somewhere.. anywhere is better than here.

Yesterday I was listening to This American Life, on the topic of road trips; in honor of that great American tradition for Memorial Day.  Ira Glass spoke of the cliche that we all buy into concerning the road trip, that it stands for hope.  The hope that stares back at us from the horizon, the hope that "somewhere, anywhere is better than here.  That somewhere on the road, I will turn into the person that I want to be.  I'll turn into the person that I believe I could be, that I am... with high hopes and no expectations for the future." 

The first story had to do with Pete the dishwasher, who I'd first heard of on NPR during one of my own road trips more than ten years ago.  Pete the dishwasher traveled from city to city, working as a dishwasher for a few weeks before moving on to his next destination.  There has been a part of me for some time now that has wanted to abandon everything and move on towards that hopeful horizon.  In a way, I feel that I'm already doing that with Integrative Nutrition, but it's not the immediate, drastic change I've been craving for many months.  Though I'm not married, nor do I have children, somehow life still seems to have gotten more complicated as I've gotten older. 

A few months ago, I headed into my third flare up of Graves Disease.  There have been a couple of days recently where I've had difficulty coping emotionally, which is also partly caused by the disease itself.  I have felt so powerless over my own body and mind.  It doesn't help that every moment of the day I'm reminded of my disease, whether it's a shaky hand pouring water, running out of breath during normal conversation, or feeling my heart pounding rapidly in my chest as I lay down to sleep.  I just want it to go away.  I believe that years of exposure to the ubiquitous endocrine disruptors has caused this, but I don't know how to solve it.  I wish I could just pick up and leave this all behind; travel back in time; move to France; win the lottery and pursue all the alternative healing I care to...  So far, I decided to just move to another state.  Unfortunately, until pre-existing condition laws change, it would be a hefty financial maneuver to move before 2014.

My first choice to implement change in my life is to move to another part of the country, however, that is no longer an option for me at the moment.  Now that I've recovered from the cancellation of my move to California, I've gone back to the drawing board.  I really loved California and feel the lure of the west coast.  On the other hand, my brother and sister-in-law live in Boulder and living there or in Denver would be a tremendous source of support.  I don't know that I could live with snow again, though.

Throughout history, people have survived undesirable circumstance through the freedom they find within themselves.  So what are some ways that I can feel free, like I'm moving on and moving forward without literally moving?  F**k if I know!    

...kidding.  I have a few ideas.

• meditation - even if I get to quiet my mind for only ten minutes a day, let go of all those worries and responsibilities for just ten minutes, I believe I'll feel less burdened and I know it can't do anything but help as far as my Graves Disease goes.  Perhaps I'll realize how lucky I am that it's as mild and minimally symptomatic as it is compared to what it could be.
• diet - I am not sure whether I've been trying to self-medicate or because my metabolism is out of whack right now, my appetite has been out of control.  Chemically, my body wants to hoard energy in the form of calories since it's running on high.  If I can be better prepared when I am all of the sudden ravenous just 3 or 4 hours after my last meal, then I can make better choices and keep my blood sugar and thus my mood more stable.
• decoration - I need to pare down my belongings, get rid of old things, habits, thoughts, attachments that are weighing me down.  Simplifying my surroundings might help to simplify my life in preparation to move it elsewhere.  Also, perhaps it's time to redecorate.  I recently changed jobs and am having lemon troubles, again, but as soon as I'm in the black, I'm headed out for some NO-VOC paint.

I'll let you know how it works out.  In the meantime, what are some of the tools you use to feel free when you feel trapped in your own life?  Gratitude?  Prayer?  Surrender?  What are examples of ways you use them?  How do you find your way there?

Please know that anyone can comment on this blog and I invite you to participate to make this a dialogue.  I'm interested in others' experience and ideas.

This American Life episode:  Road Trip

love and loss

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." -Helen Keller


Today is the one year anniversary of Neko's death.  He was the happiest, most well adjusted furry creature I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.  He was my gentle giant.  I was there the moment he came into this world and the moment he left.  He remains in my heart forever, even as time slowly dulls the edges of my memory.

I don't mind, I don't mind

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Think for a moment about a time when something in your life ended and it was not your choice; be it a relationship, your twenties, or a job.  Your emotional reaction was probably anywhere from mild disappointment to complete devastation, possibly compounded by an unwillingness or inability to let go.  Think about how you felt months or even years later once you'd moved on.  Were you thankful that the door closed so that a new one, that would not have otherwise opened, could?  I had a moment while listening to this song recently.  I know it's cliche, but it's so true that nothing lasts forever; when one door closes, another one opens; there are no guarantees in life...  but in an instant, I got it.  I mean I really just got it, finally. 

You came to take us,

All things go, All things go

The last several weeks have been helpful in so far as "time heals all wounds".  More than that though,  I've been spending time with someone.  He has been a very positive and healing influence on me and he's someone who's seen real devastation and has made it to the other side of the mountain despite the dark valley from which he came.  He's someone I would not have been spending this kind of time with if I were still involved with my recent disappointment.  I'm enjoying every moment without thoughts of what will come of this.  I wish I could explain how different things are from how they were.  Sincere interaction and genuine connection are so nourishing, especially compared to the empty high I was on at the beginning of this year.

To recreate us,

All things grow, All things grow

When I'm really honest with myself, I admit that I knew that it wasn't right even though my ego reeeeeeally wanted it to be and took the lead.  The truth is, I never felt good enough around him.  I was constantly insecure physically, I had no career direction, and on top of everything, I'm pretty sure we wore the same shoe size.  So, when he was showering me with compliments and making suggestions about all the things we'd do and the future of our relationship, it was a big, sugary, dopamine-laden ego trip.  I didn't get my heart broken, I got my hopes and plans broken.  It was right that it didn't work out...  even if there is that little part of me that still wishes for a different story.

We had our mindset,

All things know, All things know

Now, since that moment, I often remember to enjoy it all.  I enjoy every moment of interaction with my new more than friend; every person that bumps into my cart at the farmer's market; the contrast of every cloud against a sky dark from an approaching storm; and as the anniversary of Neko's death is just two days away, every moment cuddling with his mom/purr-monster Lilly.

You had to find it,

All things go, All things go

This will not last forever either, but I will love each moment I have, as I have it.  I know that I must choose to let go emotionally when it is time because it is not up to me to hold onto anything or anyone whose time it is to go.  

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."  

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

 

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

 

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."

 

- quotes by Helen Keller

 

dirty baker's dozen

*sigh* Sometimes when we make progress, the standard is two steps forward, one step back. Well, the California government is about to take a giant leap back. They've just approved the use of methyl iodide in pesticides. This chemical is used to intentionally cause cancer in laboratory animals and is about to be exposed in large amounts to both workers in the field and those of us who eat food grown in California. Eighty percent of strawberries sold in the U.S. are grown in California and are a food that readily absorbs pesticides. If this gets approved, we can make the dirty dozen the dirty baker's dozen.

Please go to this site and sign the petition. This decision is open to public comment until June 14, so we still have a fighting chance. Please email the decision makers at mei_comments@cdpr.ca.gov and urge them not to let this chemical be added to the list of pesticides allowed to infest our food.  Feel free to use this text offered from the original site.


It's as easy as copy and paste:


I am writing to comment on the proposed approval of methyl iodide for use in pesticide products in the state of California. Methyl iodide is a dangerous, highly carcinogenic chemical that has no business being involved in our food supply. The fumes can cause lung, liver, kidney and central nervous system damage as well as nausea, dizziness, coughing and vomiting. It is dangerous to the environment, to the workers who will have to apply it in the field, and to consumers who will ingest traces of it.

I refuse to buy produce grown with this dangerous chemical and I strongly urge you to deny approval for methyl iodide.

Thank you.

take the red pill