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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Do you have the slightest idea (No, I don't)


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My boots are getting heavy. As the hour of Peter's arrival draws near, I find myself panicked and confused. For lack of a better expression, wtf? He is set to leave in six days on a cross-country adventure with a final destination of my apartment. I never understood why people made rash decisions in the 11th hour of major events. I do now. I'm scared and that doesn't aid in clear headed & clear hearted conclusions. I am human and I too suffer from the human dilemma in that I have paradoxical feelings about all major events and areas of my life, including this one.

Sometimes I wish I'd created this blog anonymously so that I could talk through my anxieties with brutal honesty with no worries of exposing the personal details of other people's lives in a public setting. As it stands now, I edit, omit and sometimes spin to see the positive in things even if only for presentation. That is not to say I am reticent or disingenuous in my writing, but it usually results in large gaps between posts.

I also have a monkey on my back tendency to get wrapped up in the big snowballs that are my possible futures, each built with the sharp rocks of what-ifs and packed hard for devastation upon impact. I know there is really no "right" or "wrong" choice, but I fear making the wrong one none the less. This is the source of much of my dilemma. I get wrapped up in the deadly snowball and I have to find a way to locate the snowflake that is knowing what is right for me. I plan to spend time in meditation for the next day or two and hope to find some clarity underneath the shadow of much mental chatter, fear and doubt.

2 comments:

holly wynne said...

I could not understand this better if I tried. But I don't have to. Try, that is. Because I understand it, and painfully so.

Yeah, I don't understand, either.

Blessings.

jimiyo said...

:D