searching for inspiration in quotation

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
- Buddha

"If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting."
- Katherine Hepburn    

This is the third post I've begun in the last three weeks; I hope to actually publish this one.  I've been having difficulty quieting my mind of worry and stress over my future and thus haven't been able to organize my thoughts into a coherent piece of writing.  Typically, writing helps me find clarity, but I suppose I've felt a bit more lost that usual.  For the last nine months, I've been living off meager earnings supplemented by my savings account.  In that time I worked on growing Sudstress and sent out numerous resumes, however I don't look so great on paper and need I mention the current job market?  So far I have managed to exhaust half of what it took me ten years to save.

After recently having to get my clutch replaced; my brakes, rotors and wheel bearings fixed; running up a $1,700 bill for an MRI of my knee which was neither diagnosed nor treated, I finally decided it was time to stop hemorrhaging my savings and I get a restaurant job.  While I'm excited at the prospect of a disposable income, which will be disposed directly into my saving's account, it's a bit of a blow to the ego and I feel like I've failed.  This is not where I pictured myself at 33.  In fact, I never had any picture of myself at 33 and therein lies the problem.  I don't want to be 43 facing the same dilemma.  I am aware of how fleeting time is and I'm feeling pressure to figure it all out and to figure it out now.

"You've got to jump off cliffs, all the time, and build your wings on the way down.
- Ray Bradbury
 
The last decade of having to work sometimes until 5 a.m.; a smoky environment; constant sober interaction with drunk people... it was starting to suck the life out of me, so I quit with no backup plan.  I took the 'leap and the net will appear' approach, trusting that everything would work out as it should, opportunities would arise and I would make a successful escape from the bar business.  Though it may feel like a step back, I acknowledge that it's not and that things could be much worse.  I am thankful that at least I have the option of having gainful employment and that there are plenty of people who are out of work and struggling.  The bottom line is that I want to do something more, I just don't know what that is.

 The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.
- Arnold Toynbee
 
Soapmaking has been a great passion of mine for the last five+ years and I have put so much of myself into Sudstress that I am in no way ready to say goodbye to it in this process of moving forward.  While I've managed to double my sales from 2008 to 2009, I'm nowhere near the numbers that could sustain me financially and I have to formulate a more effective and immediate plan.  For now, I will focus more on cultivating the customized wedding projects and less so on wholesale, as the latter requires tremendous inventory, time, space and volume with a much lower profit margin.

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."
- Nietzsche
 
Since about the age of 25, I've spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how I could integrate earning a living with fulfilling work.  In the last year, I've really been digging deep trying to solve this puzzle to no avail.  Once I find a direction, I approximate at least three years before I'm able to enter into employment into whatever field after the necessary schooling or training.  I've waited this long, I feel like I could live with three years.  What causes me to lie awake at night is the fact that I've been at it for the last 8 years and feel no closer to figuring it out than I did when I began.  Sometimes it feels like I'm floundering with no end in sight.

"But" is a fence over which few leap.
- German proverb
 
Lately I've been contemplating going back to school for a Master's Degree in Psychology.  I remember when I was a kid expressing enthusiasm for the field and mentioned going to college for it when some irresponsible adult told me how cliche that was and how impossible it would be to find a job with a Bachelor's in Psychology.  For some reason, fear took hold and instead of the notion that with further education, a career in psychology was not only possible, but quite likely, and I gave up on the idea.  Ironically, I ended up with a B.A. in Film.


To play it safe is not to play.
- Robert Altman

I've realized lately that many of my choices have been made in the same manor.  Instead of moving toward something that could make me happy or satisfied or accomplished, I move away from that fear of possible failure.  That possibility lies everywhere and I have let that hold me back from creating the life I want.  That is how I believe I ended up in a place that honestly could be worse, but is ultimately not truly satisfying.  A few weeks ago, it was in this sort of vein that I made up my mind to move to California, get out of my rut and start myself on a new path ripe with hope and possibility.  The problem is, there are no quick fixes in this life and the necessity at the source of my confusion is the very thing that is holding me back: money.  So I feel that I'm back to square one in a town that while full of friends and familiarity, no longer suits me.  I want to leap but am bound by the very circumstance that I intend to change.

I am adopting the following phrase as my words to live by in hopes of affecting the decisions I make as ones that will move me towards happiness, fulfillment and some sense of peace.  I need big change and it is a challenge to find patience when it feels as though time is of the essence and my efforts have been thwarted by my own doing.  Perhaps I should move to Nepal and meditate indefinitely..

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Casteneda

freedom lies in courage, not anonymity

Hello lovely people who are kind enough to come by and read what it is that I have to write. I am truly amazed that in just over two years, my sudstress blog has received nearly 13,000 visits. Maybe the same 13 people have returned 1,000 times each, but no matter how the numbers are arranged, I am humbled and thankful for your interest. Without an audience, this would be just a journal. Don't get me wrong, I think journals are one of the best tools for expelling worries, for processing confusing feelings, for finding clarity; and are a creative outlet for one's thoughts and emotions. The problem is, without an audience, I would not keep coming back to write consistently, which I feel is key to continual insight.

No matter the subject, I'm often forthcoming in my writing, other times I hold back or consciously write from a positive perspective in an attempt to burst through the negative one I'm experiencing at the time. In any event, this public format has been a great tool for me to get thoughts and feelings out of my head in a creative fashion; to consciously create positive thought patterns; and to process and respond to my emotions rather than simply reacting (not that I haven't done that once or twice..).

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog anonymously because I feel like I would bare a bit more of my soul or reveal things I otherwise do not, for fear of appearing like some cliched, overemotional basket case. It's not that I have a lot to hide, in fact I think it's healthy to be selective about who you grant access to that sensitive information which can so easily be turned around and used as a weapon on the very underbelly from which it came. I feel that with anonymity would come a certain abandon, though I can't help but wonder whether I would still hold back, for fear of identification through recognizable details. The one thing about writing for an audience, anonymously or not, is that it gives me the desire to express myself more artfully and accurately than if I just sat down to journal.

What is all of this about? Well, I'd like to experiment with courage rather than anonymity. I'd like to take this opportunity to ask you, the people who inspire me to write to the better of my ability (to me, best implies no room for growth) for suggestions on what you'd like me to write about without holding back. Please note that anyone is free to comment on this blog. You don't have to have an account and although I appreciate knowing who the comments come from, you are free to comment anonymously. I understand the safety that lies therein. I hope to get a plethora of ideas and/or requests, but even if I get none, I will still choose a subject upon which to write bravely. It just might take me longer to come up with something. If I get several comments, I will choose at least one and give it a whirl.

Thank you for your interest and your help in my personal growth experiment.
:)