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Monday, May 31, 2010

somewhere.. anywhere is better than here.

Yesterday I was listening to This American Life, on the topic of road trips; in honor of that great American tradition for Memorial Day.  Ira Glass spoke of the cliche that we all buy into concerning the road trip, that it stands for hope.  The hope that stares back at us from the horizon, the hope that "somewhere, anywhere is better than here.  That somewhere on the road, I will turn into the person that I want to be I'll turn into the person that I believe I could be, that I am... with high hopes and no expectations for the future." 

The first story had to do with Pete the dishwasher, who I'd first heard of on NPR during one of my own road trips more than ten years ago.  Pete the dishwasher traveled from city to city, working as a dishwasher for a few weeks before moving on to his next destination.  There has been a part of me for some time now that has wanted to abandon everything and move on towards that hopeful horizon.  In a way, I feel that I'm already doing that with Integrative Nutrition, but it's not the immediate, drastic change I've been craving for many months.  Though I'm not married, nor do I have children, somehow life still seems to have gotten more complicated as I've gotten older. 

A few months ago, I headed into my third flare up of Graves Disease.  There have been a couple of days recently where I've had difficulty coping emotionally, which is also partly caused by the disease itself.  I have felt so powerless over my own body and mind.  It doesn't help that every moment of the day I'm reminded of my disease, whether it's a shaky hand pouring water, running out of breath during normal conversation, or feeling my heart pounding rapidly in my chest as I lay down to sleep.  I just want it to go away.  I believe that years of exposure to the ubiquitous endocrine disruptors has caused this, but I don't know how to solve it.  I wish I could just pick up and leave this all behind; travel back in time; move to France; win the lottery and pursue all the alternative healing I care to...  So far, I decided to just move to another state.  Unfortunately, until pre-existing condition laws change, it would be a hefty financial maneuver to move before 2014.

My first choice to implement change in my life is to move to another part of the country, however, that is no longer an option for me at the moment.  Now that I've recovered from the cancellation of my move to California, I've gone back to the drawing board.  I really loved California and feel the lure of the west coast.  On the other hand, my brother and sister-in-law live in Boulder and living there or in Denver would be a tremendous source of support.  I don't know that I could live with snow again, though.

Throughout history, people have survived undesirable circumstance through the freedom they find within themselves.  So what are some ways that I can feel free, like I'm moving on and moving forward without literally moving?  F**k if I know!    

...kidding.  I have a few ideas.
  • meditation - even if I get to quiet my mind for only ten minutes a day, let go of all those worries and responsibilities for just ten minutes, I believe I'll feel less burdened and I know it can't do anything but help as far as my Graves Disease goes.  Perhaps I'll realize how lucky I am that it's as mild and minimally symptomatic as it is compared to what it could be.
  • diet - I am not sure whether I've been trying to self-medicate or because my metabolism is out of whack right now, my appetite has been out of control.  Chemically, my body wants to hoard energy in the form of calories since it's running on high.  If I can be better prepared when I am all of the sudden ravenous just 3 or 4 hours after my last meal, then I can make better choices and keep my blood sugar and thus my mood more stable.
  • decoration - I need to pare down my belongings, get rid of old things, habits, thoughts, attachments that are weighing me down.  Simplifying my surroundings might help to simplify my life in preparation to move it elsewhere.  Also, perhaps it's time to redecorate.  I recently changed jobs and am having lemon troubles, again, but as soon as I'm in the black, I'm headed out for some NO-VOC paint.
I'll let you know how it works out.  In the meantime, what are some of the tools you use to feel free when you feel trapped in your own life?  Gratitude?  Prayer?  Surrender?  What are examples of ways you use them?  How do you find your way there?

Please know that anyone can comment on this blog and I invite you to participate to make this a dialogue.  I'm interested in others' experience and ideas.

This American Life episode:  Road Trip


keya horn said...

I do know that anywhere you go, there you are.
All of the things you mentioned are very valid and worthwhile. Meditation, changing decor, cleaning out, symbolic of preparing for the next step even if you aren't sure of it. Mercury goes direct in a week or so and so now is a good time to clean out in preparation.......

Kim said...

No solutions, but big hugs. Also, no-voc paint rocks. I did my whole house in no-voc; got it all at Ace. And you've seen the pics; you know how colorful my house is. :-)