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Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I changed my mind.

I have to say, I've been almost ashamed at my depressed state of mind, foolish actions and general negative view of myself and my life over the last year and a half.  Granted, certain events played their role in triggering these feelings, but ultimately, I am responsible for my own mind.  Part of the problem was that I was taking too much thyroid-blocking medication for nearly a year, which flipped me from hyper to hypothyroid and thus into a hormonal depression that REALLY affected me.  Like - wanted to get hit by a bus - affected me.  I could've prevented this if I'd visited the Endocrinologist when I was supposed to instead of letting a year go by, staying on the same dosage, which I eventually did.  Currently, my numbers are within normal limits and am considered in remission of Grave's Disease and am happily not on any thyroid medication. 
I am not one for making New Year's Resolutions, as I consider them the emotional equivalent of fad dieting.  For me, there must be some fundamental desire for real change and a breaking point that inspires it and I don't think January 1st necessarily qualifies as such.  One day in late December, I was on the phone with a friend and heard myself say "I'm sick of being miserable all of the time".  That was the simple, honest truth.  I was fed up with all my self-imposed reasons to be unhappy and the behavioral rut I had fallen into.  So, I changed my mind.  I've already had some stressful events that have inspired minor freak-outs, but the difference is, I can step back and come at the situation more rationally and positively.  Somewhere along the line, I got distracted and forgot that I have a strong mind and a strong will and have survived plenty of adverse situations in my life.  I ended up trying to find out what was wrong with me, when the plain fact is that life is difficult sometimes and the responsibility for creating a good quality of life rests upon the individual.  So, when I say '08 is great, I really believe it and it's a revelation, not a resolution.


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