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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Hold On, Hold On.

Growing up in Rochester, NY ~ winters were loooooooooong.  I've been in Atlanta for just over ten years now, and winters are loooooooooooong.  I love autumn, I love the cozy feeling of December, but once January 1 comes around, I want out.  All I want to do is hibernate, I'm less productive, I'm cold.  By February, it's all I can do to hang on until the spring.  Honestly, I think I get a little depressed with all the lifeless tree branches and the numbness in my toes.  I've been thinking a lot about where I'll move next when my time in Atlanta is up.  One of the things that will carry much weight in this decision is how the external influences will either support or hinder the lifestyle that I want to lead; i.e. weather, transportation, etc.  I realized that this is so important to me because my mood & attitude are too easily swayed by outside influences.  This is also something I consider an important thing to change.

Lately I've noticed that the people I consider good friends, those I let past the wall that holds most people at bay, the people I truly admire and respect all believe in me whole heartedly.  They have no doubts about my talent or ability to make something happen for myself.  There is just one person who really matters that I have tried my hardest to convince.  One person that I constantly confront and question, who will not put their faith in me.  This person knows me well and sees the laziness, sees the imperfections, insecurities, doubt and desperation and can use my very humanity to break my spirit, kick me when I'm down and beat me into my own personal misery of convention.  It's me.  

I don't know how to consistently believe in myself.  It's easy to feel positive when I've just made a sale on etsy, but what about when I'm putting my shoes on to go to work to support myself in an industry that holds no future for me?  How do I believe that I'll work my way out doing something I love instead of just exchanging one exhausting, passionless job for another?  If I don't believe that I can, how can I?  The possibilities already seem small, but without the "I think I can, I think I can", I dare not measure just how small they are.

This is not to say that I'm giving up.  Somehow I continually forge ahead even with my head swimming in sludge.  To me, there is no alternative.  The strong suggestion was made to me that I look into putting a portfolio together as a product photographer.  This resonated with me and I think it's worth investing some time and energy to learn and improve.  There is that part of me who feels exasperated, like I'm constantly going back to the ol' drawing board.  I'm starting to feel too old to be looking for Plan B.  Eh...  at least I have tickets to Neko Case in April when the weather will make me happy again.


Anonymous said...

A. I think you should make some soap that reminds you of Alaska!
B. Bartending is not for the creative folk such as yourself, although a great way to meet people & have fun. It typically won't put you into the network of people who you're looking for to make it with your product. Maybe you should check out the product photography idea, and let that be your back up job instead of bartending. It might improve your networking ring, as well as introduce you to the person who will add your soap to their inventory line! Don't look at it as Plan B or back to the ol' drawing board---it's another talent that someone sees in you. You're good at photography. Look at it as a way to & your soap business.

holly wynne said...

1. Neko Case reference FTW.

2. I started to copy one sentence that I could quote here and say "amen" to, but as I continued to re-read, I realized I'd have to re-post the entire entry. I think you and I have some psychic connection--I'm doubting a jillion things and exploring a jillion options and wondering what is next and just hoping that whatever it is, I will truly believe in it and embrace it. I hope the same for you.

Kim said...

We believe in you, baby!
Also, I'm the same way as you with winter. Christmas over? Why is it still cold? Time for spring!

Mountain Mama Chic said...

You gotta follow your heart chick-a-dee. Sometimes it's a long and winding road.....but you'll get there.

kat said...

*sheepishly* what does FTW mean?

Also, thank you all for your supportive words. I truly appreciate them. Some days I believe in myself more than others, but I want those days to become every day. I know I've made a lot of progress in a short time since committing to making it work. There are times, though, that I look around and feel like I'm at a standstill and goin' nowhere.

I believe in myself as a good, creative, smart person in general ~ just need to translate that.