Realignment

I realize I've completely abandoned posting about soap during the roller coaster that has been my personal life over the course of the past few months.  I originally started this blog as a way to integrate who I am with my soap and I'm sorry that my chaos has overrun the joint.  I am getting really sick of feeling down, but just can't seem to snap myself out of it lately.  As universal timing would have it, my mom sent me the Excuses Begone book & cd set from Dr. Wayne Dyer, which I started listening to yesterday.  Several months ago, I was introduced to the doc with The Power of Intention and found it quite enlightening.  I had taken to surrounding myself with reminders to think consciously, which somehow faded away and I fell back into old thinking patterns that landed me here.  So... I'm taking Bon Iver out of heavy rotation and putting Wayne in.  Who am I kidding, I'm listening to re:stacks right now... it's just so beautiful.

Even though I have been feeling sad and rejected as of late, I'm excited to have discovered something wonderful that I believe is my next step.  Over the last year, I've contemplated going back to school.  I mentioned that psychology has always interested me, but also, I considered becoming a registered dietitian, as nutrition as part of whole and preventative health is a big passion and fascination of mine.  During my research of the real world application of this type of education, I realized that I wasn't particularly thrilled with the idea of creating nursing home menus and checking meat temperatures with little or no freedom to help individuals feel their best through diet and individual care.  I am also interested in a progressive understanding of nutrition that advances with science and research.  Then, I discovered the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and it was like the heavens opened up and a light shone down.  This is exactly what I've been searching for.  The next distance learning program starts at the beginning of May, so it is my intention to enroll within the next two weeks.

I do not foresee closing up Sudstress shop, but I will have to slow down while I'm studying.  My love of soap remains, but it will have to be a part time love.  I will update you on where Sudstress is heading, but for now it's definitely staying in the wedding niche.  In fact, I need to go now so I can deliver 175 Sudstress favors for the BRIDES magazine event at the High Museum this Wednesday.  I love making cutie pies.

I didn't see it coming, but oh I'm watching it go

I'm climbing up the steep canyon road in Topanga to Dick's* house with a couple of friends when we look up and see a twister wavering atop the mountain, looking for a good place to land.  Not sure what to do or where to go on the open mountain side, we just observe in awe.  The tornado finally touches down right in the middle of the recreation center at the Top of Topanga community, which looks to me like a smaller version of the Getty Museum.  Once it tears through the building and into the mountain, we see the onslaught of rocks and debris flying through the sky directly toward us.  With no shelter to be had, we all duck and cover and let fate decide whether we live or die.  I peek a couple of times and see some large, jagged boulders flying through the air and brace myself for the crushing blow.  I get pelted a few times in the back by smaller rocks but not hard enough to break any bones.

Once the boulder shower stops, we all look around in amazement that none of us are seriously injured.  I take out my phone and call Dick*, who does not know that I am in Topanga, but who lives just a mile or two away from where I am standing.  When he answers the phone, he sounds seriously irritated and just starts talking before I can say a word.

"Listen, Kat, this is exasperating.  I said I was willing to be your friend, but you're wearing me out.  I can't have contact with you every day.  I've always been into you, I've been into you since I first met you, but now you've ruined it and I just can't..."

As he speaks, I feel the knife twisting.  I don't even hear the rest of what he is saying as reality sinks in.  I have just survived something incredible and now I feel like I'm dying.  Then I wake up.

In the past few posts, I've censored myself a bit for the sake of appearing more balanced than I was feeling and just out of a general feeling of confusion.  I won't do that now.  This dream is a culmination of my experiences for the last couple of months.  Something about my interaction with Dick* brought out some really dark parts of me that are of no use but for destruction. 

It happened about three years ago when I ran into Dick* at a summer festival in town.  We had been acquaintances and when we bumped into each other, he told me about his recent break up and that's about all I remember.  After that he started showing up in my life and somehow we just started hanging out.  I saw the red flags back then when all he did was talk about his ex and the breakup.  I was at his house several times watching movies, he came over to my place and sat all the way across the room, we watched the sunset and the fireworks from above at stone mountain and never once did he make a move on me, which I found frustrating, but understood. 

I was a good listener and maybe a little too nice and compassionate for my own good.  I liked being around him, so I ignored the red flags and began carrying a dim torch for him.  Then one day I got the phone call.  Dick* told me he was getting back together with his ex and that we couldn't spend time together anymore.  While I understood and appreciated his forthrightness, I was still let down and kinda pissed.  It was around that time that Easy Tiger had come out.  Ryan Adams always has lyrics relative to my experience; "..so if I'm being honest with you and you think that I'm being cruel, at least you didn't get a rip off..."  and that was true.  At least he was straightforward with me, which allowed me to get over it pretty quickly and easily.

Then several months ago I got a random facebook message from Dick* out of the blue, just saying hi and sort of apologizing for flaking on me way back when and asking to be friends again.  He had since moved to Los Angeles.  I had completely forgotten being upset over him in the first place and was happy to hear from him.  Then a couple of months ago, he happened to be visiting Atlanta and we spent a little time together that turned out to be quite intense.  There was a lot of "I wonder what could've been if I'd made a different choice" and even an "I would fall in love with you".  You tell me what girl doesn't want to hear someone say that?  Then he flew back to LA.

For a solid month, we skyped every night for hours, the days were filled with hundreds of texts, most of them telling me how lovely I am, how I have his favorite face, how he thinks I'm the prettiest girl ever, how that night was the night he knew he could fall in love with me..  Again, I ask you, what girl doesn't want to hear that, particularly on the heels of a break up?  Just before he flew me out to visit him, he suggested I come live with him in LA.  I didn't really consider it until he brought it up again after my return.  I had been ready to make a grand gesture of change for some time and this just seemed like the perfect thing.  I swallowed the fairy tale hook, line and sinker.

The first visit was great in a lot of ways, but he seemed a little foggy and distant.  When I asked him about it, he assured me that he was happy to have me out there and was just a little shy.  It's easy to be forward with technology, but in person, it takes a little longer to feel comfortable.  I bought it.  Once I returned to Atlanta, he brought up me moving there again and somehow we started talking seriously about it.  At that point, it seemed so certain that I told my landlord, my family and several of my friends.  He had even announced 'our little plan' to his parents and close friends as well and I was excited for a big change in scenery to help pull me out of the rut I've been in.

When the difficulty with logistics started to surface, things got hard and I got in a panic about how I was going to support myself in a place with an even higher cost of living than I'm used to.  I started to feel pressure to figure my life out before I could move, but felt I needed to move before I could figure out my life.  At that point, he pulled back like the genitals of a polar bear club member taking the plunge in January.  That's when all of my crazy got triggered.  I felt him pulling back but tried to hang on to the fragments of affection that he had displayed in the beginning.  I didn't want to believe what I instinctively knew to be true and that's what got me into trouble. 

What pisses me off about the whole thing is that I could tell and I just wanted him to be straightforward with me, but he kept making excuses and I accepted them.  I don't know what happened to the balls he had when he called to tell me about getting back with his ex, but apparently he decided he could just fade away and I wouldn't question it.  Now he 'wants to be friends' and I am struggling with whether I can do that or not.  I hate to delete him from my life, but I don't want it to keep me from being open to someone who is a better match for me.  It pains my ego to know that he can go on about his life without a second thought of me and here I am filled with thoughts of him, even in my dreams. 

This time I definitely feel like I got a rip off.  Part of me feels like I sabotaged it because I knew it was too good to be true.  Part of me thinks he found someone else to be excited about and I became beige slacks to her leopard print tights.  Part of me thinks he idealized me and once I became real, he lost interest.  Part of me thinks he felt too much pressure to be all of these things to me and shut down.  Part of me has no fucking clue what went wrong but still aches to know why so I can learn from it and not let it happen again.  Whether intentionally or not, he strung me along and I allowed myself to be.  This time, it has been a lot harder to get over.  Your guess is as good as mine at this point and with this post I intend to let it go. 

The truth is, I was okay with the possibility that I would move out to California and eventually the relationship might not have worked out.  I knew this was a catalyst for change and I was not banking on it lasting forever.  It's clear to me now though that I did think it would last at least a little while and develop into something more substantial.  All I got out of this was a short, extremely intense high and  the ensuing huge let down, but nothing nourishing inbetween.  I didn't get the intimacy that one usually gets in a relationship before having their heart and pride stomped on.  It seems like it would be easier to reconcile if there had been an actual relationship, but to be so hurt and disappointed by someone who never truly knew you sucks, plain and simple.  "I climbed so high the sky dropped down to teach me how to lay low and keep my ear to the ground."

* The name has been changed to protect the not so innocent and also for humor.

Tell me what to do, to take away the you.

Forgive me for leaving the detail from this post.  I feel like things are going to calm down since I've taken an important step in eliminating the source of the emotional chaos that has overwhelmed my life for the last few weeks.  But for now, my heart hurts.  I'm surprised at how emotionally invested I became in this person in such a short time and by how hurt I am that he can't reciprocate.  We made big plans too early and the fall from such high hopes is a painful one.

For now, I plan to keep myself as busy as possible to get my mind off of him and the situation in general, as it's actually pretty effective.  Running has also been a friend to me, but I can only run so far.  What worked for me in my 20's to numb the pain doesn't suit my tastes or lifestyle any longer.  The quickest way for me to get over someone was always to meet someone new.  That's not so easy anymore, and I could use some advice.  What do you do to mend a broken heart?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

You know I'm obsessed with your hair. Describe your regimen so I can copy it.

Wash and condition with bumble & bumble seaweed, comb, apply 'be curly', let air dry. What can I say, I'm low maintenance and I got lucky.. sorta.

Ask me anything

If I knew heartbreak was coming, I would've set out running.

I'd like to start by expressing my absolute gratitude to those of you who reached out to me either through commenting on my last post; emailing, texting or calling me; asking friends about me and how I'm doing or sending positive thoughts or prayers my way.  I can't tell you how connected and cared for that made me feel.  I have spent the last few weeks in a pretty chaotic place in my head and I feel like I've finally found a small nugget of clarity and the peace that comes with it.

First: the job.  The unknown is always intimidating, but once I actually got in there, it wasn't so scary.  Not only is the environment extremely laid back and the staff friendly, but also, three days in I was approached about training for management shifts to fill in when the current managers are occupied with other events.  I came from a place where competence and integrity were frequently overlooked and undervalued, "promotion" to management was the first step out the door with the highest turnover rate than any other position.  I was pleasantly surprised when my experience, competence and integrity were so quickly recognized and it was the sign I needed in order to remember that sometimes opportunities pop up when and where you least expect them.  The fact that I have a sustainable income now has eased some of the pressure that I was feeling to figure everything out now and the opportunity to get some experience that looks good on paper makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward at the same time.

Second: soap.  I was sort of on hold with the heavy production of soap because I didn't feel focused.  In a recent huddle with my branding manager and all around Sudstress advocate Erin and my new, awesome, printing account manager Kim, I regained some focus and instead of trying to be everything to everyone, I've decided to narrow my focus to a few key aspects.  Wedding favors & gifts and Whole Foods (if they'll still have me).  I will not be participating in festivals in 2010 (except for a couple possibilities at the holiday season) and I will not be taking on new wholesale accounts this year, though I will maintain those which already exist.  I will also focus exclusively on soap rather than trying to expand my product line with items that do not excite me.

Third: home.  I have always had difficulty creating and maintaining organization, in the home, in my head, in my papers...  I have a lot of ideas and want to initiate several projects and have a tendency to get scattered both in my thoughts and in my home.  I haven't moved in 4 years and as I'm sure you know, things accumulate.  I have begun spring cleaning, but with a much more aggressive attitude about clearing out old items that no longer serve me. (thanks Hoarders)  I am doing this not only for the obvious benefit, but also for the practice; focusing on small goals and putting one foot in front of the other to create a new way of living for myself.  I was reminded recently by a friend that I explained riding up steep hills on my bike; I focus on the ground directly in front of me rather than looking to the top of the hill, otherwise I get overwhelmed and won't make it.  When I stay focused on what's directly in front of me, keeping in mind that things will get easier eventually allows me not only to make it to the top, but the process doesn't seem as long or difficult.  Applying this method to less tangible goals is where I could use the practice.

Fourth: issues of the heart. Part of where this hurricane of mental debris started was with a romantic interest.  Recently, someone with whom I'd begun to get to know and spend time with a few years ago reintroduced himself into my life out of the blue.  The twist is that last year he moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles, which makes it a challenge to get excited about.  Being that I just ended a long distance relationship, the thought of developing feelings for someone all the way across the country again would just seem like torture, but somehow I feel compelled to keep talking to him and accepting invitations to visit.  He excites me and that's difficult to ignore.  The experience so far has triggered some old emotional patterns that have been cluttering up my life and I feel this is an opportunity to rid myself of them. 

In an attempt at brevity, I'll say that in my formative years, there were several occasions in which I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me when I was being kind, open, trusting and genuine.  A few of these incidences were extremely devastating to me and somewhere along the line, I began to create and maintain a certain emotional distance from people.  After life taught me that things can and do fall apart at a moment's notice when you least expect it, often times I think and behave from the end, where things have already fallen apart.  Now that I'm an adult, I am taking responsibility for these feelings and am consciously working to change those patterns in an attempt to lead a more fulfilling life.  There is a big learning curve, however, and that's where things can get a little messy and embarrassing.

Recently, as I started to get a little invested in this guy, fear overwhelmed me and I ended up trying to control something that simply cannot be controlled.  I tried to regulate and seal everything into a neat little box in an effort to prevent any undesirables from seeping in.  Inevitably, this is destructive behavior and when it didn't work, my inclination was to move to the other side and shut off, which is unfortunately all too easy and familiar.  I know that this is not a fulfilling way to live, but the alternative is new and scary.  I fell down and all I can do at this point is get up, dust myself off and try again; maybe with him, maybe not.  I would like to strike a balance between allowing for the possibility of emotional intimacy without letting fear take over and going all Tommy Boy on his ass.

I got into trouble by focusing on the outcome rather than the process.  I felt so scared and out of control and that led to some embarrassing, cliched behavior.  I could see myself acting like a lunatic but was temporarily compelled by fear and I could not stop.  To my surprise and delight, he still calls me, for now.  While I would like for it to work out, I have to remember that I am a swell lady and I will be fine either way.  

Thanks Neko Case for my post title.