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Saturday, May 30, 2009


I have been spending a lot of time with Lilly since Neko is no longer here to harass her.  She will not enter my bedroom, which is a new thing.  She slept next to me the night Neko died, but since then, will not stay on the bed when I bring her in there each night.  She used to spend a fair amount of time in there, but perhaps now the room is filled with his spirit, still spending each night with me.  I have not slept well since his death.  I get to the point where I can't keep my eyes open on the couch, but once my head hits the pillow on my bed, I am wide awake, reliving the day of his death.  I hope time will eventually allow me to fall asleep with a sense of peace first rather than loss.  

Lilly is not as sleek as Neko was, but rather a raggedy, easily matted fluffball no matter how much I brush her.  Her shape is also a bit mushroom-like when she sits, and so I nicknamed her "ragamushroom" (ragamuffin +mushroom) but is also known as Lilly, Lillygirl, my little muffin top, mushroom, ragamuffin, ragamushroom, etc.  She, like Neko, shows her belly often, but will attack if said belly is rubbed.  Neko didn't mind so much.


Kim said...

What a precious fluffball. Alex does the same thing. "Here is my belleh! DO NOT TOUCH!" So sometimes I'll scruff the rotten monster and pet the fluffy, fluffy belly to my heart's content. He hates that.

holly wynne said...

This would sound weird to most people, but as I've been in almost this exact situation, I think you will understand, at least someday maybe.

Dorian had a brother named Sasha. I got them both when they were a month old and had been abandoned. They were my little baby boys, and I loved them equally. Dorian's a silly little booger, but Sasha was my not-of-this-earth, ethereal, slinky black ninja kitty. I decided early on that if he were a singer, he'd be Morrissey. Everything about him was shiny and dark.

He died suddenly when he was two and a half. I was sick and cried for days. I had never felt anything like that before. It felt so wrong to have this one cat that was supposed to be part of a pair.

To this day, two and a half years later, sometimes at night I think of him and tears spring up just as freshly as they did the day I lost him. I think of his stunning eyes and the little white spot on his chest and how absurdly soft he was.

Now for my actual point. You know my fierce attachment to my little Dor. He's my baby. He's my familiar. While I'd still infinitely rather have my Sasha back, time has given me the gift of developing a different kind of relationship with ONE kitty. I don't know that I'd have ever appreciated Dorian--or received his grooming and cuddling in such a tender way--if I still had two.

I will never not hurt over losing Sashadoodle. But Dorian became a comfort I never imagined he could be. I hope you find the same with Lilly.

kat said...

oh, thank you Holly. Your experience is so similar to mine and it pains me to think that I'm going to be sad for a long time over this. There is no way to change things. All I can do is extend the love to Lilly that I was less able to while Neko was stealing the show, as Lilly is shy and would make herself scarce. I do wish she'd let me pet her belly like Neko did, though.

My heart remains heavy.