..and smiles at the moon like he knows her

Regina Spektor has been likened to a Russian Tori Amos, I'm guessing because of her piano-based songwriting, her quirky vocal and lyrical stylings, and of course, they look a bit alike. I can see how people would make the comparison, but there are a couple of things that differentiate the two. First, Tori Amos is usually unintelligible and her lyrics are often difficult to interpret. I'm fairly sure Spektor's native language is Russian, but still she sings with far better enunciation enabling me to either relate to her lyrics or find myself engrossed in the stories they tell. Don't get me wrong, there was a year or two in college where Little Earthquakes was in heavy rotation and I was quite impressed upon seeing her live, even if I was somewhat fearful of her zealots fans.

I bought Begin To Hope a couple of years ago because I liked how strong Spektor's voice sounded during the bridge of Fidelity. I instantly liked a couple of the songs, but skipped most of the ones that were kind of weird and at first seemed auditorily invasive, if you will. As I grew bored with repeatedly listening to the same songs, I began to allow the album to play in its entirety and those peculiar songs grew on me.

I knew Spektor had a new album out, though I didn't put much effort into listening to it. Recently, on the longest flight ever, I decided to give Far a whirl all the way through, thanks to Delta's in flight, in headrest entertainment. Incidentally, I also enjoyed Noble Beast. I'm including eight songs of aural pleasure for you today, not all of which are on Far, nor are all written by Spektor, but all are beautifully performed. I have to respect the talent of someone who sounds as amazing live as she does recorded and produced. I included Laughing With twice because the lyrics put a lump in my throat, even when I'm not premenstrual. I had to go and ruin a beautiful thing with too much information, didn't I? ...but you read on anyway.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Laughing With (Far)
Blue Lips (Far)
Machine (Far)
Eet (Far)
Us (500 Days of Summer Soundtrack)
Hallelujah (covered again - Leonard Cohen, Jeff Buckley..)
Laughing With (again, Far)
Real Love (John Lennon cover)

it's becoming a theme

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Last Friday night I fell into the first deep slumber that I've had in about a month, even if it was only for a few hours. That night I dreamed I was standing in a darkened room, observing an owl perched upon a window sill. I watched as it took flight across the room. As it took off, it separated into several smaller versions of itself and flew towards the open door. None of the small owls paid me any mind and I felt my presence was negligible. When I looked back to the window, there stood an eight inch tall owl staring back at me.

I hoped he'd notice me, I hoped he'd come to me. He lifted off only to immediately land on my left shoulder. I leaned my head to nuzzle his and he let me. I stood there with him on my shoulder, waiting for guidance, hesitant to move for fear that I might scare him away. I awoke while he was still on my shoulder and I trust that he's still there, imparting his insight, wisdom and virtue to me.

bringer of messages and portents of change

The most prevalent form of religious/spiritual practice in my household growing up was that of Native American people. My mom used to smudge me before school; she was named by an elder on the reservation where she spent much time learning while volunteering her time and efforts; whenever I took a rock or a flower from the ground, I was encouraged to leave an offering of thanks in the form of a strand of hair or sometimes tobacco for something more substantial. When I was 16, we took a road trip and visited the Medicine Wheel and Wounded Knee. Though I shrugged off many of the practices as an adolescent, though the underlying principles were instilled in me. As I get older, I begin to understand the significance and necessity of ritual.

Last Friday I was driving on The By Way and for the second time in a week, a red tailed hawk flew low over my car, showing me it's spotted underbelly. This time it was carrying half of a squirrel and actually landed on the ground. I pulled my car over to take a picture, as never in my life have I seen a hawk standing on the ground. It just stood there observing, unfazed by the cars driving by. I walked across the street taking pictures as I got closer. I stopped at about 6 feet from the revered bird for fear that he may think I was trying to steal his food and decide to claw my eyes out. I feel I could've gotten closer, as he was unwavering in my presence.

I stood there awestruck for about two full minutes waiting for him to get spooked and fly away. He did not. It was only after I went back across the street and got into my car that he flew up into a tree, leaving the partial squirrel on the ground. In the tradition of Native American medicine, I believe that when an animal presents itself to me, there is a message in that and it is up to me to pay attention to it. Of course the first place I turned was the internet to learn more about what the medicine of a red tailed hawk represents.* There was quite a bit that resonated with the direction and lessons that I am working on in life right now, but none summed it up better than this:

"Many of the messages Hawk may bring are about freeing yourself of thoughts and beliefs that are limiting your ability to soar above your life and gain a greater perspective. If one remains earthbound, then the possibilities of life are limited! It is this ability to soar high above to catch a glimpse of the bigger picture that is one of the aspects of Hawk medicine that makes it so valuable: If one is undergoing a difficult passage to know that just over the next hill is freedom and liberation if one keeps going can be a Godsend in supporting the person to keep moving forward! Likewise, if the path is not appropriate, Hawk Medicine can alert one to this and point out a far more favorable path." -found here


That night I asked for a dream and I received one. In this dream I was lifted up off the ground by a helicopter. I was not in the helicopter, but dangling from it by the firm grip of my legs and holding myself up with one arm while in my other was a fire extinguisher. As the 'copter lifted me up, I was not filled with fear, but rather with a joyful exhilaration. If there was any fear, it was similar to that anxious excitement before riding a roller coaster or (I imagine) skydiving. As I rose from the bleak, industrial surroundings, I saw the slate blue ocean brilliantly reflecting the bright sun. I was so close to it, but too far to see it from the ground.

As we flew towards the ocean, I was asked to put out these fires which arose from two smokestacks. I was working on it when they announced that we were going to have to get closer to the fires in order to put them out, to which I replied "okay, but just don't catch my hair on fire". I got about 90% of the fire put out before my fire extinguisher was empty. As we hovered, some blind presence handed me a pint of heavy cream (I know, it's a dream) which I poured on the smoking embers to completely extinguish the flames.

There are so many ways to analyze this that make sense to me, which is odd because usually my dream analysis is pretty straight forward when my subconscious wants to announce something. Perhaps something great is just beyond my field of vision. When I am 'on the ground' focused on leftover squirrel instead of up above seeking something more fulfilling, I can't see the big picture. If I can expand my view to see beyond my perceived limitations, I will find that something beautiful is 'just over the next hill' and completely within my reach if I can envision it and keep moving towards it. Maybe it's time to put out the fires and move on...



* interesting tidbit: their tail only turns that rusty red well into maturity as though the animal must earn those feathers.

on with the awards and accolades!

sweet! Check it out :)


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you'll never look at a keytar the same way again

I've been listening to the "first" Mute Math album a lot lately. I say "first" because I'm fairly sure they released an EP before this that was out of print by the time this full length, self titled gem. I saw them two years ago on the eve of my 31st birthday. They were awesome. I was never too impressed with their follow up, but the first one always brings me to my happy place. The album is seamless from start to finish highlighted by Typical, Chaos, Stare at the Sun, Break the Same... You might want to click on the video and watch it on youtube so you can see the full screen. Remember animal?



Is it just me or does the singer look like an indie version of Nick Lachey?

VD - the good kind!

Ahh, Valentine's Day.. the day that suggests everyone be partnered; a day where all too high expectations are set and unfulfilled expectations occur if all is not just as imagined. Valentine's Day should be a day to be filled with love and laughter and appreciation for any and all loved ones, not just a romantic partner. I do love all those bitter themed parties and stinky garlic dinners prepared every February 14th, though.

Despite that awkward intro, the truth is, Valentine's Day is just like every other day in life. When approached without expectation, but rather with appreciation, it will always be wonderful regardless of your relationship status. Maybe I'm being idealistic, but the more days I put under my belt, the more I realize that life unfolds as it's meant to in its own time. The fewer expectations we have and the less attached we are to the outcome of our journey, the more fulfilling each day will be. Look around and appreciate the people who bring joy into your life. This is the perspective I am trying to adopt daily.

Even though I've been going through a really difficult and often scary transition in my work life, I am so lucky that I have family that supports my choices and will do anything in their power to help me. I love my friends, many of whom I don't have the chance to spend much time with as our lives have evolved and all but eliminated our proximity to each other. These are people I can call and talk as though no time has passed.

When fear and doubt creep in regarding all the unknowns in my life, I think of all the amazing opportunities, people and events that have been dropped into my lap at just the right time or as "dumb luck" after a lot of hard work. These are things we can not plan for or schedule, but must learn to surrender to the energy of the universe (God, Source, Creator... you get the idea) and trust that it will provide. The last several months have been a real test of faith for me and I suppose this post is my way of reaffirming my belief and trust. I've been pretty shaky lately.

So this post really evolved from where I thought I was going to where it went. My intention was to unveil a new item available for Valentine's Day, which will also be added to my wedding line. I went the traditional route with the couple's name. These hearts can be custom stamped with any short phrase you'd like. May I suggest the following?

Romantic interest:
I like you
I love you
Do Me
Take off your pants
I heart you
Let's do it
You complete me (if the recipient has a good sense of humor or likes campy movies)
any number of dirty phrases that might be in poor taste to post publicly

Friends & Relatives
Thank you
BFFs 4-ever (again, if the recipient has a good sense of humor or you are both 12 year old girls from 2005)
Best Friends
Mom
Mom & Dad (nice little anniversary gift too)

So they don't get the wrong idea
Friend Zone
Buddies
Love you like a brother
You remind me of my dad
You have a great personality
Hey Pal!
Let's watch the game
Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you

Okay, so I am kidding about some of those, but if they fit on the heart, I'm not gonna deny you...

Enough with the talk, more with the show:




Each custom stamped heart is in the Midnight Mint scent (kinda like sweet mint chocolate minus the chocolate), weighs approximately 3 ounces and comes nestled in recycled tissue in a lovely matching gift box seen above for $11.95 and you can click here to order.

I like turtles.

This video was sent to me by a friend and I've since become obsessed with it. First of all, I love Tool. I find their musicianship to be astounding, but more importantly, I just like the way it sounds. I get lost in it. I get halfway through an album like Lateralus or 10,000 Days and I don't know how I got there.* Second, this is an amazing arrangement. I love the koto.



I don't know why it caught me off guard that a number of people were surprised by my affinity for their music. I realized a long time ago that people are always taken aback when they start to get to know who I really am. In fact, many of my closest friends over the years didn't really like me upon first meeting.

For a long time I thought it was just the nature of the industry in which I worked, but really it's an overall theme in my life. I may be no more complex than any other person, but there is always so much going on under the surface that most people, I find, cannot really read me. Ironically, I am very open and forthcoming about all aspects of myself when I feel a connection with a person. My social personality, though, is just the tip of the iceberg.

That being said, I called off Peter's move to Atlanta. Not only that, but I called off the relationship. This took him by surprise, which of course took me by surprise. I'd been struggling with it back in August when we broke up the first time, but if neither party is adamant about it, what's there to really finalize it? The issues I struggled with back then just became much more clear to me in the face of his arrival and I was forced to reconcile myself to the truth in my heart.

My only regret is that it took me until the last minute to become conscious of it. Once I stopped fighting what I already knew deep down, I was relieved. I was relieved of the burden of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I like squares, I get along with squares, I enjoy time with squares; but ultimately, a square does not truly fit into a circle and no matter how one might try to trim off the corners, in the end, there is still a void in the connection. He deserves to be with someone who better appreciates who he is and I deserve to be with someone who truly gets me on a fundamental level. Anything less is a disservice to love.

The concept of still actually liking a person and seeing their value instead of needing to run the relationship into the ground before accepting that they are not the right match and subsequently ending the relationship is new to me. Peter is a great person, but ultimately not the right match.

I thought after breaking up that regret might start to seep in and I'd have to remind myself of why it's right that we're not together. There are definitely qualities about him that I will miss, but I do not regret my decision. I am completely at peace with it. I feel like my future is wide open and I have a strong urge for drastic change. Something big is in the air, I can feel it.


* don't fret, Aenima, Undertow and Opiate have had their fair share of play time, but I find these two albums to be particularly hypnotizing.