Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago. In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him. If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy. I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.
In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.
If I may make an analogy..
Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much. If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished. The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.
For a short time I was replete with infatuation. You've been there... food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person. When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working. When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous. I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became. That's what happened just now. I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either. I felt free. Then this email came through. It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit.. I'm the one who got hurt,) and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.
I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings. It's not even about him even if it feels like it is. I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on. I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him. Whatev... I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch! (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter. what? I didn't tell you about that? I will later, just remind me) Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened. I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time. I already feel better at the end of this post. Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived. I don't think I could live without it.