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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Don't get me wrong dear. In general I think I'm doing quite fine.

I've always been a sucker for song lyrics.  I always think it's so corny when other people use them as their own personal statement, but I guess I do that too.  It's not so much for the feeling of shared sentiment, but that someone can put it into words what I'm feeling better than I am able to sometimes.  It's that feeling like when you can't remember the name of a movie and someone mentions it and that sense of satisfaction rushes over you.  I imagine that's what poetry does for some, but I always find myself frustrated trying to dissect the open ended verbiage that is somehow lost on me.  I may as well be trying to get emotional satisfaction in binary code.

In the days since Peter returned to his life, I've felt like something's missing.  My life has gone back to its regular pattern, but it feels somewhat hollow in certain ways.  There's been no definition to our relationship, only the mutual acknowledgment of an emotional connection and scattered thoughts of living in the same city as one another.  This is alright with me because I have great fear associated with finding someone real, feeling something real and taking the chance of ending up heartbroken.  Somehow the distance makes it seem safer.  I think that everyone fears heartbreak and that's why people - particularly women for some reason - feel pressure to label their relationships whether it's boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, or whatever other creative label one might come up with.  Perhaps they feel it's a safeguard against getting hurt, in defining the level of commitment.  The truth is, though, that sometimes people's feelings change.  Time, distance, circumstance, hormones, who knows what else can emotionally trump a promise.  So really, the only thing you can do as an emotionally vulnerable human being is to be open and honest with yourself and hopefully the person with whom you choose to share that open and honest self will treat it with care.  

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