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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I don't mind, I don't mind

Think for a moment about a time when something in your life ended and it was not your choice; be it a relationship, your twenties, or a job.  Your emotional reaction was probably anywhere from mild disappointment to complete devastation, possibly compounded by an unwillingness or inability to let go.  Think about how you felt months or even years later once you'd moved on.  Were you thankful that the door closed so that a new one, that would not have otherwise opened, could?  I had a moment while listening to this song recently.  I know it's cliche, but it's so true that nothing lasts forever; when one door closes, another one opens; there are no guarantees in life...  but in an instant, I got it.  I mean I really just got it, finally. 

You came to take us,
All things go, All things go

The last several weeks have been helpful in so far as "time heals all wounds".  More than that though,  I've been spending time with someone.  He has been a very positive and healing influence on me and he's someone who's seen real devastation and has made it to the other side of the mountain despite the dark valley from which he came.  He's someone I would not have been spending this kind of time with if I were still involved with my recent disappointment.  I'm enjoying every moment without thoughts of what will come of this.  I wish I could explain how different things are from how they were.  Sincere interaction and genuine connection are so nourishing, especially compared to the empty high I was on at the beginning of this year.

To recreate us,
All things grow, All things grow

When I'm really honest with myself, I admit that I knew that it wasn't right even though my ego reeeeeeally wanted it to be and took the lead.  The truth is, I never felt good enough around him.  I was constantly insecure physically, I had no career direction, and on top of everything, I'm pretty sure we wore the same shoe size.  So, when he was showering me with compliments and making suggestions about all the things we'd do and the future of our relationship, it was a big, sugary, dopamine-laden ego trip.  I didn't get my heart broken, I got my hopes and plans broken.  It was right that it didn't work out...  even if there is that little part of me that still wishes for a different story.

We had our mindset,
All things know, All things know

Now, since that moment, I often remember to enjoy it all.  I enjoy every moment of interaction with my new more than friend; every person that bumps into my cart at the farmer's market; the contrast of every cloud against a sky dark from an approaching storm; and as the anniversary of Neko's death is just two days away, every moment cuddling with his mom/purr-monster Lilly.

You had to find it,
All things go, All things go

This will not last forever either, but I will love each moment I have, as I have it.  I know that I must choose to let go emotionally when it is time because it is not up to me to hold onto anything or anyone whose time it is to go.  

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."  

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."
- quotes by Helen Keller


jimiyo said...

"spending time with someone"

Jesus? jk jk.


kat said...

Is that what the born-agains say? No, unless Jesus is from Ireland... ;)

steveschifini said...

A few points my dear.

1. I love that song

2. I appreciate your sentiment and I am happy for you. But in most cases, when windows close, the only one that opens is a shitty jagged broken glass one that will cut the shit out of you. People have to say things like "when God gives you lemons make lemmonade..." but that fucker has been shoving sour lemons in my open wounds for years now...I guess we have to say we have no regrets because we can't go back unless we had a flux capacitor. My life is adequate, but can't compare to my 20's. New girl is great so long as I don't make comparisons to my ex fiance (who broke up with me 5 years ago but I tell everyone 2 years cause it's too embarrassing that I can't quite move on- all the way anyway)

I am glad you are at the c'est le vie point....but I would be deluding myself if I said I am better off...I can't delude myself so I come across like a bitter old fuck who shits on yours and everyone's happiness....not the case

3. What the hell could you possibly be physically self-conscious about? As I recall, dozens of people would watch you pour drinks for hours heads bobbing back and forth like and audience at a tennis match...Yea that was a while ago, but you've hardly aged a day unless your are a photoshop whiz

4. Hellen Keller was an active Socialist who supported Eugene V. Debs four presidential campaigns. This has all been stricken from textbooks

kat said...

Wow Steve.

1. You have good taste in music.

2. I was not implying the lemon into lemonade mentality. When things happen that suck, but you have no control over the situation, the only thing you can control are your thoughts. Once I started to do that, I met someone who matches up with that perspective. If I remained feeling angry and victimized, I'd be in a much worse place. It really is a choice and I've chosen to be happy. Sometimes it takes longer to learn certain lessons, but it's difficult to compare an ex-fiance to a very short lived, if intense, affair.

3. I was always a tall girl and have a thing about being taller or bigger than a guy... makes me feel like a big oaf. I don't look 23 anymore because I'm 33, but in general, I believe I'm a looker ;)

4. You can't deny the beauty of her insight even if you don't agree with her politics. You can find beauty anywhere.

5. Don't forget that there is a naked picture of you with my autograph floating around this world somewhere...

steveschifini said...

Holy crap, I forgot all about that naked picture. Was this the one with the guitar or the one when I'm doing pullups at Neighbors? Yes, there is more than one naked picture of me from those days. Well don't post it on the net. No one will ever visit your blog if you do.

So, I think I am getting rid of new girl. Maybe that made me jaded when I wrote that yesterday. Basically, my comment adds up to just petty jealousy. I have a problem looking back in regret and you don't. I wanted my current situation (girl, job, apartment everything) to be better than it was when I was in Atlanta, but I know I was rationalizing.

I am glad this new friend of yours has applied the cooling ointment on your wounds. Of course you're the one administering the goo in the first place (I only have a finite supply of quality metaphors)Don't look back. It's east to say but I', not sure I can control my thoughts.

I never noticed that you were tall, This is likely because I am tall and I was sitting in a barstool most of the time. But given the vast amount of fanciful words I could burn through many a thesaurus before I would use "oaf" to describe you.

I made a playlist of all geographical songs when I drove from LA. "Viva Las Vegas," "Nebraska" Kind of corny but I was into it. Sufjan came in handy for Illinois and Michigan.

No I consider myself more a Socialist than Capitalist. I just find it strange that this has been buried.

Sorry for taking up all your space.

kat said...

You're hilarious, as usual. It's the pull-up one and sadly, I am not in possession of it, but it warms my belly to know it's out there somewhere.

Steve, I didn't say it's easy, I said I choose to do this only because I spent a solid month (or two) being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. It's very simple, just takes resolve and repetition.

I'm scared to death that as I become more invested in this person that he could change his mind at any moment and pull the rug out from under me. This risky business is new to me, but it's a nice change from the emotional distance I kept to avoid being hurt in the past.

Sometimes evolving hurts, but I believe it's worth it.

There is unlimited space on the internetz... take up all you want. You're worthy.