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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Just when you think...

If you read my recent 'All Better... Almost' post in which I shared an unflattering to say the least sick picture of me and compared it with a healthier me, then you know that I have Graves Disease and it's been out of remission.  Well, it's time for my blood work to see how my levels have gone down and to adjust medication if need be..  only I can't find the paper work.  Last time this happened, I went waaaaaaaaaaaay too long before getting my blood work done and ended up medicating myself into hypothyroid, which is less dangerous for your body, but insanely damaging psychologically and emotionally.  I fell into a chemical depression that was previously unknown to me.  I never want to experience that again.  I had complete apathy about living.  Honestly, I didn't care.  I even thought it would be easier to just get hit by a bus or something; it was a very dangerous mental state in which to be.  You can rest assured that I am about to search my apartment high and low for that paperwork.  

In health-ifying my body with the thyroid blocking medication, I can feel a vast difference.  Once the medication brought my levels down enough, I started to get some of my strength back at the gym, my hands stopped shaking, I'm not breathless all of the time, my resting heart rate went back down to normal (it was about 90!!! before going on medication), the loss of equilibrium/dizziness has subsided, the other day I was able to run for about 15 minutes without my heart exploding and of course, I've put the 8 pounds back on.

Here's my sick dilemma.  When I was sick, I finally felt comfortable in my clothes, even though the weight I lost was muscle.  Somehow, it took the edge off as I've always felt just a size too large my whole life.  Once the medication started to work, I put those 8 pounds back on in a matter of about two weeks.  I'm back to "normal" but the fact remains that gaining that much weight in such a short time - healthy weight or not - makes me feel like I want to jump out of my skin.  I feel like I'm squishing out of all of my clothing just because I got used to it falling off of me.  Granted I am tremendously stronger at the gym, where I can quantify my strength, I still feel like a tub-O-lard when I get dressed.  It angers me that the only time I can think of recently where I felt okay about my body was when it was destroying itself, but my face looked like Skeletor.  Is it possible to be a woman in this country and not have body image issues?  I am trying to focus my energy on fighting insecurity rather than being at war with my body.  I still have a long way to go.

With all of this in mind, last night I had a customer who has been in a few times recently and after he closed out, I found a note on the back of his credit card slip, on which he had tipped me $50.  It said "you are astonishingly beautiful.  I hope you have big dreams and if you do follow them."  There was more, but this is the most relevant to my situation.  I think he overheard me talking with one of my co-workers who judges women pretty harshly and I asked if I fell into a category he has that was unflattering.  I was also talking about my soap and how I'm working to make a solid brand image and working to make it grow in relation to my desire to get out of the bar industry within the next couple of years, and my fears of not being able to do so.  It's absolutely heartening when a complete stranger makes an effort to encourage you for no reason other than to encourage you.  Thanks Steve.

1 comment:

Holly said...

Whoever that man is, I love him. That's wonderful.

I don't have any real words of wisdom here--if you've read my blog, you know I have my own body issues (that are kind of the opposite of yours)--but I agree with him: from what I've seen, you are absolutely gorgeous. And now, besides being gorgeous, you're on your way to better health. I hope you're able to eventually re-adjust your thinking to see the whole picture of your beauty.