buy sudstress

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I like turtles.

This video was sent to me by a friend and I've since become obsessed with it. First of all, I love Tool. I find their musicianship to be astounding, but more importantly, I just like the way it sounds. I get lost in it. I get halfway through an album like Lateralus or 10,000 Days and I don't know how I got there.* Second, this is an amazing arrangement. I love the koto.

I don't know why it caught me off guard that a number of people were surprised by my affinity for their music. I realized a long time ago that people are always taken aback when they start to get to know who I really am. In fact, many of my closest friends over the years didn't really like me upon first meeting.

For a long time I thought it was just the nature of the industry in which I worked, but really it's an overall theme in my life. I may be no more complex than any other person, but there is always so much going on under the surface that most people, I find, cannot really read me. Ironically, I am very open and forthcoming about all aspects of myself when I feel a connection with a person. My social personality, though, is just the tip of the iceberg.

That being said, I called off Peter's move to Atlanta. Not only that, but I called off the relationship. This took him by surprise, which of course took me by surprise. I'd been struggling with it back in August when we broke up the first time, but if neither party is adamant about it, what's there to really finalize it? The issues I struggled with back then just became much more clear to me in the face of his arrival and I was forced to reconcile myself to the truth in my heart.

My only regret is that it took me until the last minute to become conscious of it. Once I stopped fighting what I already knew deep down, I was relieved. I was relieved of the burden of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I like squares, I get along with squares, I enjoy time with squares; but ultimately, a square does not truly fit into a circle and no matter how one might try to trim off the corners, in the end, there is still a void in the connection. He deserves to be with someone who better appreciates who he is and I deserve to be with someone who truly gets me on a fundamental level. Anything less is a disservice to love.

The concept of still actually liking a person and seeing their value instead of needing to run the relationship into the ground before accepting that they are not the right match and subsequently ending the relationship is new to me. Peter is a great person, but ultimately not the right match.

I thought after breaking up that regret might start to seep in and I'd have to remind myself of why it's right that we're not together. There are definitely qualities about him that I will miss, but I do not regret my decision. I am completely at peace with it. I feel like my future is wide open and I have a strong urge for drastic change. Something big is in the air, I can feel it.

* don't fret, Aenima, Undertow and Opiate have had their fair share of play time, but I find these two albums to be particularly hypnotizing.


FuturePrimitive said...

well..that version is different! sometimes i take myself off in my car and drive over the cotswold hills listening to 10,000 days and i wonder how i drove and got to where i drove music is so totally haunting and dreamy and atmospheric. i absolutely love them...and am glad you do too.
i'm also very very happy that you have finally made the right decision and am excited for you and your life x

Godmachine said...

I are a friend!

jimiyo said...

i are a friend too! :D

FuturePrimitive said...

and i are a friend...and i like you!

kat said...

You guys are :D !!