Think for a moment about a time when something in your life ended and it was not your choice; be it a relationship, your twenties, or a job. Your emotional reaction was probably anywhere from mild disappointment to complete devastation, possibly compounded by an unwillingness or inability to let go. Think about how you felt months or even years later once you'd moved on. Were you thankful that the door closed so that a new one, that would not have otherwise opened, could? I had a moment while listening to this song recently. I know it's cliche, but it's so true that nothing lasts forever; when one door closes, another one opens; there are no guarantees in life... but in an instant, I got it. I mean I really just got it, finally.
You came to take us,
All things go, All things go
The last several weeks have been helpful in so far as "time heals all wounds". More than that though, I've been spending time with someone. He has been a very positive and healing influence on me and he's someone who's seen real devastation and has made it to the other side of the mountain despite the dark valley from which he came. He's someone I would not have been spending this kind of time with if I were still involved with my recent disappointment. I'm enjoying every moment without thoughts of what will come of this. I wish I could explain how different things are from how they were. Sincere interaction and genuine connection are so nourishing, especially compared to the empty high I was on at the beginning of this year.
To recreate us,
All things grow, All things grow
When I'm really honest with myself, I admit that I knew that it wasn't right even though my ego reeeeeeally wanted it to be and took the lead. The truth is, I never felt good enough around him. I was constantly insecure physically, I had no career direction, and on top of everything, I'm pretty sure we wore the same shoe size. So, when he was showering me with compliments and making suggestions about all the things we'd do and the future of our relationship, it was a big, sugary, dopamine-laden ego trip. I didn't get my heart broken, I got my hopes and plans broken. It was right that it didn't work out... even if there is that little part of me that still wishes for a different story.
We had our mindset,
All things know, All things know
Now, since that moment, I often remember to enjoy it all. I enjoy every moment of interaction with my new more than friend; every person that bumps into my cart at the farmer's market; the contrast of every cloud against a sky dark from an approaching storm; and as the anniversary of Neko's death is just two days away, every moment cuddling with his mom/purr-monster Lilly.
You had to find it,
All things go, All things go
This will not last forever either, but I will love each moment I have, as I have it. I know that I must choose to let go emotionally when it is time because it is not up to me to hold onto anything or anyone whose time it is to go.
- "Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."
- "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
- "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
- "What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."
- - quotes by Helen Keller