Hold On, Hold On.

Growing up in Rochester, NY ~ winters were loooooooooong.  I've been in Atlanta for just over ten years now, and winters are loooooooooooong.  I love autumn, I love the cozy feeling of December, but once January 1 comes around, I want out.  All I want to do is hibernate, I'm less productive, I'm cold.  By February, it's all I can do to hang on until the spring.  Honestly, I think I get a little depressed with all the lifeless tree branches and the numbness in my toes.  I've been thinking a lot about where I'll move next when my time in Atlanta is up.  One of the things that will carry much weight in this decision is how the external influences will either support or hinder the lifestyle that I want to lead; i.e. weather, transportation, etc.  I realized that this is so important to me because my mood & attitude are too easily swayed by outside influences.  This is also something I consider an important thing to change.

Lately I've noticed that the people I consider good friends, those I let past the wall that holds most people at bay, the people I truly admire and respect all believe in me whole heartedly.  They have no doubts about my talent or ability to make something happen for myself.  There is just one person who really matters that I have tried my hardest to convince.  One person that I constantly confront and question, who will not put their faith in me.  This person knows me well and sees the laziness, sees the imperfections, insecurities, doubt and desperation and can use my very humanity to break my spirit, kick me when I'm down and beat me into my own personal misery of convention.  It's me.  

I don't know how to consistently believe in myself.  It's easy to feel positive when I've just made a sale on etsy, but what about when I'm putting my shoes on to go to work to support myself in an industry that holds no future for me?  How do I believe that I'll work my way out doing something I love instead of just exchanging one exhausting, passionless job for another?  If I don't believe that I can, how can I?  The possibilities already seem small, but without the "I think I can, I think I can", I dare not measure just how small they are.

This is not to say that I'm giving up.  Somehow I continually forge ahead even with my head swimming in sludge.  To me, there is no alternative.  The strong suggestion was made to me that I look into putting a portfolio together as a product photographer.  This resonated with me and I think it's worth investing some time and energy to learn and improve.  There is that part of me who feels exasperated, like I'm constantly going back to the ol' drawing board.  I'm starting to feel too old to be looking for Plan B.  Eh...  at least I have tickets to Neko Case in April when the weather will make me happy again.

I Dig This Jam

Found myself listening to this song over and over this week, though I first heard it a while back.  Been down with Kristen Hersh since my freshman year of college, even.

A Moment of Sappiness.

 

Got a two part Valentine mix from Peter filled with love songs.  This one really struck me and like to think he could've come up with just these words for me since we spend so much time apart.  He's in Alaska driving the dog truck to checkpoints and handling for Dave Dalton ~ a musher in the Yukon Quest.  This picture is from our 3 weeks in Alaska for the race last year.  You can see more here.

Valentine's Day Sale... wOOt!

Saturday and Sunday, February 14 ~ 15 everything in my Etsy shop is on sale.  All you have to do to get 20% off of your entire order is Favorite my shop, then type "favorite" in the notes to seller during checkout.  The 20% discount will show up as a refund on PayPal.  Shipping for up to 8 soaps is also less than $5.00.  

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade Sudstress.etsy.com

New Logo!

I think it's awesome.  Still working out new packaging, but I think that's going to take a while.  Sadly, the pink doesn't come through very well when it' so small on the packaging...   workin' it out, workin' it out.  I really want to have everything tight before going balls out.  

Too Sad To Wax Poetic.

Well, I just took Peter to the airport after his two week visit with me.  He flies to Fairbanks, AK tomorrow for the Yukon Quest, where we spent three amazing weeks together last year.  It's almost becoming old hat now, the pattern of emotion in this long distance relationship.  And much like the June trip, we ended up with but one cell phone picture of our entire visit.  

Once the plane tickets are bought, I relax.  A week before he gets here the countdown starts and I start getting really excited.  While he's here, I pretty much disappear.  A day or two before he leaves I start getting that anxious feeling in my stomach like late on a Sunday evening in high school and you still have homework to do.  As we drive to the airport, it seems like we're just driving somewhere like any other day except that I can't believe how quickly our time together has passed.  When it's time for him to go through security I have to hold back the tears and then quickly bolt out of the airport as soon as he gets in line at the risk of embarrassing myself.  I get home and for a few days everything is very quiet and a little sad before I get back into the swing of things.  Right now it's very quiet and I'm a little sad, so I'll save the rest for next time.