earning a living with fulfilling work.  In the last year, I've really been digging deep trying to solve this puzzle to no avail.  Once I find a direction, I approximate at least three years before I'm able to enter into employment into whatever field after the necessary schooling or training.  I've waited this long, I feel like I could live with three years.  What causes me to lie awake at night is the fact that I've been at it for the last 8 years and feel no closer to figuring it out than I did when I began.  Sometimes it feels like I'm floundering with no end in sight.

"But" is a fence over which few leap.
- German proverb
 
Lately I've been contemplating going back to school for a Master's Degree in Psychology.  I remember when I was a kid expressing enthusiasm for the field and mentioned going to college for it when some irresponsible adult told me how cliche that was and how impossible it would be to find a job with a Bachelor's in Psychology.  For some reason, fear took hold and instead of the notion that with further education, a career in psychology was not only possible, but quite likely, and I gave up on the idea.  Ironically, I ended up with a B.A. in Film.


To play it safe is not to play.
- Robert Altman

I've realized lately that many of my choices have been made in the same manor.  Instead of moving toward something that could make me happy or satisfied or accomplished, I move away from that fear of possible failure.  That possibility lies everywhere and I have let that hold me back from creating the life I want.  That is how I believe I ended up in a place that honestly could be worse, but is ultimately not truly satisfying.  A few weeks ago, it was in this sort of vein that I made up my mind to move to California, get out of my rut and start myself on a new path ripe with hope and possibility.  The problem is, there are no quick fixes in this life and the necessity at the source of my confusion is the very thing that is holding me back: money.  So I feel that I'm back to square one in a town that while full of friends and familiarity, no longer suits me.  I want to leap but am bound by the very circumstance that I intend to change.

I am adopting the following phrase as my words to live by in hopes of affecting the decisions I make as ones that will move me towards happiness, fulfillment and some sense of peace.  I need big change and it is a challenge to find patience when it feels as though time is of the essence and my efforts have been thwarted by my own doing.  Perhaps I should move to Nepal and meditate indefinitely..

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Casteneda

freedom lies in courage, not anonymity

Hello lovely people who are kind enough to come by and read what it is that I have to write. I am truly amazed that in just over two years, my sudstress blog has received nearly 13,000 visits. Maybe the same 13 people have returned 1,000 times each, but no matter how the numbers are arranged, I am humbled and thankful for your interest. Without an audience, this would be just a journal. Don't get me wrong, I think journals are one of the best tools for expelling worries, for processing confusing feelings, for finding clarity; and are a creative outlet for one's thoughts and emotions. The problem is, without an audience, I would not keep coming back to write consistently, which I feel is key to continual insight.

No matter the subject, I'm often forthcoming in my writing, other times I hold back or consciously write from a positive perspective in an attempt to burst through the negative one I'm experiencing at the time. In any event, this public format has been a great tool for me to get thoughts and feelings out of my head in a creative fashion; to consciously create positive thought patterns; and to process and respond to my emotions rather than simply reacting (not that I haven't done that once or twice..).

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog anonymously because I feel like I would bare a bit more of my soul or reveal things I otherwise do not, for fear of appearing like some cliched, overemotional basket case. It's not that I have a lot to hide, in fact I think it's healthy to be selective about who you grant access to that sensitive information which can so easily be turned around and used as a weapon on the very underbelly from which it came. I feel that with anonymity would come a certain abandon, though I can't help but wonder whether I would still hold back, for fear of identification through recognizable details. The one thing about writing for an audience, anonymously or not, is that it gives me the desire to express myself more artfully and accurately than if I just sat down to journal.

What is all of this about? Well, I'd like to experiment with courage rather than anonymity. I'd like to take this opportunity to ask you, the people who inspire me to write to the better of my ability (to me, best implies no room for growth) for suggestions on what you'd like me to write about without holding back. Please note that anyone is free to comment on this blog. You don't have to have an account and although I appreciate knowing who the comments come from, you are free to comment anonymously. I understand the safety that lies therein. I hope to get a plethora of ideas and/or requests, but even if I get none, I will still choose a subject upon which to write bravely. It just might take me longer to come up with something. If I get several comments, I will choose at least one and give it a whirl.

Thank you for your interest and your help in my personal growth experiment.
:)

it's becoming a theme

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Last Friday night I fell into the first deep slumber that I've had in about a month, even if it was only for a few hours. That night I dreamed I was standing in a darkened room, observing an owl perched upon a window sill. I watched as it took flight across the room. As it took off, it separated into several smaller versions of itself and flew towards the open door. None of the small owls paid me any mind and I felt my presence was negligible. When I looked back to the window, there stood an eight inch tall owl staring back at me.

I hoped he'd notice me, I hoped he'd come to me. He lifted off only to immediately land on my left shoulder. I leaned my head to nuzzle his and he let me. I stood there with him on my shoulder, waiting for guidance, hesitant to move for fear that I might scare him away. I awoke while he was still on my shoulder and I trust that he's still there, imparting his insight, wisdom and virtue to me.

bringer of messages and portents of change

The most prevalent form of religious/spiritual practice in my household growing up was that of Native American people. My mom used to smudge me before school; she was named by an elder on the reservation where she spent much time learning while volunteering her time and efforts; whenever I took a rock or a flower from the ground, I was encouraged to leave an offering of thanks in the form of a strand of hair or sometimes tobacco for something more substantial. When I was 16, we took a road trip and visited the Medicine Wheel and Wounded Knee. Though I shrugged off many of the practices as an adolescent, though the underlying principles were instilled in me. As I get older, I begin to understand the significance and necessity of ritual.

Last Friday I was driving on The By Way and for the second time in a week, a red tailed hawk flew low over my car, showing me it's spotted underbelly. This time it was carrying half of a squirrel and actually landed on the ground. I pulled my car over to take a picture, as never in my life have I seen a hawk standing on the ground. It just stood there observing, unfazed by the cars driving by. I walked across the street taking pictures as I got closer. I stopped at about 6 feet from the revered bird for fear that he may think I was trying to steal his food and decide to claw my eyes out. I feel I could've gotten closer, as he was unwavering in my presence.

I stood there awestruck for about two full minutes waiting for him to get spooked and fly away. He did not. It was only after I went back across the street and got into my car that he flew up into a tree, leaving the partial squirrel on the ground. In the tradition of Native American medicine, I believe that when an animal presents itself to me, there is a message in that and it is up to me to pay attention to it. Of course the first place I turned was the internet to learn more about what the medicine of a red tailed hawk represents.* There was quite a bit that resonated with the direction and lessons that I am working on in life right now, but none summed it up better than this:

"Many of the messages Hawk may bring are about freeing yourself of thoughts and beliefs that are limiting your ability to soar above your life and gain a greater perspective. If one remains earthbound, then the possibilities of life are limited! It is this ability to soar high above to catch a glimpse of the bigger picture that is one of the aspects of Hawk medicine that makes it so valuable: If one is undergoing a difficult passage to know that just over the next hill is freedom and liberation if one keeps going can be a Godsend in supporting the person to keep moving forward! Likewise, if the path is not appropriate, Hawk Medicine can alert one to this and point out a far more favorable path." -found here


That night I asked for a dream and I received one. In this dream I was lifted up off the ground by a helicopter. I was not in the helicopter, but dangling from it by the firm grip of my legs and holding myself up with one arm while in my other was a fire extinguisher. As the 'copter lifted me up, I was not filled with fear, but rather with a joyful exhilaration. If there was any fear, it was similar to that anxious excitement before riding a roller coaster or (I imagine) skydiving. As I rose from the bleak, industrial surroundings, I saw the slate blue ocean brilliantly reflecting the bright sun. I was so close to it, but too far to see it from the ground.

As we flew towards the ocean, I was asked to put out these fires which arose from two smokestacks. I was working on it when they announced that we were going to have to get closer to the fires in order to put them out, to which I replied "okay, but just don't catch my hair on fire". I got about 90% of the fire put out before my fire extinguisher was empty. As we hovered, some blind presence handed me a pint of heavy cream (I know, it's a dream) which I poured on the smoking embers to completely extinguish the flames.

There are so many ways to analyze this that make sense to me, which is odd because usually my dream analysis is pretty straight forward when my subconscious wants to announce something. Perhaps something great is just beyond my field of vision. When I am 'on the ground' focused on leftover squirrel instead of up above seeking something more fulfilling, I can't see the big picture. If I can expand my view to see beyond my perceived limitations, I will find that something beautiful is 'just over the next hill' and completely within my reach if I can envision it and keep moving towards it. Maybe it's time to put out the fires and move on...



* interesting tidbit: their tail only turns that rusty red well into maturity as though the animal must earn those feathers.

VD - the good kind!

Ahh, Valentine's Day.. the day that suggests everyone be partnered; a day where all too high expectations are set and unfulfilled expectations occur if all is not just as imagined. Valentine's Day should be a day to be filled with love and laughter and appreciation for any and all loved ones, not just a romantic partner. I do love all those bitter themed parties and stinky garlic dinners prepared every February 14th, though.

Despite that awkward intro, the truth is, Valentine's Day is just like every other day in life. When approached without expectation, but rather with appreciation, it will always be wonderful regardless of your relationship status. Maybe I'm being idealistic, but the more days I put under my belt, the more I realize that life unfolds as it's meant to in its own time. The fewer expectations we have and the less attached we are to the outcome of our journey, the more fulfilling each day will be. Look around and appreciate the people who bring joy into your life. This is the perspective I am trying to adopt daily.

Even though I've been going through a really difficult and often scary transition in my work life, I am so lucky that I have family that supports my choices and will do anything in their power to help me. I love my friends, many of whom I don't have the chance to spend much time with as our lives have evolved and all but eliminated our proximity to each other. These are people I can call and talk as though no time has passed.

When fear and doubt creep in regarding all the unknowns in my life, I think of all the amazing opportunities, people and events that have been dropped into my lap at just the right time or as "dumb luck" after a lot of hard work. These are things we can not plan for or schedule, but must learn to surrender to the energy of the universe (God, Source, Creator... you get the idea) and trust that it will provide. The last several months have been a real test of faith for me and I suppose this post is my way of reaffirming my belief and trust. I've been pretty shaky lately.

So this post really evolved from where I thought I was going to where it went. My intention was to unveil a new item available for Valentine's Day, which will also be added to my wedding line. I went the traditional route with the couple's name. These hearts can be custom stamped with any short phrase you'd like. May I suggest the following?

Romantic interest:
I like you
I love you
Do Me
Take off your pants
I heart you
Let's do it
You complete me (if the recipient has a good sense of humor or likes campy movies)
any number of dirty phrases that might be in poor taste to post publicly

Friends & Relatives
Thank you
BFFs 4-ever (again, if the recipient has a good sense of humor or you are both 12 year old girls from 2005)
Best Friends
Mom
Mom & Dad (nice little anniversary gift too)

So they don't get the wrong idea
Friend Zone
Buddies
Love you like a brother
You remind me of my dad
You have a great personality
Hey Pal!
Let's watch the game
Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you

Okay, so I am kidding about some of those, but if they fit on the heart, I'm not gonna deny you...

Enough with the talk, more with the show:




Each custom stamped heart is in the Midnight Mint scent (kinda like sweet mint chocolate minus the chocolate), weighs approximately 3 ounces and comes nestled in recycled tissue in a lovely matching gift box seen above for $11.95 and you can click here to order.

I like turtles.

This video was sent to me by a friend and I've since become obsessed with it. First of all, I love Tool. I find their musicianship to be astounding, but more importantly, I just like the way it sounds. I get lost in it. I get halfway through an album like Lateralus or 10,000 Days and I don't know how I got there.* Second, this is an amazing arrangement. I love the koto.



I don't know why it caught me off guard that a number of people were surprised by my affinity for their music. I realized a long time ago that people are always taken aback when they start to get to know who I really am. In fact, many of my closest friends over the years didn't really like me upon first meeting.

For a long time I thought it was just the nature of the industry in which I worked, but really it's an overall theme in my life. I may be no more complex than any other person, but there is always so much going on under the surface that most people, I find, cannot really read me. Ironically, I am very open and forthcoming about all aspects of myself when I feel a connection with a person. My social personality, though, is just the tip of the iceberg.

That being said, I called off Peter's move to Atlanta. Not only that, but I called off the relationship. This took him by surprise, which of course took me by surprise. I'd been struggling with it back in August when we broke up the first time, but if neither party is adamant about it, what's there to really finalize it? The issues I struggled with back then just became much more clear to me in the face of his arrival and I was forced to reconcile myself to the truth in my heart.

My only regret is that it took me until the last minute to become conscious of it. Once I stopped fighting what I already knew deep down, I was relieved. I was relieved of the burden of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I like squares, I get along with squares, I enjoy time with squares; but ultimately, a square does not truly fit into a circle and no matter how one might try to trim off the corners, in the end, there is still a void in the connection. He deserves to be with someone who better appreciates who he is and I deserve to be with someone who truly gets me on a fundamental level. Anything less is a disservice to love.

The concept of still actually liking a person and seeing their value instead of needing to run the relationship into the ground before accepting that they are not the right match and subsequently ending the relationship is new to me. Peter is a great person, but ultimately not the right match.

I thought after breaking up that regret might start to seep in and I'd have to remind myself of why it's right that we're not together. There are definitely qualities about him that I will miss, but I do not regret my decision. I am completely at peace with it. I feel like my future is wide open and I have a strong urge for drastic change. Something big is in the air, I can feel it.


* don't fret, Aenima, Undertow and Opiate have had their fair share of play time, but I find these two albums to be particularly hypnotizing.