In health-ifying my body with the thyroid blocking medication, I can feel a vast difference. Once the medication brought my levels down enough, I started to get some of my strength back at the gym, my hands stopped shaking, I'm not breathless all of the time, my resting heart rate went back down to normal (it was about 90!!! before going on medication), the loss of equilibrium/dizziness has subsided, the other day I was able to run for about 15 minutes without my heart exploding and of course, I've put the 8 pounds back on.
Here's my sick dilemma. When I was sick, I finally felt comfortable in my clothes, even though the weight I lost was muscle. Somehow, it took the edge off as I've always felt just a size too large my whole life. Once the medication started to work, I put those 8 pounds back on in a matter of about two weeks. I'm back to "normal" but the fact remains that gaining that much weight in such a short time - healthy weight or not - makes me feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I feel like I'm squishing out of all of my clothing just because I got used to it falling off of me. Granted I am tremendously stronger at the gym, where I can quantify my strength, I still feel like a tub-O-lard when I get dressed. It angers me that the only time I can think of recently where I felt okay about my body was when it was destroying itself, but my face looked like Skeletor. Is it possible to be a woman in this country and not have body image issues? I am trying to focus my energy on fighting insecurity rather than being at war with my body. I still have a long way to go.
With all of this in mind, last night I had a customer who has been in a few times recently and after he closed out, I found a note on the back of his credit card slip, on which he had tipped me $50. It said "you are astonishingly beautiful. I hope you have big dreams and if you do follow them." There was more, but this is the most relevant to my situation. I think he overheard me talking with one of my co-workers who judges women pretty harshly and I asked if I fell into a category he has that was unflattering. I was also talking about my soap and how I'm working to make a solid brand image and working to make it grow in relation to my desire to get out of the bar industry within the next couple of years, and my fears of not being able to do so. It's absolutely heartening when a complete stranger makes an effort to encourage you for no reason other than to encourage you. Thanks Steve.